Pathless

Doesn't seem like it's been a week since my last post.  This last week flew by and was so packed and busy.

I'm sure some of you were probably thinking 'she must be doing great since she hasn't been whining and lamenting on her public blog'. ;)  

Although I did have a better week for the most part, my silence was because of the hecticness of the week.  

Actually, when I'm doing okay, I write.  It's when I'm not doing well at all that I'm silent.  Hence the extreme lack of posts over the past year.

This past week I was able to focus and concentrate more in general. I was able to function well, and better than I have in a while. I had several great days in a row where I felt like a 'normal' 35 year old mom and wife. Usually I feel way behind my peers with no hope to ever catch up.

Because of this clearness of mind, I was able to spend time trying to figure out what is wrong with me.

Don't laugh.

 :)

There has to be something physiologically WRONG with me. There has to be something going on in my brain (or more likely NOT going on in my brain). 

I know I struggle with situational depression. I believe everyone does at some point. It behaves as it sounds: the worse the situation, the worse the depression, and vice versa. When the situation improves, depression improves. Now, it CAN develop into major depression, but still is easier to treat than clinical depression.

I have plenty of reasons, i.e. situations, to be depressed over right now. Thankfully I've learned to run to my Father when this type of discouragement sets in. When I adjust my attitude towards my situation and see it through His eyes, I have no reason to be depressed. He only does what is best for us.

I've been doing some research (one of my nerdy fave things to do!) and have been overwhelmed with the information that is out there. There are so many types and names for depression and causes based on everything from general sadness to brain malfunctions.  It's crazy!

um, no pun intended there. ;)

When I look at my own history, I can pinpoint the lowest times. Those times when I was suicidal and hopeless. In recent years, the hardest times have been after the birth of both of my daughters. After my sons I was the best I've ever felt, but the girls have been incredibly difficult to mentally recover from. It had nothing to do with the child specifically either. Okay, well with my second daughter I'm sure she has been part of it. ;)

When I mentioned this to my doctor, she found it quite odd. I've had a few doctors tell me that it shouldn't make a difference. However, since I'm not a big truster of doctors, I've started researching that aspect.

Which also leads me down the road to hormonal imbalance. This, I believe, is genetically inherited, as I've seen many of my aunts, cousins, second and third cousins (or whatever they're technically called) suffer with similar things. Even concentrating back on my childhood I can see them in my mom as well, who was supposedly the 'happiest' of the bunch.  

In order to find this out, I would have to have a series of blood tests that test the levels of different hormones. 

Yeah, I'm sure our insurance covers that. Ha.

The more I researched, the more I was convinced I have a brain tumor in the part of my brain that controls hormones and mood (hypothalamus).  I wish I was being sarcastic here, but I was tempted at one point last week to beg for a cat scan of my brain.

I'm scrambling and trying to figure out a direction to take or explore before the darkness settles in again.  I'm also tracking recent patterns to see if there's a specific time frame or rotating pattern in which the worst occurs. So far it's too jumbled and inconsistent.

I've come to a point where I do NOT at all want to live this way anymore. I'm tired of it controlling me and causing me to miss so much joy in life. 

For those of you praying, this would be a request from me. Pray God leads me down the path that takes me to complete understanding and healing, and to be willing to step out of my comfort zone and do whatever is necessary.