Diverged

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I first memorized The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost as a freshman in high school. We memorized many poems in Lit class that year, and I loved most of them.  This one has always stuck with me, and whenever a time in my life comes up where big decisions need to be made, the last three lines of the last stanza ALWAYS come to mind.

Whatever decision I make right now will make all the difference in my life.

Interestingly enough, there are only a few of those 'big decisions' that I've ever looked back on and taken time to see the difference.  Reflection never seems to work out well for me, so I choose to not do it. But if I took the time to see what came of my decisions and what possibly could have came from the second choice, I know I could see God's hand leading and guiding.

Once again this poem was in my mind over and over throughout the day yesterday.  I feel like I am at another crossroads.  Or as I'm sure Robert Frost meant, I'm at a fork in the road. One path is well worn by those before me and will most likely be the easier path while the other is covered in a layer of brush and growth and causes the future to be unknown. I look at them both and wonder why it's a difficult decision.  

I especially wonder why it's a difficult decision when I feel as if I've been on the overgrown path for so long. It's not easy in any way to be different in this world. I am a different person than most, I am a Christian in a lost world, I have stayed married to the same man for almost 14 years, we have many children and would like more, I stay at home with our children, and to put the weird cherry on top, I even homeschool. In today's society, I'm on a path that is way far out in space. I've been on the difficult path according to society and the push continues to get me onto the easy path with the rest of the world.

I really could go into an in depth literary analysis of the poem compared to my personal experience and view, but that's not really my point here.  My point is I have a decision to make.

I've been plagued with a lot of negative feelings the past few months towards my life as a whole. I had only shared part of these feelings with my hubby and part with a friend until this past weekend when I shared with a few other close friends while at our ladies' church retreat. These feeling are shameful and hurtful, yet weigh on my heart so much, when in turn makes me feel guilty and makes me want to keep them hidden.

This morning, the poem and conflicting feelings were on my heart first thing. I didn't want to go down the futuristic paths of 'what if', knowing pretty much the way one of them would go. I didn't want to think about it anymore. I didn't want to make a decision, but instead ignore it all like usual (because that always works out, right?). I wanted to close my eyes and bury my head and just forget... just not be at this place in my life anymore.

At God's perfect timing, I received a very unexpected text from an unexpected person saying they were praying for me today. Completely out of the blue from someone who doesn't know my current struggles.

Another perfect example of God's perfect orchestration in my life.

It calmed my heart and mind enough to think more rationally and I began going over things slower and with a more realistic view.

I then saw the poem differently.  

It seems as if there is an 'easy' path and a 'difficult' path; one choice or the other choice. I've already said I feel like I've been on the difficult path my whole life and I would love to jump over to that easier path even for a little bit.

Then a thought struck me: what if I've actually already been on the easy path lately? Despite the many challenges I've been facing, this could still be the easy path. Just because the path is worn and well traveled doesn't make it problem free. There are still wolves and bears, rivers to cross, mountains to climb, and many more people with differing thoughts to encounter.  Easy doesn't mean problem free.

What if I've been on that easy path, when in fact I should be on the difficult one? What if God had presented me with the fork in the road a few months back, and I took the wrong path for whatever reason. Most likely I chose the path out of my own will and desires instead of consulting Him. Perhaps pride made it seem as if I was choosing the 'difficult' path, but in reality I had chosen the easier because I made my problems bigger than they really were.

What if because of this decision, I had caused my own discontentment? All the struggle and fighting and negative feelings I've had were all caused because I chose not to follow the path He chose for me. It may have looked more difficult at that decision making moment, but my choices have caused such heartache that in turn the easier path has become the more difficult one.

Like Robert Frost says, the chances of getting back to those exact crossroads is nearly impossible. I can't go back to that point where I had those two exact roads to choose. 

But now I have two new roads and one big decision.

The choice shouldn't be as difficult as I'm making it...