Just Keep Walking

Last night I had the privilege to be home with only my youngest. My sweet hubby took the older 3 to my son's cub scout meeting in order to give me a little down time (although I'd probably get more down time with the oldest 3 together than #4 alone!). ;)

I SAT on the couch, with NO GUILT. The dishes were caught up, I only had 2 loads of laundry to fold and put away, and the 3 main rooms of the house actually looked good. 

As I sat there, I was restless and so was my toddler. I had no desire to turn on the TV, no desire to sit at the computer, and miraculously, no desire to even play on my phone. BUT WHY?? I actually had the guilt free opportunity to do it, yet didn't want to.

A thought came to me to take my little bit for a walk in the stroller.  I usually keep the stroller in the van, but just so happened to have it in the living room in order to fit something in the van to deliver to someone. 

This began a conversation and battle in my mind, that has made me chuckle several times since then.

The conversation went something like this (all in my head):

        "I really should take her for a walk. I need the exercise and she needs a different view."

        "But I'd have to change my clothes. I would have to find her a hat. I'd have to put the dog away. That's too much to do."

        "It would be good for me though. It would be good for her. I don't have to go far."

        "But what if I run into someone I know? I'm not wanting to feel socially awkward right now."

        "Oh, just go!"

        "Ugh. Okay, but only if I can walk to the corner first and get a bottle of water."

        "Fine. Whatever motivates you to get out of the house, then just do it!"

This went on for about 5-10 minutes, arguing back and forth with myself. I even called myself a liar at one point then snorted at myself for thinking that.

>>and NO, I don't feel crazy for having this conversation. Everyone talks to themselves, even if they don't ever admit it. ;) <<

I DID end up taking her for a walk. Once I was out of the house, I was fine. We walked to the corner gas station, then walked for 45 minutes around the neighborhood. It was the longest walk I'd had in over a year.

That's sad.

Honestly, it was only the 4th or 5th time I'd taken her for a walk ever in her 14 months.  Thankfully my hubby takes the kids for a walk 1-2 times a week without me, or she would never know what a stroller is. 

It's not because I'm lazy. In fact, I LOVE walking. We used to hike and walk for hours at many different parks. My stroller used to know the sidewalks of my neighborhood by heart because we were out there every single day.

It's because I'm paralyzed. Mentally paralyzed with fear of the outside world. It makes no sense to me. Yes, I'm and introvert and shy and awkward, but until this past year and half, I've never experienced paralyzing fear and anxiousness about leaving the house. So much so that I rarely leave the house, even to go on a short walk around my neighborhood. 

This past year I've spent more time in my house than I ever have. I remember weeks at a time in which I didn't even step foot outside my door. 

I don't understand it. 

I'm thankful for the 'fight' I had with myself and that I did convince myself to go last night. I had a great time. It was my perfect weather (super cool), baby loved it, and I felt so much better mentally and physically when I got home.  Maybe this fight is the start of breaking free from whatever has me chained in my home.

Oh, and yes, I did run into someone I know. Our mail lady, who is actually a good friend of mine, was at the gas station chatting since she just finished her route. And you know what? I didn't have a heart attack or mental breakdown, instead I enjoyed talking to her. Imagine that. :)