I've had my next 'writing therapy' rolling around in my head the past few days, slowly taking shape as I continue to work through the issues surrounding my depression and mental incapabilities. Things have smoothed over for the most part and the past week has been mostly good. I've been able to keep my mind under control and this has prevented downward spirals that can happen.
I've commented a few times in the past how 'Christians' and 'happy' are forced together. In the Christian world, if you aren't happy, something is wrong in your spiritual life. I agree with this on some levels. When my spiritual self is starving, the evidence is seen in an increase in sinful behavior, mainly selfishness. Therefore to restore my attitude to a happy one, I need to feed my spiritual self.
However, I also disagree. And this is hard for me to say, because I've always been preached at concerning happy=Jesus and feeling less when I'm not happy.
There is a physiological reason behind our moods. A part of our brain that controls these emotions. Hormones that work for or against us in how we feel. When these things are out of whack, so is how we act and feel and behave. Even though in our minds we know the truth, when it is being attacked on every side by physical reactions, acting on the truth is nearly impossible.
Our pastor got up on Sunday to preach, and one of the first statements he made was this: "How happy you are is a direct reflection of how well you know Christ."
Really, God? I was only toying with the idea of confronting this and here I was going to have to listen to an entire sermon on this, the whole time arguing with my pastor in my head, feeling guilty for disagreeing, and feeling like I must not know Christ at all the way things have been lately.
I will interject here in a huge way by saying I am very thankful for our pastor, and I respect him and the way God uses him in our church. He strives to be the man God wants him to be and relies on God's Word in every aspect of life.
As he continued on, I began taking two sets of notes: notes copied from the giant overhead, and notes flowing out of my brain. I was suddenly listening from a different perspective. I was listening as someone who disagreed.
There is a strong difference in my depression when I'm sinning or sulking over God's plan and depression that wraps itself around my entire being and cannot be changed despite how hard I pray, try or attempt to do what's right.
I can tell the difference in these two depressions: one is controllable, one is not.
If his statement were true, no Christian should ever need medication, just an adjustment in their spiritual lives. However this is not solely what happens. God has afflicted even His children with mental disabilities that require the aid of modern medicine.
Now before you think I'm a pill happy addict who pushes and promotes mood altering drugs, please note, I STILL struggle with the fact that I need medication. It took a lot of time for me to accept it at all, and only after studying it from a scientific standpoint did I start to be okay with it. Okay with it. This is something I'm still working through and sometimes I still have a battle over it with myself.
Even at my darkest moments I can state out loud the truths I know from the Word. The promises He has given me and proven to me before can easily be recited. At those difficult times, stating these truths does not override the physical issues I am having.
Then it started bothering me that this sermon/statement had gotten me so flustered. It was very curious to me, especially since I have a very low offendability index. Maybe it bothers me because I'm tired of being misunderstood. Tired of the legalism that still seems to be hanging on in this area.
I'm even open to the fact that I may be completely wrong. If so, I am willing to work through whatever is necessary and humble myself to complete change if this allows me to be medication free and mentally stable.
Whatever is necessary for me to be complete in Him.
Which means I still have a lot of praying and searching to do regarding this subject, which may be another step closer to healing.
When Pastor said that, I knew you noticed it. I don't disagree with Pastor and I don't disagree with you. This may be an area that you'll have to mentally give people a little grace in, because while your points about some depression being physical issues of chemical imbalance are spot on, that usually isn't the case for the majority, and preaching often contains generalities. A Pastor isn't speaking directly to you from the pulpit (thought it can sometimes feel that way), he's speaking to a room full of people with a vast array of experiences and issues of their own. We're not the same, and yet we need the same lessons from the Bible. So when you hear statements like that, don't take it personally, think to yourself, okay, we're going to talk about the issues I have a responsibility to stay on top of now--the controllable depression--the sin I need to change. You could also approach it from the standpoint, okay, I want to see if Scripture backs up what I'm hearing. Do your own research. What does the Bible say about being happy? How does it relate to this ongoing disease I am struggling with? What can I glean from this? Is this something I should approach pastor about? Etc. I hope I don't sound preachy, b/c we all know I have my own triggers--plenty of eye roll "here we go again" moments, so I am speaking as much to myself as to anyone else. Over the years, getting to know Pastor has helped me see where he's coming from better. He and I are vastly different, like night and day. So I have to be careful not just to interpret him by myself, but to allow him to be an individual too and speak from his own experience. When he made that comment about happiness, he went on to say that when his heart has been burdened with sin, it was those times in his life he was the most unhappy. He's pointing out a valid personal experience that just about everyone can relate to.
ReplyDeletePS: You should totes write a book about YOUR experience. You could be the voice that others need to hear.
I was waiting for someone to bring this up. Thanks... ;) Somewhere in my long post I did say I both agreed and disagreed with him. Everything you said is the reason I agree with him. It is necessary to be generalized and it IS two completely different things. I just kept shoving this thought out of my head in order to let my blahness continue. :)
DeleteThank you for reminding me again though. It's always good to come back to reality. Well, most days.
I would LOVE to write a book. I wanted to write since 6th grade, but gave that up years ago. Around Emma's birthday I was seriously considering writing a book about the difficulties of that year with a high needs baby and ppd. However, I don't even know where to start so i shelved that thought up where my other creative thoughts live. Funny you should bring that up.
Dooooooo it.
Deleteyou really are good at this nagging thing aren't you? ;)
DeleteI take my job as your personal nag specialist very seriously.
DeletePPS: Holy long comment, Batman.
ReplyDelete