soft words

When I went to bed Sunday night, I was so burdened with how I am with Ruby.  Most of the day is spent disciplining her and talking roughly, threateningly, and yes, sometimes yelling...  I even wondered if she knows how much I do love her.

This morning, before she woke up, knocking on her door to be 'released' (her door is broken so she can't open it alone), I prayed that God would give me soft words towards her today.  That He would help my speech be kind, loving, but still firm.  And I prayed for patience... (I think I repeated that one a few times...).  I want to show Christ to her through my words and actions, and I know I haven't been doing that lately.

I want my words to her reflect my heart for her, and not the frustration she causes.  God was really pressing that on me.

She not only looks like me, she has my stubborn, determined, independent personality.  Sometimes I'm proud of that, but most of the time it irritates me.  Like looking in a mirror and seeing what I still haven't changed even as an adult.  That makes me think: if I act like her in my everyday life, how does God deal with me?  He has corrected me (more times than I'd like to mention), and sometimes there were severe consequences, yet I always knew He loved me.  I always felt His comforting presence, not a condemning one.

I prayed I would treat her the same way, no matter how many times I had to discipline her that day.

And then a few hours later, she fell and broke her nose.  My tough, go-getter, determined girl was screaming in real pain for the first time in her life.  She was so very pitiful.  While driving her to the doctor, I actually thought, 'maybe God allowed this so she would be pitiful and it would be easier for me to speak kindly to her'.  ha.  that's sad. :P  It's also the thought of a very frustrated, what-to-do-with-her, mommy.

She fell asleep on the way to the doctor, and upon arriving was right back into her happy, stubborn self.  Her nose was obviously hurting, but it didn't slow her down.  The doctor and nurses were amazed.  I was a bit disappointed. At least ACT like it hurts so the doctor doesn't think I'm nuts. I then realized, even if she had broken her leg, she still probably would have been wreaking havoc on the office as best as she could...

Her nose is broken, and although a bit more whiny and clingy than usual, she is still into everything, climbing as high as she can and jumping off, pushing her big brother's buttons, and using her nose to make me want to puke.  (I have quite a high pain tolerance, but injuries to the nose make me want to vomit).  She has discovered this and uses it against me.  ICK!

By the time I medicated her (again) and tucked her into bed, I had learned something.  Yes, she is a sinner (quite a good one in fact).  Yes, I need to correct her SIN, but not her personality.  God made her stubborn, determined and independent because He has plans for her that require her to be this way.  He created her this way for His glory and His purpose.  My job isn't to change that, it's to teach her to use it for Him.

So I will bite my tongue when I want to yell, catch my words when they are unkind, and use the Word to help convict her and teach her what is right.

Hopefully she doesn't make me die young, like I often say, so I can see what God does with her someday! :)

Time to Feast

This is my adorable nephew Bailey at his first birthday last year.  He was totally into the cake!  Literally!! :)  He will be two in a week, and Aunt Amy is working on designing his next cake to feast on. :) Love my nephew! ♥

It's amazing how after finally making this blog that I have very little to say.  Seems to work that way... some days I have more words than can be said in a day, while other days I'm happy to sit in silence (well, with Ruby, there's never a time mommy can be silent). ;)  Kind of a feast or famine with my words and thoughts.

It's also been that way for us financially the past few years.  Most of the time it's been famine.  The past year has been the hardest of all, at times not even having money for groceries.  Thankfully Ramen Noodles are cheap and my kids love them. :)

It's been a mixture of reasons... I could blame the economy like everyone else.  I could blame it on the state of Ohio and their crazy rules for P.E. Teachers, leaving my hubby at a charter school where pay isn't much compared to district schools.  I could blame it on OSU, saying teachers HAD to have a Master's and would be getting a great job in Ohio just shortly after graduating (that was 6 years ago).  I could blame it on a lot of different things.  These things do have their fair share of helping us be in the famine stage, but we are the real culprits.

We spent years spending money we didn't have, until we realized we were so far in debt in was ridiculous.  After hitting rock bottom (and maybe a bit below that), we finally went to one of our pastors for help.  We spent several weeks working with him and other professionals and learned one major thing: we were in debt over our heads and then some.  Thankfully with the help of our pastor, we began learning self-discipline with our finances.  In just the first month alone, I turned into a 'if it's not the best deal we're looking elsewhere' when it came to EVERYTHING!  From grocery shopping to internet (we gave up cable a few months before this) to gas companies and fighting credit cards.

Our original goal wasn't to become debt free.  That was so far out there to us that we were sure we'd be old and gray and still paying off debt.  We've changed our outlook though.  After becoming very disciplined and putting in much effort we've already been seeing our debt reduced.  In the past 9 months we've been able to pay off one large debt, and next week will be paying off another.  We will be 1/3 less in debt than a year ago!!  We have now seen it IS POSSIBLE to be rid of our debt (okay, the mortgage is not included in any of this). ;)

Right now we are in our 'feasting' time.  Bryan's summer job brings us great blessing as an added income and as of next week will finish paying off that 2nd debt.  By the end of the summer we hope to have the next debt in line reduced by 25%.

During this time it's also easy to get in the mindset of getting things we've gone without the past few months.  Things we CAN live without but have missed (like starbucks.  yes, it's ridiculously overpriced, but i'm addicted.  now i can go there and just sit w/o purchasing anything.  it's a nice quiet hour away for mommy). Basically, things we want and don't necessarily need.  We keep reminding ourselves of how far God has brought us.  We've learned the importance of being good stewards with our money and through that we want to continue glorifying Him by getting rid of our debt.

I want to be a good example to my children in everything, including how to handle the gifts He gives us.   I want to lead by my actions, not just my words.  Help us, Lord!

building a tent

camping has always been an incredibly fun adventure in my life.  i grew up spending many summer hours in tents, swimming in the nearby lake, lying on the old lawn chair lounger thingy by the fire pit and reading book after book.

my hubby also loves camping, despite only going three times in his life before marriage, and all three being miserable experiences for him.  he married into a camping-loving family and now loves it as much as the rest of us!

as i write this, he is at camp.  he has worked for this camp every summer for six years now and thoroughly enjoys it!  because of the economy, a downfall in camper numbers, and overall budget cuts, the camp had to rework through it's programs to save money.

this week is jr. high week.  in the past, they have taken them to lake erie and stayed on kelley's island for 3 days/2 nights. because of budget cuts, this year they had to stay at camp for those nights.

as part of the 'new' experience, last night campers had to build their own shelters out of a few given materials and what they found in nature.  the shelters not only had to stand, but the campers had to sleep under them all night, whether rain, cold, raccoon, snake, etc. came to bother them.  i can't WAIT to hear some of the stories about this! :)

my hubby called late last night, and i asked how his shelter turned out.  counselors were supposed to build shelters as well.  he said by the time they got dinner and the special night activity finished, the counselors ran out of time to build their own shelters and just pitched a tent.  ha. :)

here at home, i've had to 'unexpectedly' build my own tent... as in being CONtent. ha.  okay, that was a bit lame... give me a break, i'm tired! ;)

i'm used to being at home a lot without him because of his crazy long weekend work hours.  but sometimes i just need to get out and away and something different.

i love staying home with my kids.  i really do.  but the staying part sometimes gets to me.  i've always been a traveler, always on the go, planning the next trip, going it alone when others thought i was crazy... it didn't matter.

but now with real responsibilities (you know, a hubby, 3 kids, and a house), along with lack of money, trips are pretty much non-existent.

it doesn't help that i'm discontent with my house either.  we bought this house with the intentions of only staying here 5 years MAXIMUM.  it's been 10.  yeah.  it's small, it's old, the people who 'renovated' it to sell it did it as cheaply as possible (which means everything is falling apart), and my number one issue: it's in the city.

i've really been striving to be content with the house, and in the last year i've finally started turning it into a home.  (yes, it took that long).  my kids love this place because it's all they've ever known, and i want it to be something they enjoy and not be ashamed of (when they get to that age). ;)

so here i sit.  in my little home.  with my 3 wonderful kids.  in the city.  trying to be content with where God has me.

not up to par

just for the record, i hate golf.  it's not a real sport to me.  my apologies to any golf lovers out there.

and yes, i know this blog is already public.  my comments in the previous posts should have been more clear by saying i haven't 'advertised' this blog.  for those of you who have been sneaking and reading, you can stop already. ;)  just leave a comment. :)

today was a rough day... physically, mentally, spiritually...

the past few days i haven't been physically feeling well.  i think my blood pressure is up.  the dr thinks i'm nuts because you aren't supposed to be able to tell when your bp is up, but i can.  and i'm always right.  i've been a bit stressed this past week, and then because of the 'mental' roughness, i haven't been handling my children very well.  my hubby worked 16+ hours yesterday and ditto for today.  i'm used to him being gone, but i've really missed him and the kids have been okay, but i'm just very edgy.

that and i feel like i'm constantly going to puke today.  i think it's one too many gallons of arnold palmer's... ha.

mentally i have a ton going on in my brain.  besides the daily chores (of which i'm always behind) and the constant clutter (that i don't really want to face and clean up because i'm tired and lazy), and the bills (that are always a sore spot whether or not they are paid), and the kids (too much to list in a parenthesis) ;), my mind has been focused on other things lately...

1.  friends~ my lack of close friendships.  i have a few semi-close friends.  i have friends i could go to if i needed something.  i have acquaintances.  what i don't have is that deeper level of friendship.  i haven't had that in a very long time and i miss it.  and none of this includes my hubby.  he is my BESTEST friend ever!! :)  i'm talking about girl-friends. :)  but at the same time, i stink at friendships.  too many hurts in the past i guess. so i'm not sure i want close friendships.  now there's a mental puzzle for ya!

2.  the way i look~  my hair has gotten super long and i want to cut it.  however, i wear a ponytail 6 3/4 out of 7 days.  plus it's wavy.  short hair + wavy hair = a bush. so i don't know what to do.  i don't have the money to go to a super nice place to get it done (thank you great clips for the 4.99 coupons!).   i finally wore earrings again a few weeks ago for the first time in a year or so.  i used to wear 7 earrings all the time.  i loved it.  now i couldn't find enough matching earrings in my jewelry box to wear that many!  makeup...eh.  i wear it to church and if we go somewhere special.  i've always been the 'if you don't like me the natural way, then you have no business being my friend' kinda person. :)  that and i was never shown how to wear makeup so i feel dumb.  thankfully my baby sister is a princess and has given me tips. :)  and my weight.  ha.  a year ago i was proud of the weight i had lost, despite still being right near 200 lbs.  12 months and 1 baby later, i gained back all i had lost plus and extra 20 or 30...  it was the most i had ever gained in a pregnancy! (almost double of my 2nd child!).  so now 8 weeks postpardum, i'm back to the EXACT weight i was when i started weight watchers two years ago.  and i DO want to lose it and prove i can do it again, but at the same time, i have a LOT of doubt that i CAN do it again... UGH!  well, some days i'm not sure if it's doubt or pure exhaustion, but still...

3.  my house~why do i let it look as badly as it does?  besides making me look like a bad housewife, i know it's wrong to be so messy and disorganized.  it really does irritate me, but if it can't be perfect, then it has to be perfectly chaotic.  some of you will totally understand that. it doesn't bother me to go to someone else's house and it be a total wreck (or worse...i've seen it), but it drives me crazy about my own!   i can recite several verses that prove to me i need to be neater, but i can't get it to sink in.  i refuse to have people over, die at the thought of someone 'dropping' by, and feel very embarrassed and ashamed... all of which i hate!  if i just got up and DID it, it wouldn't be so cluttered.

those are the top 3 things mentally plaguing me this weekend.

as for not being spiritually up to par... well, that's going to have to wait for another post.  i'm just not up for that at the moment.

plus i haven't heard my daughter for a few minutes... that's NEVER a good thing!!

for lack of many things

one of the reasons it took so long for me to make a {hopefully} public-to-my-friends blog is because of the title.

no, seriously...

it seemed that every witty, cutesy, intelligent blog title i could come up with (which wasn't many) were already taken.  and it FRUSTRATED me to no end!! have i really lost my way with words??  hence the title you now see at the top...

lately i've realized that my intelligence is severely out of practice.  i used to pride myself on knowing facts, knowing how to do anything and everything (and teaching myself if i didn't), and knowing up to date information on the world.

it doesn't take that many brain cells to do the laundry, load the dishwasher, vacuum the floors, clean the windows...  and when that's the majority of every single day, my brain has turned to semi-mush.

thankfully raising children does require usage of the brain, although it's usually foggy and tired at the time.  i love being creative in teaching my kids, in disciplining (which my daughter requires a LOT of creativity in this area), and even in feeding them (hey, a dinosaur pb & j is SO much more fun!). :)

but i still feel behind when talking to adults.  i'm not caught up on the latest... well, anything.  i'm just happy i at least know who the president IS.

one reason i wanted to make a more public blog is to increase my intelligence outside of the 3 year old level.  i want to be able to speak (write) like and adult about adult things.  of course my adult conversations usually revolve around potty training, nursing, preschool, etc, but i can always learn more in those areas too.  at least i get to use bigger words. :)

i've also been missing friendships lately.  the 'real' kind.  not just the 'see-you-every-sunday-and-say-hi' kind.  i've been attempting to make closer friendships lately, and i know that's a start, and i'm hoping by sharing on this blog i'll be brave enough to let myself step right out there.

but that's a blog post for another time...

and the purpose of this is...

....to attempt to better myself and my life.  i think...

i've had an 'anonymous' blog for YEARS.  anonymous simply because i don't want the people who know me to really know me.  i'm sure it's a mixture of shame and pride, both things i need to work on.

by the way, you'll notice my lack of capitals, sometimes lack of punctuation, and scatterbrained skipping.  i hope it doesn't annoy you.  and if it does, oh well... 

don't misunderstand me: i am a grammar nut (yay for diagramming!), a capital/use of punctuation stickler, and the worst, a spelling nazi (okay, that's the ONE thing i don't give up).  but the reason i don't often bother with them on the computer is simple: this is MY laid back world.  

that and the fact that my time to write is so limited that it's faster without them. :)

i've still not publicized my introduction to sharing my mind.  still not too sure about it.  but i want to make better friendships, and being transparent is part of that.  i just worry because my transparency seem quite clouded next to the rest of the mostly-put-together world.

and i never know what i'm going to say.  i don't want to put 'guidelines' on this because i want to speak and share what's on my mind. but sometimes that's a bit scary. :)  i don't think the way most people think, i don't function the way most people function......and that sometimes frustrates me and others around me.

but i love to write.  i always have.  i'm not as great as some others and not as good as i used to be, but i always seem to have a lot to say...  at least on the computer...

i rarely have anything to say if you talk to me in person.  people scare me.  and not the scary people, the normal people.  even the people i've known for years.  i've gotten a LOT better in the past two years, but still have a long way to go.  so if you attempt to talk to me and my response is short (and i disappear quickly), don't take it personally.  :)

i love reading all the 'helper' blogs.  you know, the ones that tell you which coupons are awesome, how to save money, healthy living, incredible recipes, and of course written by the 'best' stay at home moms on the planet.  so i thought, 'hmm, wonder what i could contribute to the blogging world?'

then i get up from the computer to get my 2 year old off the kitchen counters and trip over the ever multiplying toys (despite us never buying any) in the disastrous playroom/computer room/junk room (that is a big as some of my friends' bathrooms!), kick over the dog's water dish (that's half empty from my daughter drinking it), and walk across my barely-any-left laminate kitchen floor.

go ahead and laugh. :)  it's true.  and it's funny...both sad funny and funny funny. :)

and then it came to me!!  i was just going to write a 'real' stay at home mom's blog.  i would dare say that the majority of stay at home moms are as perfect as those blogs i've discovered.  life isn't always roses, the kids aren't always happy and obedient, the house isn't always clean, the yard isn't always mowed, and supper isn't always 'almost ready'.

if you want to join me on my imperfect stay at home life, then please keep coming back.  i can't always guarantee a laugh, but in this house, you never know. :)