Change

It's been a while.

A lot has changed in the past few months.  Sometimes life goes through periods of time when not much exciting happens, and other times there's so much change it's hard to keep up with life.

The past few months there has been drastic changes in many areas of my life.  Physically, I'm pregnant again with #5.  LOVE the thought of another little one entering our family.  However, pregnancy isn't all fun and games for me, and the blahness, sickness, exhaustedness, especially during the first trimester just makes time disappear and it all blurs together.  Mentally, I've hit some great highs and some horrible lows, which during pregnancy can sometimes happen in the same day. :P  I'm just recently feeling like I'm not living in the depths of despair and starting to get my life put back together. Spiritually, I've turned my back on God, chose to live in sin, ignored the truth, finally let the truth get through and am slowly working to turn it all around.

Then of course there's just life itself.  Hubby trying desperately to find a new school that will actually pay him enough for us to just survive, always bills left unpaid, no idea as to how we'll make it in the fall if he is at the same school, him working 3 jobs which takes him away from us and still isn't enough to cover all the monthly bills....  all while trying not to worry since that doesn't help at all.  Thankfully, neither of us are worriers, but watching reality does make us concerned.

I'm thankful we just keep at it.  Even on the days I tend to try and ignore life, God is there to encourage me in some way.

I look back on the past 5 months and realize how much has changed. Instead of being disappointed that many of the changes were negative, those that were positive give me hope that the right kind of change can happen.  My heart, my mind, my all, needs to be focused on Him. When I'm living my life for Christ, the positive changes can explode in ways I could never imagine.

This is what I'm hoping my choices lead to over the next few months.

Comfort Zone

I claim to be a pretty tough cookie.

Nothing scares me, nothing bothers me (bothers, not irritates.... plenty of things irritate me ;), my emotions rarely shift and when they do it isn't far on the spectrum.

Let me add in here, that's on a normal day.  On the day my dysfunctioning brain and meds don't get along, I can be an emotionally out of control mess.  Those are the days I'm not really me. That's  not what I'm talking about here.

I learned at a young age to harden my emotions. To keep them out of life was necessary in order to survive the abuse I was enduring.  I kept them hardened, hidden, reigned in, and although it helped me then, it has only hurt me since.

Relationships are emotional.  In order to have a deep friendship, there has to be an emotional give and take on the part of both involved.  It took many, many years to let even my husband break that emotional barrier with me.  There are still days my coldness comes out, but he has learned to be patient with me, and when necessary, reprimand my coldness and chip away at my wall.

However, I live with him. He sees me all the time, in many situations, and is my closest friend in the world.  God did that on purpose.  He knew I would need my hubby and his exact personality to start tearing down those emotional walls. As God pushed me into friendships over the years, the emotions I faced 'coincidentally' seemed to be ones my hubby had just started chipping away at.  This allowed me to develop some deeper friendships, but my walls were still there.

Over the past few months and a lot of changes that happened over the past couple of years, God decided to put me out of my comfort zone by pushing me towards people again.  He made me realize I did need people, no matter how much I tried convincing myself I didn't.

After a lot of wrestling with Him (which is a total waste of time and heartache, so I do NOT recommend it), I got up the courage to ask a long time, base level friend for help in an area that I was being swallowed up in.  It was beyond my comfort zone and very difficult, but I knew I couldn't do it without another human pushing me and keeping me accountable. It was (ok, still is) nerve wracking, embarrassing, stretching, and flat out not fun. Her response to me was far better than I expected, we were very similar in personality, and a friendship began growing and deepening, tearing down some of those emotional walls. I am so thankful for her and for how God has used her in my life.

Then God turned the tables and instead of me needing help and support, it was my turn to offer it.  I love helping others.  Absolutely LOVE. I have no doubt that He made me an encourager, a helper, someone who will sacrifice anything for the good of another. I've been that helper before to others, in several harder situations, and it's just something my heart enjoys doing. He brought another base level friend to me who needed encouragement, and I jumped in with both feet after my wonderful experience with the first friend.

However, being the emotionally inexperienced (and still heavily walled) person I was, I didn't take into account that God had brought someone with a totally different personality into my life. She is my opposite and yet exactly what I needed as well. It is a much more difficult relationship on my end, because of my lack of emotions and refusal to release those emotions freely, but slowly the walls are being chipped away, and when there is a breakthrough (usually after a rough moment in the relationship), I can just tell my emotions have been allowed to have some freedom.  It has made me grow in ways I didn't think was possible. I am very thankful for her and what she has taught me so far.

I'm not sure I like the emotional vulnerability with either friend.  I don't know what to do with emotions and it's very confusing for me at times. It's difficult and makes me want to grab the bricks and mortar and quickly rebuild. However, in those moments of calmness, I have a peace and security I haven't known in a long time in a friendship besides my husband.  He needs to be my first and most important friend, but I also need 'girl' friends to navigate this insane job of wife and mommy.

Yes, you read that right. I admitted it.  I finally realize I need friendships.

I'm not claiming to be the expert at them either. I know I am far from that! Allowing myself the freedom to step out of my comfort zone the past few months has led to some amazing conversations, results, laughs, tears, frustrations, and help in overcoming sin. I can even add in there that my physical life was probably saved.  Soooo, I can't knock friendships anymore.

God has definitely picked me up and set me outside my comfort zone in this area.  After fighting Him for so long, He just shoved me out there and waited for me to see what He could do in this area.

It definitely exceeded any thoughts or ideas I had ever had before.

That's how my awesome God works!

HIS Timing

I find it kind of ironic that I got on here to talk about God's timing, and my last post was about timing. I've been gone a while due to the holidays and all the craziness that comes with it, and trying to find the 'normal' again.

The last few weeks have been emotional roller coasters. Actually, I think emotional tornadoes is a better term.  Crazy emotions coming out of nowhere, completely unexpected, and leaving a trail of mess behind them.  Sometimes that mess was just pure hurt and confusion, sometimes it was tearing open something hidden that eventually turned into something good.

I don't like emotions. I don't know how to deal with them. I don't like feeling them. They make me awkward and rambling. Both of which I already am without emotions.  Throw emotions in and I'm guaranteed to do something stupid and embarrassing.

Leading up to the holiday I dread the most, God had already put people into place to pray me through. As the holiday happened and the rush and mess of the week continued, God brought others to encourage and pray me through.  This was the first Christmas in a long time I didn't completely lose my mind and even found some enjoyment in it, and I have no doubt it was because of those few close friends praying me through.

Yet I'm always amazed at how quickly I can let myself lose focus on Him and allow the sins of the world to distract me.  My pride, distrust, and simply forgetting who I am in Christ swallows me quickly and I'm blinded to the goodness He just allowed me to experience.

It's no coincidence that when I step away from the Word, my heart and mind do as well.

Right before Christmas, God and I had an incredible talk. An incredible meeting and change in my heart regarding my attitude towards music and worship.  It affected me so deeply that for days I would just thank Him for that moment and for loving me enough to chisel away at the hardened parts of my heart.

Hard to believe that two weeks later I was allowing sin take over that same heart He had just worked on. How easily I forgot that moment with Him. I'm thankful that He continued to give me little glimpses and remembrances in order to not let me be swallowed up in sin.

I know since then I've pulled away from Him. The shame and guilt cause me to go into hiding, even though that makes absolutely no sense.  As I've slowly let Him work on me and speak to me, He's using those weak moments of sin to teach me about other issues in my life and how, through Him only, I can face and overcome them.

Less than two weeks away from that low moment, He has given me an unexpected blessing that I can only thank Him for.  Through this blessing He is teaching me more about his unconditional love and forgiveness.

No matter how often I lose focus on Him, He is constantly watching, loving, caring, and protecting me.

In every single detail, He leaves His perfect mark, showing that every situation is weaved by His perfect timing.

Timing

The past few days I've been working on writing out some difficult things. Because it's always crazy around here, making the time to write is tricky.

I didn't want to write in the morning, because I didn't want it to affect my entire day.

I didn't want to write at night because I didn't want to cause me not to sleep or to have bad dreams.

Any time between that is filled with crazy children, chores that are always behind, and a tired momma pulled into many directions.

Today I realized, that although each of these excuses have valid reasons, they are still just excuses. Reasons I give myself to walk away and not face the difficulty, which means I'm missing the blessing and growth in Christ that can come from having victory here.

Sometimes, timing is everything, and other times, timing is just an excuse.

Details

It never fails to fascinate me and put me in awe whenever I can see God working in the little things.

Yeah, He works in the big things, but we tend to notice those, especially if His working isn't what we would initially want.

In our crazy, busy, self-consumed world, we easily overlook the little things, which if we think about it, all those little things add up to the big things.

This past year I really wanted to focus on the little things. I needed to stop and take the time to see God in my everyday, all day, normal (is there such a thing as a mom??) routines and seemingly unimportant daily tasks and lists so that I could be reminded that where He has me, right here, at this exact place and time in my life, is exactly where He wants me.

I admit I don't focus on it enough. If I would, I wouldn't still struggle with so much discontentment.

That's another post for another day. ;)

Because my life is filled of little things pertaining mostly to little people (and if I want to be funny, my little house itself), I don't take time to see God in the little ways that He is changing and growing me to be more like Christ.

On the negative side, if He is trying to correct a wrong behavior or sin in my life, and I continually ignore the little promptings and encouragements, then He will bring the bigger changes in order to prevent me from falling further away.  Been there, done that, more than once (or twice), and if I was smart, wouldn't go there again. Consequences of my selfish, stubborn self that are not fun at all.

On the positive side, those little details He is in, is to show me how much He loves me. It's that simple. He only does what is best for me, and can only do good. As I've gotten better at noticing His hand in the little details, I've learned to immediately respond with 'Oh, how He loves us so!' It's from a song that touched (and continues to touch) my life deeply in regards to difficult circumstances I have faced.  The love He has for me has overwhelmed and consumed me and when I see it, I can only declare His unconditional love for me that I don't deserve in the least.

After writing my post yesterday, I was overwhelmed and hurt and fighting and frustrated that I was once again dealing with an issue I had taken care of.

You can't comment, 'well, maybe you didn't really take care of it,' because trust me, Jesus and I had an all out face to face meeting once upon a time and it was dealt with.

One thing I'm learning however, is that when an issue involves so much hurt, pain and details, even though the main part has been dealt with, there are a lot of leftover tentacles that can survive on their own and wreak havoc in their own way.  Sometimes they aren't even recognizable until other tentacles and obstacles are removed.

Kind of like a multi-layered dessert.  But not pretty or delicious.

Sorry, Christmas baking on my mind...

Where was I?

After my frustration yesterday morning (that had been coming to a head for a few weeks), God reminded me that this isn't one of those cut and dried issues. It's not something that can be taken care of with one fell swoop because it's a situation that developed over time and grew many nasty tentacles that caused their own damage.

When I initially took care of the main issue, that was the focus God wanted me to have. That was the big hurt that needed dealt with at that time and He was there and gave me everything I needed in order to face it and have victory.

Because He loves me, He didn't immediately start throwing all those tentacles at me to deal with. He gave me time to heal, time to process, time to grow more like Christ, and when the timing was perfect, He brought on one of those smaller layers to be dealt with.  He knew I would have to revisit the main issue, but since it had been taken care of, the wound was just a scar, with no chance of opening back up and causing pain. I could reach into what I learned from that and use it to help me fight the smaller issue without worrying about the sting it could cause again. Scars have no feeling themselves, just mental reminders and evidence of a wound healed.

I don't need to be frustrated that I'm dealing with this 'yet again,' because actually, I'm not.  I'm dealing with this part that came from that main issue, that has never been dealt with and needs to be so that I can grow to be more like Christ.

It isn't fun. It isn't easy. and Yes, I'd rather cut off my pinky toe with a spoon.  My tendencies to run away from difficult things (even physically run away), kicked into hyperdrive yesterday when I realized that right now is when He wants me to face and deal with this specific detail.

In my Bible study this morning, she had us go back and review a few specific things we had done two days ago.  We had had to write down three to five emotions that characterize our first experience when faced with conflict or stressful situations. One of mine was 'run away'.

Trust me, how I haven't ran away already is by God alone. I'm a runner... it's what I do. Well, not an athletic runner like has become so popular recently, otherwise I wouldn't be so overweight. ;)

Anyway, we then had to take those emotions and write down steps we can take to redirect those thoughts and emotions. When I got to 'run away' this is what I put down:

"God Himself brought me here and He doesn't want me to run away. Instead He wants me to stay and learn and grow in Him."

This was the day before He tore open my Christmas issues.

Not fair, God. Not funny either. He made sure I put a blocker in place of running away before He decided to help me work on Christmas.

I didn't know that was His plan at the time I wrote that, or trust me, I would've definitely given myself the out to run away. He knew that. And in His loving way, He was preparing me for the change and work He was going to do in me in order to help me grow to be more like His Son.

Oh, how He loves us so!

I wish I could end this with a declaration of how I spent yesterday working through and resolving this tentacle that has stung me for so many Christmas times, but I can't.

And that's okay.

God doesn't live in our 24 hour time periods. He doesn't set limits on time when it comes to growth. My human self wants to say I dealt with it in one day, or have the expectation that it was done in one day, but that isn't how God's timing works. He does a little here, a little there and makes sure along the way that it is really dealt with and healed and turning into a scar.

I can say I started dealing with it. I can say it was incredibly difficult... far more so than I thought it would be. I can say that today I woke up with the mental strength to continue, after reaching a point of mental exhaustion yesterday.

God is interested in my growth and permanent change, not in how quickly or slowly it gets done. It just needs to get done.

Today I wait for His prompting and timing and see where He takes me today in regards to this difficulty. He's in the details, because He loves me, and I just need to look for Him and follow His leading.

Seeking Peace

I'm sitting here typing this early in the morning, while it is still dark out. My lights in the house are out and the only lights on are the twinkling colored lights on our oversized Christmas tree.

It's my favorite thing of the Christmas season... lights.  I love lights on houses, lights on trees, colored lights, white lights, old fashioned lights, LED lights... even the houses that look like their toddlers put on their Christmas lights catch my attention, though my thoughts are slightly different when I look at those.

I absolutely love sitting in a dark room with a lit tree. There's something about it that brings me peace at a time of year that I struggle with the most.

I used to have one of those perfectly decorated, themed, beautiful trees. The tree was my favorite part of Christmas, so it had to be perfect.  This year, the tree is anything but...  and I still love it.

Okay, I don't exactly love it... yet... it's growing on me.

I let the kids do whatever they wanted with it this year... within reason. ;)  we didn't have a lot of ornaments, so we sat for a few hours (on and off) and made a paper chain. i didn't have Christmas colored paper, so instead, our chain is a beautiful mix of pinks, turquoises, oranges and a few other miscellaneous colors. At first, I hated it, simply because it wasn't 'Christmasy,' but it's growing on me.  The one dozen red and silver ornaments I did have, hang in a bunch on one side of the tree.  Randomly scattered is a half dozen of homemade kid ornaments they did in the past, which somehow survived the year in storage. And I can't forget the scattered lot of beanie babies perched on limbs, nesting near the center of the tree, or peering out from their hidden landscape of forest green.

Besides the lights, I do have my other favorite part up there: our family ornament. Every year since the year before Noah was born, we've gotten an ornament with our names and year written on it. It's very popular, but for me it's not the popularity I care about, it's the personalization.  This was us for that year. And every other year for the past seven years, our ornament has had a pregnant momma on there, announcing our newest blessing to come. This year is one of those years for a 'pregnant' ornament, but that tradition is broken.  No new baby coming our way next summer, like several are expecting to hear. (Although, the news became a 'cheap, easy gift' for grandparents that saved us money and shopping time...) ;)  It makes me sad, but it's okay.

Christmas is a very hard time of year for me and has been most of my life. Having kids has really changed that, because the focus became them and not me. As time goes on, old wounds continue to fade and the growing excitement of children allow me to not only tolerate this season, but to enjoy it. Although I still struggled slightly in the back of my mind, God allowed it to be covered and protected my heart.

This year, like always, I dreaded this season, but held on to the hope that once again my children and their joy would distract me. Things were going really well until one day last week and I was completely blindsided with hurt, pain, memories and torn open wounds.  I fell hard.

The thing that bothers me the most, isn't that it still bothers me (though that is very irritating and frustrating!). It's the fact that I don't think it's fair (ha) that it still bothers and affects me so deeply after I've dealt with it.  It was taken care of years ago, yet there are two separate times a year it still bothers me, with Christmas being the number one difficulty. My chest is heavy, my mind is distracted, my heart is aching, yet I'm at a loss as to what is really going on. Prayer and verses stay near because I know that's the first and most important thing.

I get the feeling there's something I'm supposed to learn that I've missed before and if I focus on my Father and keep my heart protected, He will teach me something amazing. I need to stop fearing and hating this season and instead listen and grow and use it for His glory.

And while I'm waiting, I'll continue to enjoy the peacefulness of the lights on the tree and the excited giggles of my littles waiting for Christmas morning...

AWOL

I've been without a computer for 12 days.

Twelve LONG days.

A lot has happened in those twelve days; some blog worthy, most not.

I've learned a few more things about myself.

I've learned a few more things about my depression.

It will definitely be good for me to get back to writing on here.

Maybe starting tomorrow....