not up to par

just for the record, i hate golf.  it's not a real sport to me.  my apologies to any golf lovers out there.

and yes, i know this blog is already public.  my comments in the previous posts should have been more clear by saying i haven't 'advertised' this blog.  for those of you who have been sneaking and reading, you can stop already. ;)  just leave a comment. :)

today was a rough day... physically, mentally, spiritually...

the past few days i haven't been physically feeling well.  i think my blood pressure is up.  the dr thinks i'm nuts because you aren't supposed to be able to tell when your bp is up, but i can.  and i'm always right.  i've been a bit stressed this past week, and then because of the 'mental' roughness, i haven't been handling my children very well.  my hubby worked 16+ hours yesterday and ditto for today.  i'm used to him being gone, but i've really missed him and the kids have been okay, but i'm just very edgy.

that and i feel like i'm constantly going to puke today.  i think it's one too many gallons of arnold palmer's... ha.

mentally i have a ton going on in my brain.  besides the daily chores (of which i'm always behind) and the constant clutter (that i don't really want to face and clean up because i'm tired and lazy), and the bills (that are always a sore spot whether or not they are paid), and the kids (too much to list in a parenthesis) ;), my mind has been focused on other things lately...

1.  friends~ my lack of close friendships.  i have a few semi-close friends.  i have friends i could go to if i needed something.  i have acquaintances.  what i don't have is that deeper level of friendship.  i haven't had that in a very long time and i miss it.  and none of this includes my hubby.  he is my BESTEST friend ever!! :)  i'm talking about girl-friends. :)  but at the same time, i stink at friendships.  too many hurts in the past i guess. so i'm not sure i want close friendships.  now there's a mental puzzle for ya!

2.  the way i look~  my hair has gotten super long and i want to cut it.  however, i wear a ponytail 6 3/4 out of 7 days.  plus it's wavy.  short hair + wavy hair = a bush. so i don't know what to do.  i don't have the money to go to a super nice place to get it done (thank you great clips for the 4.99 coupons!).   i finally wore earrings again a few weeks ago for the first time in a year or so.  i used to wear 7 earrings all the time.  i loved it.  now i couldn't find enough matching earrings in my jewelry box to wear that many!  makeup...eh.  i wear it to church and if we go somewhere special.  i've always been the 'if you don't like me the natural way, then you have no business being my friend' kinda person. :)  that and i was never shown how to wear makeup so i feel dumb.  thankfully my baby sister is a princess and has given me tips. :)  and my weight.  ha.  a year ago i was proud of the weight i had lost, despite still being right near 200 lbs.  12 months and 1 baby later, i gained back all i had lost plus and extra 20 or 30...  it was the most i had ever gained in a pregnancy! (almost double of my 2nd child!).  so now 8 weeks postpardum, i'm back to the EXACT weight i was when i started weight watchers two years ago.  and i DO want to lose it and prove i can do it again, but at the same time, i have a LOT of doubt that i CAN do it again... UGH!  well, some days i'm not sure if it's doubt or pure exhaustion, but still...

3.  my house~why do i let it look as badly as it does?  besides making me look like a bad housewife, i know it's wrong to be so messy and disorganized.  it really does irritate me, but if it can't be perfect, then it has to be perfectly chaotic.  some of you will totally understand that. it doesn't bother me to go to someone else's house and it be a total wreck (or worse...i've seen it), but it drives me crazy about my own!   i can recite several verses that prove to me i need to be neater, but i can't get it to sink in.  i refuse to have people over, die at the thought of someone 'dropping' by, and feel very embarrassed and ashamed... all of which i hate!  if i just got up and DID it, it wouldn't be so cluttered.

those are the top 3 things mentally plaguing me this weekend.

as for not being spiritually up to par... well, that's going to have to wait for another post.  i'm just not up for that at the moment.

plus i haven't heard my daughter for a few minutes... that's NEVER a good thing!!

for lack of many things

one of the reasons it took so long for me to make a {hopefully} public-to-my-friends blog is because of the title.

no, seriously...

it seemed that every witty, cutesy, intelligent blog title i could come up with (which wasn't many) were already taken.  and it FRUSTRATED me to no end!! have i really lost my way with words??  hence the title you now see at the top...

lately i've realized that my intelligence is severely out of practice.  i used to pride myself on knowing facts, knowing how to do anything and everything (and teaching myself if i didn't), and knowing up to date information on the world.

it doesn't take that many brain cells to do the laundry, load the dishwasher, vacuum the floors, clean the windows...  and when that's the majority of every single day, my brain has turned to semi-mush.

thankfully raising children does require usage of the brain, although it's usually foggy and tired at the time.  i love being creative in teaching my kids, in disciplining (which my daughter requires a LOT of creativity in this area), and even in feeding them (hey, a dinosaur pb & j is SO much more fun!). :)

but i still feel behind when talking to adults.  i'm not caught up on the latest... well, anything.  i'm just happy i at least know who the president IS.

one reason i wanted to make a more public blog is to increase my intelligence outside of the 3 year old level.  i want to be able to speak (write) like and adult about adult things.  of course my adult conversations usually revolve around potty training, nursing, preschool, etc, but i can always learn more in those areas too.  at least i get to use bigger words. :)

i've also been missing friendships lately.  the 'real' kind.  not just the 'see-you-every-sunday-and-say-hi' kind.  i've been attempting to make closer friendships lately, and i know that's a start, and i'm hoping by sharing on this blog i'll be brave enough to let myself step right out there.

but that's a blog post for another time...

and the purpose of this is...

....to attempt to better myself and my life.  i think...

i've had an 'anonymous' blog for YEARS.  anonymous simply because i don't want the people who know me to really know me.  i'm sure it's a mixture of shame and pride, both things i need to work on.

by the way, you'll notice my lack of capitals, sometimes lack of punctuation, and scatterbrained skipping.  i hope it doesn't annoy you.  and if it does, oh well... 

don't misunderstand me: i am a grammar nut (yay for diagramming!), a capital/use of punctuation stickler, and the worst, a spelling nazi (okay, that's the ONE thing i don't give up).  but the reason i don't often bother with them on the computer is simple: this is MY laid back world.  

that and the fact that my time to write is so limited that it's faster without them. :)

i've still not publicized my introduction to sharing my mind.  still not too sure about it.  but i want to make better friendships, and being transparent is part of that.  i just worry because my transparency seem quite clouded next to the rest of the mostly-put-together world.

and i never know what i'm going to say.  i don't want to put 'guidelines' on this because i want to speak and share what's on my mind. but sometimes that's a bit scary. :)  i don't think the way most people think, i don't function the way most people function......and that sometimes frustrates me and others around me.

but i love to write.  i always have.  i'm not as great as some others and not as good as i used to be, but i always seem to have a lot to say...  at least on the computer...

i rarely have anything to say if you talk to me in person.  people scare me.  and not the scary people, the normal people.  even the people i've known for years.  i've gotten a LOT better in the past two years, but still have a long way to go.  so if you attempt to talk to me and my response is short (and i disappear quickly), don't take it personally.  :)

i love reading all the 'helper' blogs.  you know, the ones that tell you which coupons are awesome, how to save money, healthy living, incredible recipes, and of course written by the 'best' stay at home moms on the planet.  so i thought, 'hmm, wonder what i could contribute to the blogging world?'

then i get up from the computer to get my 2 year old off the kitchen counters and trip over the ever multiplying toys (despite us never buying any) in the disastrous playroom/computer room/junk room (that is a big as some of my friends' bathrooms!), kick over the dog's water dish (that's half empty from my daughter drinking it), and walk across my barely-any-left laminate kitchen floor.

go ahead and laugh. :)  it's true.  and it's funny...both sad funny and funny funny. :)

and then it came to me!!  i was just going to write a 'real' stay at home mom's blog.  i would dare say that the majority of stay at home moms are as perfect as those blogs i've discovered.  life isn't always roses, the kids aren't always happy and obedient, the house isn't always clean, the yard isn't always mowed, and supper isn't always 'almost ready'.

if you want to join me on my imperfect stay at home life, then please keep coming back.  i can't always guarantee a laugh, but in this house, you never know. :)