The Importance of Accountability

Accountability has always been an important word in my life.

It's also a word I greatly dislike.

For decades, I've had people keeping me accountable for different things, sometimes by choice, other times not by choice. Every single time I squirm and fuss and fight and whine, because there's just something about accountability that irritates me.

I finally figured out what it is...

The definition of accountability is "an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions."

When I'm accountable, it means I'm responsible for my actions. That's not what bothers me. 

Take it one step further, and when I constantly fail at being accountable to myself, then it's common to ask someone else to help by holding me accountable. 

If *I* can't do it, then I have to depend on someone else.

I have a strongly independent personality. I will often say that I don't need people. I'm the oldest, was an only child for 8 years, I'm very stubborn and strong-willed, and I learned early on that other people only hurt me not help me. So I don't need people.

Yes, I know, it's a complete lie.

God didn't make us to be alone. He created us with the desire to have relationships with others. Saying I don't need those relationships goes against my inner most being. No matter how much I try and fight it. When I do fight it and become a hermit, pulling away from society and even my hubby and kids, life turns miserable. Sometimes I do it by choice, other times it comes with the territory of depression. Either way, it isn't healthy at all.

Now, let me interject here to say I don't think this way for other people. I never want people to pull away and be alone, no matter what their reasoning. I will push and push my way in until I'm sure that person is okay. I don't have to be the friend they choose to be close to, but as long as they have someone and not living in seclusion, then I will back off. Because it's something I know we were made for, I want to make sure others have relationships. They deserve friendships no matter how they are feeling or what they may think.

After this past year and a half of severe depression, finally coming to terms with it and having a desire to claw my way out, I've realized that I can't do it alone. I have to have people in my life who can keep me accountable in different areas. I know I'm too weak and in the healing process, and I have to let go of the stubbornness and have others help me.

Even if I don't like it.

Deep down I know that even if I don't like the circumstances surrounding accountability, I do like the friendship.

Accountability also works well for me because I don't like being a failure to someone else. Failing myself is one thing, failing others is a BIG deal and NOT acceptable to me at all. 

I've let go of my stubbornness and pride and finally asked for accountability from a few I knew would be willing to help me. I've asked for accountability for memorizing Scripture, for getting housework done, for not allowing the depression that has come back full force over the weekend to swallow me again.

I have to accept that my mind isn't strong enough right now to fight on my own. If I want to be victorious in the battle with depression and learn to enjoy and love life, then I have to accept help from others. Because I'm so good at hiding, it also means I have to step out and ask for that help. 

I have to remember, I won't be in this place forever. There will be times I won't need the accountability, but I need to remember, I will always need the people...

...because we were created for relationships...