Another Fight

Friday was another mentally rough day for me.

The day itself was routine. No obvious reason for me not to have it together.

However, I knew God was trying to get my attention.

And I was fighting. Like my normal stubborn self I was refusing to give in and listen to Him.

It makes no sense. I know He is the only one that can help me through this time. He is the One who created me, who created my brain this way, and although I don't understand why, I need to accept that He has a purpose for the mental struggles I face.

So why wouldn't I just stop fighting and listen?

Friday was a busy day and in the evening I had a table at an open house hosted by several ladies in my church. I had a surprisingly good time (I'm quite awkward in social situations), but my hard heart was weighing me down.

I received a text during the open house that the little baby girl I watch, who was currently in the hospital, wasn't doing well. I left the open house early in order to make it to the hospital before visiting hours were over. I made it with 10 minutes to spare, but the guards had already logged out the workers and refused to let me in.

I left the hospital very angry, determined NOT to go home and was having a wonderful conversation with God about how I was sick of this whole mental issue and why couldn't I be normal and telling Him I was done and that I couldn't and wouldn't do it anymore.

Then the song that's been stuck in my head for a week came on. "Lord, I need you".

so. not. funny.

Yet so like my God Who loves me beyond what I can fathom.

I knew He was giving me an out to my current choice. It was a gentle but obvious way of bringing my thinking back to reality, to where it needed to be... on Him.

I knew my next decision was an important one. I wanted to do something I knew was wrong.

I whispered to Him, "I just can't go home."

When I said that, I completely expected the wrath of God to come down and eliminate me at that moment. Here He had shown me His love, showed me He was right there, showed me I didn't HAVE to sin, and I responded to Him with an 'Okay, BUT..."

It was the honesty of my heart coming out. At that moment, I could not go home.

Maybe that was for the best too.  With the way I was acting, I certainly didn't need to be around my sweet kiddos during loud, chaotic bedtime. It wouldn't have been a good thing. I've become a short tempered yeller this past year, and I HATE it.

Instead of feeling condemned for my out loud confession, I felt as if God was telling me it was okay. It was okay to not want to go home at that moment. But I DID need to do something that wasn't going to cause me to sin.

There really is only one friend I would call during a time like that and I knew she was unavailable at that time. My friendships are few and close friendships are fewer. That's another post for another time.

So I took a leap and reached out to one of those few close friends. Our friendship was made a little stronger the weekend before at our church retreat and I knew she wouldn't preach at me.

It meant I also had to make a phone call, which is NOT an easy thing for me, even to a friend. She answered and I tripped over my words trying to explain without giving details and sounding quite dumb I'm sure. She invited me over because she was unable to leave and I went, simply because I knew this was my way out of my current thought process.

There was no judging, no questions really, and we had coffee and good conversation. A few hours later, when my heart was settled and I was too tired to think, I left.

He had given me an out. He had given me this friend. He had protected me.  Despite my whiny, bratty, ungrateful self, He showed His love to me again by preventing me from sinning far more than I already had.

I've been quiet in my heart and mind since Friday.  I've been more open to listening to Him and my fight level has dropped. I need to spend time with Him, paper, and pencil and start working through what is keeping me from currently living for Him.