Strong Enough

**my internet was down so I typed this on word and don't feel like changing the font/colors... so don't read into it looking differently from the other posts. :)

Yesterday was somewhat of a turning point for me.

At least I hope it was.

Mentally, I finally had a revelation, a light bulb moment, one of those thoughts where you go, 'OH DUH!'

My two strongest emotions that rear themselves often is anger and depression.  I guess depression isn't technically an emotion, but more of a combination  as well as results, of emotions (I'm not here to give a professional opinion or definition, I'm just writing to help myself get things figured out).

Most people would say good things never come from anger, but I strongly disagree.  Most of my best ideas, works, determinations have come from my anger.  Most of my anger is directed towards myself until I get to a point where I boil over.  Then I see things differently and can think more clearly.  Some of my best revelations have come from these moments.

Now, add in a few doses of steroids to the mix and WATCH OUT!!  If you've ever seen someone on steroids go into a steroidal rage, you know it isn't pretty.  That's been me the last few days: raw, almost uncontrollable, anger. 

Thankfully it only lasts the first few days it wears off, so hopefully I'm done with that level of anger this time around.

The last few days have been very difficult for me concerning a situation in this house.  Combined with my steroidal (and normal) anger, I have been a nightmare.  Thankfully, I recognize the effects of the steroids and can remind myself this isn't normal and to hang in there before impulsively doing something drastic.  I'm still in Ohio, so it has worked. ;)

After a slight meltdown on Friday evening, the depression started kicking in.  I can handle depression.  As a melancholy soul, I actually function better when I'm a bit down.  Then there was one more flare up of steroidal rage, in which the thought finally came to me:

I've let myself become weak.

I started thinking back 16 years to when I left my home in Michigan and moved to Iowa to go to college.  I couldn't have gotten out of the state fast enough (well, as fast as my little Ford Escort could go anyway). :)  I moved 11 hours away, to a place I'd never been, where I only knew 1 other person on campus, and I LOVED it.  I fell in love with Iowa, but more so with the independence I had. 

I had no need of a job as my 4 years were paid for by my parents.  However, I worked 2-3 jobs at one time the entire 4 years I was there.  I hated sitting around doing nothing, I'm not a hugely social person (ha), and studying was easy for me so I didn't need to spend hours on it.  So I worked, made my own money, bought whatever I wanted, treated friends to whatever they wanted, and still saved 80% of my earnings.  I was in complete control and I loved it.

Before I make it sound like a cakewalk, college was also the hardest 4 years of my life, facing and dealing with many personal issues.  But that has nothing to do with this post. ;)

I moved to Ohio because my fiance was here and still in school.  It was the hardest thing I'd ever done.  I moved 12 hours from Iowa, to a place I'd never been, where I only knew 1 other person in the city, and I HATED it.  I lost every bit of independence I had ever had.

I let everything go.  I mean, I was a teacher at the church I still attend, so I worked, but otherwise I stayed in my apartment and became a hermit.  I didn't decorate the apartment, I rarely even cleaned it, both things I had enjoyed greatly in Iowa. Then 4 months later I got married...

I've been the same the past 12 years.

Well, not EXACTLY the same... I mean, no one stays exactly the same for 12 years.

What I do mean is that I've not gained back that independence... that attitude of I can do anything and everything because I am me.  Thankfully, it does rear it sweet head on occasion, so I know it's still there, it's just stifled by all the other junk in my heart.

Yesterday I realized I'm going to have to find that strong independence I was born with, that I work so well with, that allows my life to be clean, organized, run smoothly and is more enjoyable than staying weak in my circumstances.

At first I became all excited and fired up thinking, YES! I CAN do this!!!

Then I kinda freaked out thinking, WAIT! Can I do this???

Today will be my first attempt at weeding out weakness and finding my strength again.  Facing and dealing instead of ignoring and pretending.  Stepping up to make life what I had thought it would be 16 years ago.

Hopefully today is successful and ignites a spark. 

If not... well, let's just not go there.

Phil. 4:13~I can do all things through Christ Who gives me strength!

the road less traveled

okay, i'll say right now, that the title of this post really has nothing to do with what i'm most likely going to write about.  i more or less have a road in my thoughts (you'll see in my pics), and of course that was the first common poem that popped into my head... ha.

i have a feeling i should put a warning here that i have no idea where this post will go.  it's one of those posts that comes at a time when things are just not so great and i just have to write and puke and vomit to get it all out.  so there you go.

then again, i may back out and this could be the most boring post ever.

and i'm a bit edgy and antsy at the moment, so forgive any grammar and spelling errors.  capitals are thrown out when i feel this way.  rebelliousness perhaps?? :)

does that show my moodiness i've been feeling lately? ;)

things are so very out of control in my life right now and i'm grasping at that rope to just hang on and not let myself fall out of control and into behaviors i know aren't right.

here's a quick summary:

financially... ha.  well, the budget was INCREDIBLE the first 6 days...  well, then the past 2 weeks it's been total chaos.  and i am solely and completely to blame.  but i'll write more on that when i give the monthly update in a few weeks...

my marriage is struggling... and i am mostly solely responsible... (like that?)

my house is out of control.  not my children, but my house itself... not that my children are usually IN control either, but that i can deal with.  the house... the stuff... the 11 years of blah... the clutter accumulated from years and years of depression...  sooooo overwhelming.

mentally... ha.  really?

spiritually... i'm struggling... but that's not a bad thing per se.  i would be more worried if i wasn't struggling because that would mean satan is satisfied with where he has me.  so i'm okay with the struggling.  i do wish i could learn some of the things i seem to continually fail at though.  i'm in the Word daily, i'm working through a Bible study with some sweet friends I have grown to love, and i spend a lot of time in prayer (because i have complete confidence in the power of prayer as well as enjoyment in that personal time with my Father).  i may fail at consistency with devotions, but my prayer life is vital to me.

physically... my back is taking its SLOW sweet time in healing from the two herniated discs.  i am much more mobile now (even though technically i'm not supposed to be AS mobile) but not where i was or where i'd like to be at this time. i go tomorrow morning for another epidural injection (i.e. steroid shot) and i'm hoping this one really does the trick.  *fingers crossed*

.... ha.  see, i had no clue this was how this was going to go...

anyway, back to the roads...  last week i was able to have some 'alone time' while at my in-laws.  the oldest 2 went to vbs with my mil, and since zane is papaw's boy he watched him while i went walking on the country roads... something i grew up doing and LOVE still.

the third and fourth nights i walked, i was very overwhelmed in my heart with different issues... heartbroken, angry, frustrated,... many many negative emotions.  i sulked and whined to my Father while i walked and on that last evening, He brought the road itself to my attention.

hey, He uses what He knows will get our attention.

i walked a road for one mile exactly (one way).  the roads out there are a mixture of sorts.  none of them are paved, yet none are dirt.  they use a 'half paving' method on most of the roads, and a thick gravel on lesser traveled ones.  the road i was walking each day was interesting because it switched on and off between the two types of road for the full mile.

i paid no attention to it the whole week until that last night.  the night i was struggling the most.  which happened to be the night i forgot my tennis shoes and went walking in my flip flops... ;)

the road was easy to walk on for the first half mile.  it was the half paved road that simulated blacktop but wasn't quite blacktop... it was smoothish and except for a rock or two every few feet, i didn't have to even think while walking on it.

then suddenly, it ended.  instead was the beginning of the gravel.  the start of the gravel was sporadic and laid right on top of well packed dirt. it was very hard to walk on because the gravel wasn't very thick and the individual pieces weren't close together.  it was not good for my feet or my back.

the gravel began to be closer together and after 10 feet or so, it became very thick and packed down.  not really smooth, but not as rough as you would think a gravel road would be.  this was easier to walk on than the beginning of the gravel, but it was still not as easy as the pavement.  i tried to stay on it because i was determined to finish my 2 miles, flip flops or not, but it wasn't long before i was off to the side of the road.

the side of the road was mostly dirt with a few stray gravels.  it was flat and didn't shift like the thick gravel.  at times when the gravel came 'out of bounds', i chose to step further off to the side and walk in the tall grass.  i mean, it was easier!

i didn't think much of any of it until i got to the end of the road and stood there, staring back at where i had come.  that's when He begin using the analogy of the rough/easy road to remind me of my life, and of the situation i was dealing with at the moment.

we've most all heard it before... sometimes life is rough, other times it is smooth...  you know, like the road. but the kicker for me was the fact that i had talked with Him the whole way... He was right there beside me the entire time, through the rough, through the smooth, through the times i didn't feel like dealing with it and looked for an easier way out.

there's a difference between our heads and our hearts when the realization of knowing He's always with us hits.

this life that i've become dissatisfied with... this life that i'm very discontent with... this situation that i want to just run from instead of deal with...  this is all in His plan for me.  There are things in this difficulty that He wants me to learn, and wants to use for His glory.

Sometimes I 'know' that... in my head i know that my trials, whether caused by my sin or others' sin, is in His plan and to be used for His glory.

but i have a rebellious heart... i have a selfish, self-focused, heart that wants MY way, wants what I want, and staying on the difficult path is NOT part of my plan.

so the struggle continues between my heart and mind, between what I know is right and what I want, between knowledge and emotion.

but at least i'm still struggling and haven't let go of that rope yet...

i don't want this post to be discouraging to you.  i want it to be encouraging... knowing our Father loves us enough to be right there and to have our best interest at the forefront even if we can't see it.

Oh, How He Loves Us So!


***pics wouldn't upload...  i'll come back and fix it another time***

Homemade Kosher Dill Pickles

I am a pickle lover!

Actually, I am a pickle snob...  yes, I admit it.

I love dill pickles... Kosher dills to be exact. :)

If I could purchase kosher dills on a regular basis, the only brand I would purchase is Claussen... They are the absolute BEST!  great flavor and, the most important thing, great CRUNCH! :)

Flimsy pickles just don't cut it... at all.

I grew up in a Southern family who believed in canning as much as they believed in the Bible.  However, the only pickles I ever remember being made were bread and butter pickles... no thanks.  I've recently started eating them (because my MIL gives us tons she cans every year), but because of this I've never had a desire to make my own pickles.

Then the thought hit me... DUH, make my own dills!  Kosher dills in fact!

It just so happens my inlaws garden has the BEST year of cucumbers this year, and I am on the receiving end of most of that.  So I took my 50 or so cucumbers, and turned them into Kosher dills... I was nervous, wondering about the flavor and of course the crunch, but was VERY excited when they turned out tasting 99% like Claussen's!!

My sister, who is also a pickle snob, came and tested them, and agreed with me!  YAY!

Here's a little photo array of how I made my pickles.  This is not a 'how to', so I take no responsibility if you attempt this just by my photos. ;)  But I do recommend trying it!  SO cheap and SO easy! :)


The best cucumbers to use are 3-5 inches in length, and still have the spiky things on them.  Ignore the bigger ones in the picture... we just ate those as is. :)  Wash cucumber thoroughly.

Cut ends off cucumbers and slice however you want.  I did halves and chips.  

Thank you to my Pampered Chef Mandolin for slicing my cucumbers quickly and ripply. :)

Fill jars with sliced cucumbers.  Leave 1/4 inch space at top.  I used pint jars for most of mine, because that's the most jars I have, but next year would like to do more quarts. :)

I researched Kosher dill seasonings online, and this was the best I found.  Ball's Kosher Dill.  It comes in smaller packages too, but I knew I would be doing a lot.  I actually ran out of it and will have to get another one for the new batch of cucumbers I just got on Saturday!  When I went to get this, I noticed the small jar of 'pickling crunch' beside it.  Now the seasoning itself is supposed to make crunchy pickles, but because I'm a crunchy pickle snob, I went ahead and got the little jar too. :)  It only takes 1/8 tsp per pint, so this should last me a few years! :)

Following the directions on the seasoning, I added water and vinegar and boiled.  Then I poured the hot liquid over the pickles, filling until 1/4 inch from the top of the jar.

Pickles do not need pressure canned, which makes them SO easy!  You can actually do them two ways: water bath or cold pack.  Water bath means submerging them in water and boiling for 5-10 minutes.  they will then seal when cooling down. These last for years! Cold packing means simply sticking them in the fridge.  They only last 3 months (like they're gonna last that long around here), but if you have room, I suggest doing some this way.  I water bathed most of mine, but did stick several in the fridge.  Pickles are ready to eat after 24 hours.  Obviously let them sit longer for a stronger flavor.

So easy, so fun, and SOOOO YUMMY!!! :)

LOOK, it's a post!! :)

quick update on where I've been lately:  a few weeks ago I hurt my back.  One herniated disc and one torn disc have kept me from sitting at the computer long enough to post anything substantial.  Sitting is the most painful position as of late, which stinks...especially since the only computer we have is a desktop.

BUT, I began steroid injections earlier this week, along with SUPER FUN physical therapy (ha), and I can now sit here for at least 10 minutes at a time! :)

Which means I have to type really, really fast... ;)

...or keep the post rather short...

I like the first option. :)

So there's where I've been.  Things have obviously changed quite a bit since my last post, but I'm not gonna catch you up.  Life is life... the good, the bad, the things you just gotta let go of....

BUT I do want to share a bit about our finances (since I tend to whine about them a lot on here).

Yesterday was July 1st.  Every month I attempt to read a Proverbs a day, corresponding with the day (to help me remember both the date and where I left off).  I've been doing this on and off for about 2 years, and I don't think I've made it through an entire month without missing one (or a few).  That's okay...

But I've been doing rather well at keeping up with it the past week or two, so I was excited to get a 'fresh start' yesterday.

Just a side note... it is impossible to read Proverbs and not learn at least one thing from a chapter.

The first few chapters are about wisdom and knowledge.  Seeking it, asking for it, what happens if you don't... Those kinds of things...

Without anything specific in mind, I asked God to give me wisdom for yesterday.  To help me obtain and use His wisdom and knowledge in whatever way I needed it (which technically could cover everything...).

I barely finished my prayer time when He placed in my head the struggle with our finances, the fact that we haven't been keeping and running our written budget in almost a year, and the fact that since it was July 1st, it was the perfect day to set the budget back into place and be determined to follow it.

YAY.  or not...

We are very ignorant when it comes to finances (obviously).  We couldn't even make a budget as of two years ago because we were that clueless!  After receiving financial counseling for a few months back then, we had a written budget.  The year and a few months that we followed the budget was some of the better financial months for us.  No, we didn't end up with more free money (in fact, every month the spreadsheet kept telling us we didn't make enough to cover the bills!).  But somehow we were never behind on bills, never worrying over money, never going in the hole and paying overdraft fees to the bank.

So why did we stop?  Laziness.  Pride.  Busyness.  I don't know exactly, but I'm sure one or all of those played a part.

The past few months kept getting worse (despite a small increase in our income because of my Tastefully Simple business).  Yesterday, God flat out told me that if I would ask for His wisdom with our finances, He would give it to us.

So, I painstakingly set our budget back up (which took a few hours due to having to get up every few minutes).

Let me tell ya, by the time I had completed the budget for July, I did NOT feel any wiser... :P

I had to leave for a while, which was great timing, then went back to pay some bills and see how the budget was actually going to work.

In the middle of 'which do we need to pay first so it's not late' and 'who charges the least amount for a late fee because it will be late' conversations with myself, a light bulb turned on.

I was writing out numbers in crayon (because my pens seem to always disappear, but a crayon can always be found), when I stopped and had an epiphany that only He could give us.  I just sat there, staring at the hodgepodge of forest green numbers.  I was totally blown away...

This is actually going to work.

If I just changed a few things around (which I NEVER would have done before), then we could finally have our first successful financial month in almost a year.

Wow.

I woke up this morning actually excited about our budget and 'working' it this month!  I'm hoping to report back in August to let you know how July went! :)

I don't know why I'm so amazed that He gave me the wisdom I needed when I asked for it.  How little faith I actually have...

^{Proverbs 1:5} let the wise listen and add to their learning, 
   and let the discerning get guidance—

Hearing vs. Listening Part 2

I don't usually do a follow up to a blogpost, but in this case my last post warrants a follow up...

I WISH greatly that my follow up was about the lessons I learned from the not-so-fun incidents I posted about.

However, it's not.

Instead it's a continuance of the week...

Do you get where I'm going?


We all have bad weeks.  Sometimes emotional weeks based on difficult circumstances and sometimes weeks filled with everything and then some going wrong and having to figure out how to fix it ASAP.

I left off with the dryer dying.  I spent the week without it, and only washed diapers and towels, the two things I love to hang outside to dry (and that the sun bleaching them isn't a problem).  Bryan investigated the dryer to see what happened and how to fix it, and inside he found one of the towels with burns on it.  yes... BURNS.  Once again, we realized God's hedge of protection around us.  Here was this super dry towel, in the midst of several other super dry towels, catching on fire, but never actually starting a fire... perhaps because that was the time the dryer killed itself.

Obviously that was the time HE chose to kill the dryer.

The dryer wasn't fixable.  Well, it was, for almost the cost of a new one... neither we had money for.  But in our minds, we were NOT going to fix it... we just didn't trust it anymore... {{can you blame us?}}

Thursday came, and it was the day I needed to bake Ruby's birthday cake for her birthday on Friday.  I turned on the oven, was getting the cake mix ready, and all I could smell was propane gas.  I opened the oven, and saw the pilot light was lighting, but the oven was ice cold.  Yep, the oven died.

I think I just laughed at that point...  I don't quite remember.  I more or less have blocked it from my memory...

I just couldn't do one more thing...


Noah's graduation was that afternoon, and my in-laws came over.  We don't usually share our distresses with them, but my husband mentioned the oven to them and my mother-in-law gave us the money we needed for the repair (we needed to replace a part that cost $60).  We were VERY grateful and even more so that my hubby was able to fix it by that evening.  Her cake turned into a cupcake cake {because they bake faster} and I was okay with that.  Wasn't what I wanted or had planned, but she loved it. :)  {a good reminder that I don't have to be so over the top with everything}.


Friday morning was going to be busy finishing up everything for her party that evening, so bright and early my husband went out to the van to run some quick errands, only to find a flat tire on our van...  and NOT a flat on one of the 2 new tires we bought last month (due to a flat), which would have been repaired/replaced for free.  It was a flat on an old tire...  He put the spare on, investigated the tire to see if we could repair it {{guess what, nope}}, and finally, a bit behind schedule, continued with the day.

The party went well...  The house and the yard weren't completely clean (and some of the house not even close), but everyone seemed to have a good time and the kids had a blast simply playing in the yard together. Ruby was happy, and therefore it was a success. :)

Saturday, Bryan went to work, and I was taking my mom, sis/bil/nephew and kids to the zoo.  We went out to the van and guess what... the spare was flat.

I refused to even think about it and we reloaded into my mom's expedition and spent the day at the zoo.

Sunday, Bryan fixed the spare and went to work.  I took my sis/bil/nephew and kids to cosi for the day, then home to a relaxing evening of grilling, a fire, and making smores.

So far today has been uneventful....  as far as anything breaking down that is...  praying it stays that way as we have to spend the day trying to figure out and fix all of the events of last week.

And since this whole post has basically been a dumping out of a blah week, I will have to follow this up sometime with the lessons we will learn through these things.

We know God is in control, we know His ways are higher, and we know He has a purpose in these hardships.  I'm hoping I just hang in there long enough to listen and learn!

Hearing vs. Listening

I'm having one of those frustrating times in life right now.

Things aren't bad.  In the greater scheme of life, things could be much worse.

It's more or less the point of 'seriously, what ELSE could go wrong!?!'


This past Saturday, I slipped a disc in my lower back.  If you've never done this, then you can't understand the pain.  I have an extremely high pain tolerance, and yet back pain is one of those things that actually get me!  The last time I experienced this level of pain was 6 years ago when I tore my ACL and MCL in my knee.  And I've had 3 kids since then!!

Today is the first day I've found any relief, and that would be thanks to the many drugs my doctor prescribed yesterday. ;) It's still there, but for the first time in 3 days I can actually function (which includes actually sitting at the computer!).

That is where this blog post starts...

My husband finished school on Saturday, and I've yet to see him for more than five minutes.  He worked all weekend (15+ hours per day), then got called into work both yesterday and today.  I am very thankful for his second job, and these extra hours are much needed right now (see previous post), but we had many home projects planned for this week.  We have family coming today, and many others coming on Friday for Ruby's birthday.

Forget house projects... the house isn't even CLEAN, because the kids have been running crazy the last 3 days.  Now that I'm feeling better, they will become my pick up slaves today! hehehe :)

It frustrates me to have my house a mess when someone comes, including family.

Let's keep moving... yesterday we received several bills in the mail... two of which are 'disconnect notices' as well as one 'repo' notice.  Now, we aren't that far behind, but when you've been consistently late, they tend to send those notices out a lot faster than to someone who is only late once or twice...

Did I mention we have no money to pay them at the moment?

Money was spent on my chiropractor visit, as well as my doctor visit and medications.  Normally, I rarely go to the doctor for injuries for myself, but I had to be able to function!

Then last night, my oldest child tripped on our back porch (which was on my list of projects to clean this past weekend and now makes me feel even WORSE because it didn't get done) and tore open his chin.  Off to urgent care for four stitches.  I didn't have the money for the copay, but I wasn't worried about it at the moment because they usually don't ask for it and just bill us.  Of course, last night she asked if we had a copay... I honestly wanted to LIE because I knew I couldn't pay it at that moment.  I hesitated (while she looked at me awkwardly) and then said yes, but they usually bill me.  Her response?  'oh, okay, no problem!'.  Whew...

I made it home by 11 in time to see my hubby for those 5 minutes before I loaded myself on drugs and went to bed.  Before lying down, I transfered a load from the washer to the dryer (that had sat in the washer all day) and turned it on...

Usually I'm up a lot at night, either with a kid, or just the insomnia I suffer from.  However, thanks to my meds, I was OUT.

I got up in time to kiss my hubby off to work, and he said something happened to the dryer last night.  It overheated to the point where it melted several plastic bottles sitting on and near it, and thankfully at some point had shut itself off.  It had gotten so hot, that the casing was still too hot this morning to touch without getting burnt!

My first thought was thankfulness for God's protection.  I used to worry about the dryer, and wouldn't run it at night (back when it was first new... 11 years ago), but as time went on and laundry piled up, I worried less.  Which makes me laugh since we've repaired it twice ourselves in the past 2 years... I should've been worried MORE!!

My second thought was, ARE YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME?!?  I'm obviously behind on laundry since I haven't done anything around here for 3 days, and now that I'm finally feeling better, I can't even DO the laundry.... ARRRGGGG!!!

After my hubby left, I went back to my bed with my coffee, and started talking to God... I mean, I don't get it?!  Before Saturday I was in the Word almost every morning, or at least some point of every day.  My prayer life is wonderful... I LOVE being able to talk with my Father at anytime about anything.

You know... I thought things were good between us!

So why all the trials suddenly?  Why all the discouragement and pain and frustrations?

I almost wanted to say those dreaded three words I hate so much: "It's Not Fair!"


Here I am, doing what is 'right', and I feel like I'm being punished...

Oh, how human my heart still is...

How many times have I been at this point, and I know (well, the first few times I had to learn) that God is in these difficult times and loves me and is teaching me something through all the frustration and discouragement.

This morning, He also revealed to me something else...  Although I had a working relationship with Him before this, I was only hearing Him and not listening to Him...

My oldest child is a sweetheart and incredibly smart, but he also inherited that manly feature of hearing and not listening.  He can hear words coming out of my mouth, but he isn't paying attention to what I'm saying, which means he isn't listening.  The past year or so I've made him repeat instructions to me (which has yet to happen after saying it only once).  I want him to repeat it so I know he was listening and can now respond with the correct action or behavior.

That's where I was at with God this morning.  I've been hearing Him, but not listening to Him.  My response to Him has not been what it should be, because I wasn't paying attention to what He was saying and what He wanted from me.  I was living 'textbook' style... doing what I thought was right and would please Him, without stopping to listen to what He was actually wanting from me.

Trials come, frustrations come, but it isn't always because we're in sin and in need of correcting.  It may 'simply' mean we have only been hearing Him and yet not listening. He uses good and bad things to teach us.  He uses the easy and the difficult to help us on our journey with Him.

I prayed this morning that He would help me both listen and then follow through...

and before you think I'm too holy, I did ask that nothing else goes wrong this week... ;)

oh money, where art thou?

I don't usually touch on the subject of finances on my blog.

Simply for the reason that I'm HORRIBLE at it.  I can't give great advice, encouragement, etc in this area, considering we're drowning in debt with no sign of a life raft...

I got on here today to blog about the misery that is money, and before I write I always check on my buddy blog links to catch up on the world.  What do you know, one of my favorite bloggers posted about this exact same thing.  I could pretty much take her post word for word and paste it here because she's so much better with words than I am. :)

I already warned her that I was linking to her blog, so here it is: Kathy is an amazing blogger and her honesty mixed with her gift of writing makes for some posts that speak right to the heart of many.  I'm thinking I may just override her blog and secretly claim it as mine. ;)  We're oddly very similar, and she writes so much better. ;)

The 'guilt' of money blogging came from a date night with my hubby last night.  We rarely go on dates.  like, rarely.  We always go out on our anniversary, and that's it.  Every other year or so we may get a second date in there... maybe.

Yesterday was possibly a special day for my hubby.  Yes, possibly.  It was his last day of school (which makes it a DEFINITELY special day), but even more than that, it might be his last day at this school forever.

Last night was a celebration of all he's done at this school the past 7 years.  and it's been a rough 7 years.  mentally, physically, and financially, this job has seemed to be a curse more than a blessing for him.  We know God has His reasons and we're thankful for a job for him.

We've felt God leading him away from this job for a few years now, but we haven't had the courage to step out and pursue His leading.

Let's face it...  getting ANY job in this economy is difficult, but for his specifications, it's even harder.  Sometimes an entire school district only has ONE p.e. teacher, unlike the 4 or 5 grade/subject level teachers for EACH school in the district.  Walking away from a job is not easy.

However, we're 99% sure he is done at this school.  (That 1% comes from our lack of desire for change).

We aren't sure what the next step is.

We are sure that we are still in tons of debt (though we've chipped some of it away the past 2 years.. okay, a bit), we are behind on bills again, we had FINALLY made it to step 2 of Dave Ramsey's baby steps (first is to have all bills current, second is to put $1,000 in savings) but have now almost depleted that savings in order to catch back up... and it isn't enough to catch us back up...

Going out last night, even though it was a 'frugal' date (I did what I could to save money on the movie tickets, as well as used gift cards for dinner), I spent the entire night floating back and forth between Jack Sparrow and the feeling guilty about the money we spent going out.

Really?  We were blessed with free babysitting, free dinner, and a few dollars for a movie my hubby loves, and I felt GUILTY.  I finally got my hubby alone for a few hours, for the first time in almost 6 months and I spent most of that time worrying and feeling guilty...  That's just not fair.

YES, we made bad choices in the past, which led to tons and tons of debt.  Neither of us were blessed with parents who taught us anything about money.  We were clueless, young, and dumb, and that led to much,  much debt, with no clue how to get out of it.

It got to a point where we met with one of our pastors 2 years ago for help.  We went in feeling lost and guilty, expecting a harsh tongue lashing from a pastor who is financially smart, but instead, we found compassion, help, encouragement, and hope.  We met with him for a few months, got many things underway, then the last year we've been doing it on our own.

WHICH hasn't been going as well.

No surprise, there.

Accountability is always an amazing motivator. ;)

It doesn't help that the past two years has brought in a salary reduction at my hubby's job.  So much so, the money from the second job, which used to at least keep our bills current, can't even do that.

He got his preliminary contract from the school this week, stating there would be no raise unless they met a certain number of students, and right now they were not at that number.  Even if they meet that number, and do give a raise, it's a very minimal raise that would be negated as the cost of insurance will be going up again in the fall.

We're thinking it's the last push in God's leading to leave the school.  We don't know where He wants us, we don't know anything else.  We have no idea what will be happening in the fall, and whether or not we'll have a main income at all.

But we know He is in control and He is taking care of us.

We celebrated that last night.

We celebrated us.

We celebrated life together.

It was well worth the few dollars and the guilt....