Dear Malachi,
As the upcoming second anniversary of your homegoing approaches, I still find it odd that I am still affected. Not just affected, but highly so...
Anyone would agree that your life here on earth was difficult and painful but even more that it was way too short by our human standards. It's not a surprise that such a sad situation affects many people, so at the time of your death, the anger and hurt and tears I had seemed normal.
However, your life on earth, and your life in heaven have continued to affect me in ways that astound me.
When May rolled around this year, I did my usual early thought planning of my daughter's 4th birthday... and you immediately came to mind. You see, her birthday is May 27th. The day you met our Savior is May 25th. She turned 2, two days after you passed. And on that Saturday, the day of your funeral, as those who loved you dearly said goodbye to you, we celebrated the life of my daughter and her two years we were blessed with her. It was an emotional day for me, happy and thankful for her, yet knowing there were two grieving parents burying their child at the same moment.
I don't know the medical specifics as to why May 25th was the day chosen to remove life support. I know the medical news that was given and those details, but why that specific day is unknown to me. I remind myself that above all, it was the day your Creator planned for you to be with Him far before you were ever created.
Because the day is two days before my daughter's birthday, I now think of you whenever I'm planning her birthday, and I don't doubt for one second that His timing is perfect.
You see, my daughter is my challenge. Not medically challenged in any way or any type of physical challenge that so many have. She is my mental challenge. She is my second child, my first daughter, and she is as strong-willed and stubborn as they come. She is definitely a natural born sinner, and unlike my first child, is unafraid to let it show. She's been a constant challenge to me since the day she came home from the hospital, crying the entire way (and every time she was in the car seat for the first 5 months).
She will be 4 in two days. Only by God's grace has she and I made it together this far. I love her like crazy yet there are times I have to be away from her to sustain my sanity.
But now, at the beginning of the month, when I think of her upcoming birthday, I think of you as well. I don't think that is an accident by any means. This month it has made me take a long, hard look at my relationship with her, how I treat her, respond to her, nurture her and even love her. Being 3 is way worse than being 2, and it was a very, very long year of her being 3. I'm then reminded of what your parents would do if they could have spent your 3rd year with you.
We can't know or understand why God chooses the paths He does for each of us. I don't know why you were only here for 7 months, and 7 difficult months.
uyuuyukcxccxdxxrrffbvfcdkdzxzrrgf (I'm leaving this rambling right here, because as I stepped away from my computer, I told my daughter NOT to touch the computer... God's timing is perfect in everything, right?)
I don't know why I'm allowed to have my daughter, so far for almost 4 complete years. Especially when I struggle with her so much, and often times fail as a mommy to her.
You remind me to love her just as she is, to be thankful I still have her here on earth, to care for her as God wants me to, and to embrace the challenge she is instead of head butt against it... and I'm sure every year, as May comes by, you will continue to teach me something in regards to her.
I think of you throughout the year, but especially in May. God is still using you, Little Man, in many big ways.
You are still loved, you are still missed, even by those of us who never had the privilege to meet you.
Until next year,
♥
<3
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