A jumbled tired mess of words...

I don't really have anything interesting to say.  I'm simply avoiding getting the day started.  Just feeling kinda blah and 'eh' and a lot on my mind. My mind is a jumbled as the items in this picture (which is one of my favorite pictures lately).  I walked by this one night after the kids went to bed, and the collage of odd items in a semi-pattern just struck me.  

Okay, stop laughing at me...



My daughter is trying to make me have a heart attack at 32.  Which with my enormous size and failure to lose ANY weight lately makes a heart attack quite likely.  I love her though... maybe because she reminds me so much of myself.  Some days that is a scary thing.

My husband has been experiencing worse symptoms from his TIA last winter.  After months of bugging him to go to the new neurologist I finally gave up.  Then last week he came to me and asked me to help him get an appointment.  He finally admitted things were getting worse, and they must be for him to ask AND follow up by getting all of his records to send to the new doctor.  The neurologist he was seeing was convinced it was MS, despite several tests showing negative results for MS.  Instead of looking for another diagnosis, he still wanted to treat him for MS: painful daily treatments in the form of shots, which would cost at least $1000/month after insurance.  But MY issue was him getting treated for something he most likely doesn't have, and the real problem will continue to get worse.  I've really been praying for God to give the new doctor wisdom and concern.  He's too young to lose what he's starting to lose...

My oldest son is starting Head Start next week.  It's a HUGE deal for me, because I never thought I'd be sending my child to school.  I've always planned on homeschooling, but the offer of free speech therapy is much needed for him.  I'm still homeschooling him at home because he's academically farther ahead than the Head Start program, but I think it will be good for him in many areas.  I'm even excited about finding out things I can get involved in with other moms in my community and other programs to help him out (and possibly my daughter, who the HS teacher says may need speech too).

My youngest son is growing too quickly.  Enough said.  

I have a very dear friend having surgery in two days, and I'm scared for her.  I'm usually all about the 'surgery procedure is cool' and into the whole process for scientific reasons, but this time I wish I didn't know what I do know.  I believe this is necessary for her to have done, but I want to cry every time I think of the details. I haven't told her this and I try not to talk details with her because I want to scream 'DON'T DO IT!'.  I know she NEEDS it done and will be okay... just my very rare fear of something for someone I love. (And I'm 99% sure she doesn't read this, so I'm not worried).  I've never had something bother me so much.  I'm not trying to be self-focused either.  I know this isn't about me at all.  It's about her and that is breaking my heart because I love her so very much.  So I'm praying and clinging to my Father that He knows best and He is in 100% control of it all, and I will do whatever I can for her.

That's my jumbled up heart today.  Now to tuck it aside and get the day going...

Hugs from Strangers

I've been trying to write this post for two weeks now (okay, now make it three...).  Been a little crazy working on some bigger projects as well as cleaning for my first ever Tastefully Simple party.  This will be the third 'people gathering' I've had at my home this summer...  more than the last 10 years combined (nope, not kidding).  I'm starting to like having people over, and starting to be okay with the fact that my house isn't as huge, nicely decorated, or up-to-date as some of my other friends.  I always grew up with the idea of 'come to see me, not my house', but pride stepped in the way after I realized my 'things' aren't near as nice as others.  Working on that...

But that's neither here nor there with what I intended to write about.

Two weeks ago I went to a Tastefully Simple meeting designed just for consultants.  My team leader wanted me to come because I've been considering becoming a consultant.  This was the big Autumn meeting, where consultants were able to taste new fall products and learn about new changes for the fall.

The fact that I went was a monumental thing in and of itself.  I've never liked big 'group' things (okay, or small ones), but I really don't like going when I don't know anyone.  I didn't technically even 'know' my team leader... I'd met her once, and talked to her a few times to set up the party I was hosting.  But for some odd reason, (like maybe God's prompting?) I was very interested in becoming a consultant.  So I went...

I got there a bit early, and somewhat boldly walked into the building.  I stood for a bit, trying to decide if I should talk to someone... I wasn't even sure I recognized my team leader!  As I waited and tried to make myself not run out the door, people began arriving... and coming up to talk to me... and even HUGGED me and said they were glad I was there!

The meeting was in a church rec room, so I thought maybe these were the church ladies??  Or maybe they all knew each other and knew I was new??  I didn't understand... But the friendliness and hugs and even conversation was amazing!  All from strangers!  As the meeting got going, I realized these ladies were from all over columbus, and only each team knew their own members.  They were meeting new people as well, and even though they knew I wasn't a consultant, they included me in everything.

I went through the meeting feeling like I had been there forever, like I had known these ladies forever.  We ate, talked, laughed, pondered and listened together. It was nice, but it was odd...

...simply because it made me think about my church friends.  Those I've known and gone to church with for the last eleven years.  ELEVEN years.  Yet some I've known that long and I'm still only on an acquaintance level of friendship.  Some I've known less, and still don't really know them.

Why is that??  Yes, I'm shy, not a people person, intimidated easily, etc., but why am I not close to those God has placed in my immediate church family??  I only remember one or two instances when someone from church came up and hugged me and welcomed me without really knowing me.  Why is that?

And I'm the same way.  Or I used to be.  I had a very bad habit of comparing myself to others: what I wore, how I acted, if I was a good enough Christian, if my home was as good as someone else's.  It got to the point where I even believed my infertility was God telling me that I would never be as good of a mother as some of those in our church.

The last few years I've been pushing myself to make friendships.  The real kind.  The kind where you call (okay, text) any time of day or night, can drop by unexpected and they don't care, or vice versa.  The kind back in high school we used to call best friends.  I have finally built my list up to four.  I have four people in my life that fit this criteria.  Friendships that have taken a lot of work, a lot of heartache, and a lot of uncertainty, but in the end each of these friendships are more than worth it.

And I don't want it to stop at four.  I want to be the example at our church of someone who will smile, talk to you, introduce myself, and yes, maybe even hug you.  I've got a ways to go, but I'm thinking this is something God wants me to do... wants all of us to do!  He designed us to have relationships, especially with others part of His church.

Some days I'm excited and some days I'm not.  Yesterday at church was one of those 'nots'...  I got there late (actually this time unintentionally) and ran out of there pretty quickly.  I DID sit by some friends though (since hubby wasn't there) instead of sitting alone like usual.  But there were new people there and I didn't take the time to welcome them...

Still a long way to go...

But at least now I'm willing!

Blue is not my favorite color

No, it isn't.  Green is.  Dark Green to be specific.  I don't know why... what makes someone like one color over another?  I'm sure there is a scientific psychological answer out there, but for this post, I really don't care.

Blue is actually my second favorite color.  Dark blue.  Unfortunately that seems to be where I'm at right now...  feeling 'blue', in a 'dark' place...  Anyone close to me isn't going to be surprised.  It's a struggle I've fought all my life. This time is different... in a good way (finally!).

I heard the other day that 80% of moms will experience postpartum depression.  It seems kind of high to me, but I'm not a doctor, or person who has apparently polled all new moms.  I honestly never worried about it with Noah, simply because I've always battled depression... how could this be any different?  So I went on a blind new mommy, learning, fumbling, crying, and rejoicing at little things through his first year.

Then came Ruby.  My pregnancy with her was so different... SHE was such a different baby inside.  After she was born, I hit a roller coaster of emotions.  The new change to having two, having the second one be completely opposite in every way to the first, the digestive issues she struggled with, and a husband working crazy hours and gone most of the time was tossed into the hormones and made one prize-winning soup!

By the time she was four months old, I was in a pit.  I hadn't been there in a long time, and this was my first experience while having children.  To save myself some embarrassment I'll leave out most of the details.  But at times it got scary... never towards my children, but only towards myself.  One day I put both kids in the van and started driving.  I drove all day with no destination in mind.  Thankfully two friends stepped in that day and I eventually returned home and even realized I needed intervention.

Less than a year later I was pregnant with Zane.  He was our first surprise, and a WONDERFUL one at that!  Amazingly, my pregnancy with him was different from the first two.  However, most of the 39 weeks I spent worrying.  Was I hurting my baby?  How would this affect him?  How am I going to handle that stupid postpartum junk?

You see, this time I've been expecting it.  With all three kids there's been a 'start' time to the downward spiral into the pit.  When I look back I can see it.  Right around the time the babies are three months old, and the hormones are 'settling' back to normal (or a new normal in my opinion), the depressions hits.  I know it is a hormonal imbalance mixed with a chemical imbalance in my brain.  I've become very knowledgeable on the subject in the past year and a half simply because I'm the type that has to know information, especially if it concerns something being 'wrong' with me.

Just like expected, the down time started.  It's steadily progressed downward the past couple of weeks and I can see the tougher times coming very soon.  The difference is expecting it helps incredibly!

Yes, I'm down, but I can tell myself: " don't do anything stupid or impulsive (that last one is a hard one for me anytime!).  remember it will be over soon and things will be okay.  just hang in there and ask God to get you through it."

The past few days I've really had to pray and push through it.  For some reason, driving away becomes a strong desire when I'm down.  Thankfully I was able to visit a friend this week who lives a bit farther away.  I also have a trip to Indiana tomorrow with just the kids and I, so that will definitely help.

At home, nothing interests me.  Many things go undone (not that cleaning has ever been the highlight of my days anyway). ;)  The kids end up watching way more TV than they should and eating less healthier meals than usual.  I can go for days without leaving the house or taking a shower, and it doesn't phase me at all (of course I've gotten accustomed to days between showers...). :P  I'm absolutely fine to not talk to any friends either.

But I don't want it to be this way.  Since I expected it this time, I'm able to put more effort into not letting it affect me as much.  I want to keep up on the house (because I know what it's like when I get way behind... ugh), I want to play with my kids and feed them healthy meals and snacks, I want to talk to and be with friends who encourage me.  I'd add my hubby to the list as well, but since he's rarely here that one becomes a hard thing.  I want to get out of the house and enjoy the outdoors that I love!

Right now I can say I'm halfway winning the battle... that's a lot better than usual.  But I'm frustrated today.  I'm losing today.   Ugh.

I need to spend more time in prayer today.  That's definitely the best thing I can do.

soft words

When I went to bed Sunday night, I was so burdened with how I am with Ruby.  Most of the day is spent disciplining her and talking roughly, threateningly, and yes, sometimes yelling...  I even wondered if she knows how much I do love her.

This morning, before she woke up, knocking on her door to be 'released' (her door is broken so she can't open it alone), I prayed that God would give me soft words towards her today.  That He would help my speech be kind, loving, but still firm.  And I prayed for patience... (I think I repeated that one a few times...).  I want to show Christ to her through my words and actions, and I know I haven't been doing that lately.

I want my words to her reflect my heart for her, and not the frustration she causes.  God was really pressing that on me.

She not only looks like me, she has my stubborn, determined, independent personality.  Sometimes I'm proud of that, but most of the time it irritates me.  Like looking in a mirror and seeing what I still haven't changed even as an adult.  That makes me think: if I act like her in my everyday life, how does God deal with me?  He has corrected me (more times than I'd like to mention), and sometimes there were severe consequences, yet I always knew He loved me.  I always felt His comforting presence, not a condemning one.

I prayed I would treat her the same way, no matter how many times I had to discipline her that day.

And then a few hours later, she fell and broke her nose.  My tough, go-getter, determined girl was screaming in real pain for the first time in her life.  She was so very pitiful.  While driving her to the doctor, I actually thought, 'maybe God allowed this so she would be pitiful and it would be easier for me to speak kindly to her'.  ha.  that's sad. :P  It's also the thought of a very frustrated, what-to-do-with-her, mommy.

She fell asleep on the way to the doctor, and upon arriving was right back into her happy, stubborn self.  Her nose was obviously hurting, but it didn't slow her down.  The doctor and nurses were amazed.  I was a bit disappointed. At least ACT like it hurts so the doctor doesn't think I'm nuts. I then realized, even if she had broken her leg, she still probably would have been wreaking havoc on the office as best as she could...

Her nose is broken, and although a bit more whiny and clingy than usual, she is still into everything, climbing as high as she can and jumping off, pushing her big brother's buttons, and using her nose to make me want to puke.  (I have quite a high pain tolerance, but injuries to the nose make me want to vomit).  She has discovered this and uses it against me.  ICK!

By the time I medicated her (again) and tucked her into bed, I had learned something.  Yes, she is a sinner (quite a good one in fact).  Yes, I need to correct her SIN, but not her personality.  God made her stubborn, determined and independent because He has plans for her that require her to be this way.  He created her this way for His glory and His purpose.  My job isn't to change that, it's to teach her to use it for Him.

So I will bite my tongue when I want to yell, catch my words when they are unkind, and use the Word to help convict her and teach her what is right.

Hopefully she doesn't make me die young, like I often say, so I can see what God does with her someday! :)

Time to Feast

This is my adorable nephew Bailey at his first birthday last year.  He was totally into the cake!  Literally!! :)  He will be two in a week, and Aunt Amy is working on designing his next cake to feast on. :) Love my nephew! ♥

It's amazing how after finally making this blog that I have very little to say.  Seems to work that way... some days I have more words than can be said in a day, while other days I'm happy to sit in silence (well, with Ruby, there's never a time mommy can be silent). ;)  Kind of a feast or famine with my words and thoughts.

It's also been that way for us financially the past few years.  Most of the time it's been famine.  The past year has been the hardest of all, at times not even having money for groceries.  Thankfully Ramen Noodles are cheap and my kids love them. :)

It's been a mixture of reasons... I could blame the economy like everyone else.  I could blame it on the state of Ohio and their crazy rules for P.E. Teachers, leaving my hubby at a charter school where pay isn't much compared to district schools.  I could blame it on OSU, saying teachers HAD to have a Master's and would be getting a great job in Ohio just shortly after graduating (that was 6 years ago).  I could blame it on a lot of different things.  These things do have their fair share of helping us be in the famine stage, but we are the real culprits.

We spent years spending money we didn't have, until we realized we were so far in debt in was ridiculous.  After hitting rock bottom (and maybe a bit below that), we finally went to one of our pastors for help.  We spent several weeks working with him and other professionals and learned one major thing: we were in debt over our heads and then some.  Thankfully with the help of our pastor, we began learning self-discipline with our finances.  In just the first month alone, I turned into a 'if it's not the best deal we're looking elsewhere' when it came to EVERYTHING!  From grocery shopping to internet (we gave up cable a few months before this) to gas companies and fighting credit cards.

Our original goal wasn't to become debt free.  That was so far out there to us that we were sure we'd be old and gray and still paying off debt.  We've changed our outlook though.  After becoming very disciplined and putting in much effort we've already been seeing our debt reduced.  In the past 9 months we've been able to pay off one large debt, and next week will be paying off another.  We will be 1/3 less in debt than a year ago!!  We have now seen it IS POSSIBLE to be rid of our debt (okay, the mortgage is not included in any of this). ;)

Right now we are in our 'feasting' time.  Bryan's summer job brings us great blessing as an added income and as of next week will finish paying off that 2nd debt.  By the end of the summer we hope to have the next debt in line reduced by 25%.

During this time it's also easy to get in the mindset of getting things we've gone without the past few months.  Things we CAN live without but have missed (like starbucks.  yes, it's ridiculously overpriced, but i'm addicted.  now i can go there and just sit w/o purchasing anything.  it's a nice quiet hour away for mommy). Basically, things we want and don't necessarily need.  We keep reminding ourselves of how far God has brought us.  We've learned the importance of being good stewards with our money and through that we want to continue glorifying Him by getting rid of our debt.

I want to be a good example to my children in everything, including how to handle the gifts He gives us.   I want to lead by my actions, not just my words.  Help us, Lord!

building a tent

camping has always been an incredibly fun adventure in my life.  i grew up spending many summer hours in tents, swimming in the nearby lake, lying on the old lawn chair lounger thingy by the fire pit and reading book after book.

my hubby also loves camping, despite only going three times in his life before marriage, and all three being miserable experiences for him.  he married into a camping-loving family and now loves it as much as the rest of us!

as i write this, he is at camp.  he has worked for this camp every summer for six years now and thoroughly enjoys it!  because of the economy, a downfall in camper numbers, and overall budget cuts, the camp had to rework through it's programs to save money.

this week is jr. high week.  in the past, they have taken them to lake erie and stayed on kelley's island for 3 days/2 nights. because of budget cuts, this year they had to stay at camp for those nights.

as part of the 'new' experience, last night campers had to build their own shelters out of a few given materials and what they found in nature.  the shelters not only had to stand, but the campers had to sleep under them all night, whether rain, cold, raccoon, snake, etc. came to bother them.  i can't WAIT to hear some of the stories about this! :)

my hubby called late last night, and i asked how his shelter turned out.  counselors were supposed to build shelters as well.  he said by the time they got dinner and the special night activity finished, the counselors ran out of time to build their own shelters and just pitched a tent.  ha. :)

here at home, i've had to 'unexpectedly' build my own tent... as in being CONtent. ha.  okay, that was a bit lame... give me a break, i'm tired! ;)

i'm used to being at home a lot without him because of his crazy long weekend work hours.  but sometimes i just need to get out and away and something different.

i love staying home with my kids.  i really do.  but the staying part sometimes gets to me.  i've always been a traveler, always on the go, planning the next trip, going it alone when others thought i was crazy... it didn't matter.

but now with real responsibilities (you know, a hubby, 3 kids, and a house), along with lack of money, trips are pretty much non-existent.

it doesn't help that i'm discontent with my house either.  we bought this house with the intentions of only staying here 5 years MAXIMUM.  it's been 10.  yeah.  it's small, it's old, the people who 'renovated' it to sell it did it as cheaply as possible (which means everything is falling apart), and my number one issue: it's in the city.

i've really been striving to be content with the house, and in the last year i've finally started turning it into a home.  (yes, it took that long).  my kids love this place because it's all they've ever known, and i want it to be something they enjoy and not be ashamed of (when they get to that age). ;)

so here i sit.  in my little home.  with my 3 wonderful kids.  in the city.  trying to be content with where God has me.

not up to par

just for the record, i hate golf.  it's not a real sport to me.  my apologies to any golf lovers out there.

and yes, i know this blog is already public.  my comments in the previous posts should have been more clear by saying i haven't 'advertised' this blog.  for those of you who have been sneaking and reading, you can stop already. ;)  just leave a comment. :)

today was a rough day... physically, mentally, spiritually...

the past few days i haven't been physically feeling well.  i think my blood pressure is up.  the dr thinks i'm nuts because you aren't supposed to be able to tell when your bp is up, but i can.  and i'm always right.  i've been a bit stressed this past week, and then because of the 'mental' roughness, i haven't been handling my children very well.  my hubby worked 16+ hours yesterday and ditto for today.  i'm used to him being gone, but i've really missed him and the kids have been okay, but i'm just very edgy.

that and i feel like i'm constantly going to puke today.  i think it's one too many gallons of arnold palmer's... ha.

mentally i have a ton going on in my brain.  besides the daily chores (of which i'm always behind) and the constant clutter (that i don't really want to face and clean up because i'm tired and lazy), and the bills (that are always a sore spot whether or not they are paid), and the kids (too much to list in a parenthesis) ;), my mind has been focused on other things lately...

1.  friends~ my lack of close friendships.  i have a few semi-close friends.  i have friends i could go to if i needed something.  i have acquaintances.  what i don't have is that deeper level of friendship.  i haven't had that in a very long time and i miss it.  and none of this includes my hubby.  he is my BESTEST friend ever!! :)  i'm talking about girl-friends. :)  but at the same time, i stink at friendships.  too many hurts in the past i guess. so i'm not sure i want close friendships.  now there's a mental puzzle for ya!

2.  the way i look~  my hair has gotten super long and i want to cut it.  however, i wear a ponytail 6 3/4 out of 7 days.  plus it's wavy.  short hair + wavy hair = a bush. so i don't know what to do.  i don't have the money to go to a super nice place to get it done (thank you great clips for the 4.99 coupons!).   i finally wore earrings again a few weeks ago for the first time in a year or so.  i used to wear 7 earrings all the time.  i loved it.  now i couldn't find enough matching earrings in my jewelry box to wear that many!  makeup...eh.  i wear it to church and if we go somewhere special.  i've always been the 'if you don't like me the natural way, then you have no business being my friend' kinda person. :)  that and i was never shown how to wear makeup so i feel dumb.  thankfully my baby sister is a princess and has given me tips. :)  and my weight.  ha.  a year ago i was proud of the weight i had lost, despite still being right near 200 lbs.  12 months and 1 baby later, i gained back all i had lost plus and extra 20 or 30...  it was the most i had ever gained in a pregnancy! (almost double of my 2nd child!).  so now 8 weeks postpardum, i'm back to the EXACT weight i was when i started weight watchers two years ago.  and i DO want to lose it and prove i can do it again, but at the same time, i have a LOT of doubt that i CAN do it again... UGH!  well, some days i'm not sure if it's doubt or pure exhaustion, but still...

3.  my house~why do i let it look as badly as it does?  besides making me look like a bad housewife, i know it's wrong to be so messy and disorganized.  it really does irritate me, but if it can't be perfect, then it has to be perfectly chaotic.  some of you will totally understand that. it doesn't bother me to go to someone else's house and it be a total wreck (or worse...i've seen it), but it drives me crazy about my own!   i can recite several verses that prove to me i need to be neater, but i can't get it to sink in.  i refuse to have people over, die at the thought of someone 'dropping' by, and feel very embarrassed and ashamed... all of which i hate!  if i just got up and DID it, it wouldn't be so cluttered.

those are the top 3 things mentally plaguing me this weekend.

as for not being spiritually up to par... well, that's going to have to wait for another post.  i'm just not up for that at the moment.

plus i haven't heard my daughter for a few minutes... that's NEVER a good thing!!