Normal

I've had a few blog posts rolling around in my head the past week, but I've been enjoying some resemblance of normalcy around here with a hubby working less, big projects getting attention, and family time a priority (since it's rarely all 6 of us anymore).

I also should be doing dishes and folding laundry right now, but that will be here forever and the words in my head won't.

Now the challenge is deciding which thought pattern to follow, so this could be an interesting post full of ramblings and sudden changes in direction.

The depression I've been dealing with and fighting, especially over this past year, has started to ease up.  I'm having equal days of good and bad, instead of mostly bad. I can now also pinpoint when the depression is going to hit harder and am able to take steps to keep it from getting as bad as it could.

The problem now lies in my heart more than my head.  I've been fighting a lot of rebelliousness this past week, and although I know when I'm headed downhill, I often refuse to take the necessary steps to prevent it and instead choose to do stupid, impulsive things.

Some days I wonder if I will ever get it.

Some days I wonder if I'll ever be normal.

I know, 'normal' has a wide spectrum in it's definition, but I often feel I'm not even close.

I get really irritated and frustrated with myself when I see myself responding with rebelliousness.  But now, as I take a step away from it all to write out my thoughts, I can easily see a pattern in my life.

In the hardest times of my life, despite how I felt, I knew God was there and in control. As I waded through the bad, hanging on to the last thread in the rope, I knew it would be okay and that this was somehow for my good. This was perfecting me and making me more like Christ. Whatever the situation was, it was going to be used for His glory.

As the situations would improve, and the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel began shining, instead of being thankful He had pulled me through and excited about the outcome and 'ease of life' that was coming, I would get angry. My anger would always turn into rebelliousness, which although a sin in itself, would lead to a blatant sin of some sort, which would then turn into needing disciplined and corrected until I was finally broken.

Really?

It makes no sense at all why I would bring that on myself every single time. Every time I had been victorious in a trial, I followed it up by sin and brokenness. My attitude just doesn't fit with the victory I was given.

Every time I was able to climb out of the valley and up the mountain to a beautiful view, I chose to climb into the deep, dark crevices off to the sides of the mountain and stay and fight until I was dragged out.

I think it is deep-seated in the mindset that I don't feel as if I deserve the goodness that comes with being victorious in a trial.  I do everything I can to sabotage the goodness right before I reach it.

It makes no sense.

[[and yes, I know technically I don't deserve anything good, and that it's by God's grace alone I'm allowed to experience the good]]

This time around, I've taken the time to see this pattern and know what's coming, and I'm wondering if my choices will be different.