Weightless

I went to sleep last night with a heavy heart.  Despite spending a lot of time in prayer that evening, both for myself and others, I felt distant from my Father.  I had angry tears in my eyes as I tried to close them and go to sleep.

The dance with my bad memories had lasted longer than expected.

I thought I was free from their grip. I had claimed freedom! I had tasted freedom... yet my heart ached.

Getting to the point of freedom years ago was a very difficult road. If I wasn't free, then I was lost as to what to do.

I fell asleep asking God to show me what else I needed to do because I wanted victory in this once and for all.

While up during the night, dealing with my babies and walking deliriously through my kitchen, my eyes fell on these words I had stuck on my fridge earlier in the day:

YOU ARE ALREADY FREE.

My usual response to God at that moment would to be sarcastic. Being too tired to think, I simply read it again and walked away.

When I got up this morning (for the final time... ha), something was different. I went about the start of my normal routine and I kept coming back to the fact that I was feeling different physically. While making my lovely cup of coffee, I realized my chest felt lighter. My first thought was, "that's totally weird," then it hit me: the weight is gone.

Now, if you know me in real life, you know I'm quite overweight and definitely have some weight to lose. However, and slightly to my dismay, it wasn't that kind of weight.

My heart wasn't being crushed by a heaviness anymore.

It stopped me and I then slowly transferred that to my mind (mornings aren't my thing).

The hurt was gone. I actually had to think through the list of things that had been weighing on me lately until I finally realized those bad memories and all the hurt associated with them had been removed from my mental filing cabinet of things needing dealt with. I took a deep breath and allowed my mind to look at that file and those memories and sure enough, they were distant now and unable to bring me pain.

I took a deep breath, hoping my realization was true and I saw again on my fridge these words:

YOU ARE ALREADY FREE.

I had been free from them before, but allowed my humanness to focus on the fear, worry and distrust instead of focusing on my Father Who had already set me free. Somewhere in the night, in my tired, vulnerable state, I had accepted His word as truth and freedom reigned.

Those memories were now weightless. Never would I have to dance in fear with them again.

John 8:36~"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."