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It's been a few days.

The day of my last post was a very, very bad day for me mentally.

I wasn't myself. I said several times that day, 'this isn't the real me.'

Days like that are scary, confusing and humbling. It's a reminder that there is something really wrong with me and because of that there are times when I'm not in control.

God put the perfect people in the perfect places and times throughout that day in order for them to help carry me through. That's the only reason I made it.

The next day was a dark day, swinging from the anxious, impulsive, self-destructive, angry person on Thursday to the melancholy, hopeless, stay on the couch all day person on Friday. God, in His perfect plan, took care of me again on that day.

The few days after that were just up and down, but to neither extreme. Finally, on Sunday evening I felt as if I was starting to level out.

I have no doubt this was caused by missing medication as well as starting a higher dose of medication. It's as if the medicine had to find my 'normal' and in doing so took me from one extreme to another.

I've sat down a few times to write in more detail about my meds, but it's not a subject I like to talk about. Maybe I'll eventually convince myself to do that. However, the end point is that I am thankful for them.

This week has been a bit strange as well. The higher dose has definitely taken away a lot of my normal reserves. I'm more outgoing, not anxious around people (or the idea of being around people), and definitely happier. It's been a feeling I haven't had for a long time. I'm also thinking quite clear, which is so wonderful after having such a fuzzy mind for so many months.

I wish I could say I was great and super and fixed! Not so.  The clearer thinking has showed me exactly where I'm failing, when I'm not thinking how I should, and the worst part is being aware of who I am and how I've been while staying under a cloud of not being able to change.

All of this just in time for the holidays. Yay.

Holidays and I don't mesh well. Thankfully, since having kids, Christmas has once again been joyful. We may not be able to buy and spoil and shower them with tons of gifts, but we make memories, new traditions, and enjoy being together as a family.

Thanksgiving I can do without. Well, the holiday, not actual thanksgiving. Ha. The last few years have just been... eh. This year... yep, let's just say I can do without it.

Maybe the blessing in disguise is that I am now on a higher dose of medicine just in time for the holidays. :) God's timing is perfect, right? :)

I don't like this post. I've been sitting here debating on posting or deleting. I didn't mean for it to be as negative as it is. At the same time, I don't care. I don't write for anyone but myself. I somehow have to figure out how to be a wife and mom while working through depression and whatever else may be mentally wrong (said half jokingly).  I'm leaving it, if for any reason, I can look back and pinpoint a pattern or whatever else that could help me someday.

Or I can use it when I finally get around to writing that book...