Timing

The past few days I've been working on writing out some difficult things. Because it's always crazy around here, making the time to write is tricky.

I didn't want to write in the morning, because I didn't want it to affect my entire day.

I didn't want to write at night because I didn't want to cause me not to sleep or to have bad dreams.

Any time between that is filled with crazy children, chores that are always behind, and a tired momma pulled into many directions.

Today I realized, that although each of these excuses have valid reasons, they are still just excuses. Reasons I give myself to walk away and not face the difficulty, which means I'm missing the blessing and growth in Christ that can come from having victory here.

Sometimes, timing is everything, and other times, timing is just an excuse.

Details

It never fails to fascinate me and put me in awe whenever I can see God working in the little things.

Yeah, He works in the big things, but we tend to notice those, especially if His working isn't what we would initially want.

In our crazy, busy, self-consumed world, we easily overlook the little things, which if we think about it, all those little things add up to the big things.

This past year I really wanted to focus on the little things. I needed to stop and take the time to see God in my everyday, all day, normal (is there such a thing as a mom??) routines and seemingly unimportant daily tasks and lists so that I could be reminded that where He has me, right here, at this exact place and time in my life, is exactly where He wants me.

I admit I don't focus on it enough. If I would, I wouldn't still struggle with so much discontentment.

That's another post for another day. ;)

Because my life is filled of little things pertaining mostly to little people (and if I want to be funny, my little house itself), I don't take time to see God in the little ways that He is changing and growing me to be more like Christ.

On the negative side, if He is trying to correct a wrong behavior or sin in my life, and I continually ignore the little promptings and encouragements, then He will bring the bigger changes in order to prevent me from falling further away.  Been there, done that, more than once (or twice), and if I was smart, wouldn't go there again. Consequences of my selfish, stubborn self that are not fun at all.

On the positive side, those little details He is in, is to show me how much He loves me. It's that simple. He only does what is best for me, and can only do good. As I've gotten better at noticing His hand in the little details, I've learned to immediately respond with 'Oh, how He loves us so!' It's from a song that touched (and continues to touch) my life deeply in regards to difficult circumstances I have faced.  The love He has for me has overwhelmed and consumed me and when I see it, I can only declare His unconditional love for me that I don't deserve in the least.

After writing my post yesterday, I was overwhelmed and hurt and fighting and frustrated that I was once again dealing with an issue I had taken care of.

You can't comment, 'well, maybe you didn't really take care of it,' because trust me, Jesus and I had an all out face to face meeting once upon a time and it was dealt with.

One thing I'm learning however, is that when an issue involves so much hurt, pain and details, even though the main part has been dealt with, there are a lot of leftover tentacles that can survive on their own and wreak havoc in their own way.  Sometimes they aren't even recognizable until other tentacles and obstacles are removed.

Kind of like a multi-layered dessert.  But not pretty or delicious.

Sorry, Christmas baking on my mind...

Where was I?

After my frustration yesterday morning (that had been coming to a head for a few weeks), God reminded me that this isn't one of those cut and dried issues. It's not something that can be taken care of with one fell swoop because it's a situation that developed over time and grew many nasty tentacles that caused their own damage.

When I initially took care of the main issue, that was the focus God wanted me to have. That was the big hurt that needed dealt with at that time and He was there and gave me everything I needed in order to face it and have victory.

Because He loves me, He didn't immediately start throwing all those tentacles at me to deal with. He gave me time to heal, time to process, time to grow more like Christ, and when the timing was perfect, He brought on one of those smaller layers to be dealt with.  He knew I would have to revisit the main issue, but since it had been taken care of, the wound was just a scar, with no chance of opening back up and causing pain. I could reach into what I learned from that and use it to help me fight the smaller issue without worrying about the sting it could cause again. Scars have no feeling themselves, just mental reminders and evidence of a wound healed.

I don't need to be frustrated that I'm dealing with this 'yet again,' because actually, I'm not.  I'm dealing with this part that came from that main issue, that has never been dealt with and needs to be so that I can grow to be more like Christ.

It isn't fun. It isn't easy. and Yes, I'd rather cut off my pinky toe with a spoon.  My tendencies to run away from difficult things (even physically run away), kicked into hyperdrive yesterday when I realized that right now is when He wants me to face and deal with this specific detail.

In my Bible study this morning, she had us go back and review a few specific things we had done two days ago.  We had had to write down three to five emotions that characterize our first experience when faced with conflict or stressful situations. One of mine was 'run away'.

Trust me, how I haven't ran away already is by God alone. I'm a runner... it's what I do. Well, not an athletic runner like has become so popular recently, otherwise I wouldn't be so overweight. ;)

Anyway, we then had to take those emotions and write down steps we can take to redirect those thoughts and emotions. When I got to 'run away' this is what I put down:

"God Himself brought me here and He doesn't want me to run away. Instead He wants me to stay and learn and grow in Him."

This was the day before He tore open my Christmas issues.

Not fair, God. Not funny either. He made sure I put a blocker in place of running away before He decided to help me work on Christmas.

I didn't know that was His plan at the time I wrote that, or trust me, I would've definitely given myself the out to run away. He knew that. And in His loving way, He was preparing me for the change and work He was going to do in me in order to help me grow to be more like His Son.

Oh, how He loves us so!

I wish I could end this with a declaration of how I spent yesterday working through and resolving this tentacle that has stung me for so many Christmas times, but I can't.

And that's okay.

God doesn't live in our 24 hour time periods. He doesn't set limits on time when it comes to growth. My human self wants to say I dealt with it in one day, or have the expectation that it was done in one day, but that isn't how God's timing works. He does a little here, a little there and makes sure along the way that it is really dealt with and healed and turning into a scar.

I can say I started dealing with it. I can say it was incredibly difficult... far more so than I thought it would be. I can say that today I woke up with the mental strength to continue, after reaching a point of mental exhaustion yesterday.

God is interested in my growth and permanent change, not in how quickly or slowly it gets done. It just needs to get done.

Today I wait for His prompting and timing and see where He takes me today in regards to this difficulty. He's in the details, because He loves me, and I just need to look for Him and follow His leading.

Seeking Peace

I'm sitting here typing this early in the morning, while it is still dark out. My lights in the house are out and the only lights on are the twinkling colored lights on our oversized Christmas tree.

It's my favorite thing of the Christmas season... lights.  I love lights on houses, lights on trees, colored lights, white lights, old fashioned lights, LED lights... even the houses that look like their toddlers put on their Christmas lights catch my attention, though my thoughts are slightly different when I look at those.

I absolutely love sitting in a dark room with a lit tree. There's something about it that brings me peace at a time of year that I struggle with the most.

I used to have one of those perfectly decorated, themed, beautiful trees. The tree was my favorite part of Christmas, so it had to be perfect.  This year, the tree is anything but...  and I still love it.

Okay, I don't exactly love it... yet... it's growing on me.

I let the kids do whatever they wanted with it this year... within reason. ;)  we didn't have a lot of ornaments, so we sat for a few hours (on and off) and made a paper chain. i didn't have Christmas colored paper, so instead, our chain is a beautiful mix of pinks, turquoises, oranges and a few other miscellaneous colors. At first, I hated it, simply because it wasn't 'Christmasy,' but it's growing on me.  The one dozen red and silver ornaments I did have, hang in a bunch on one side of the tree.  Randomly scattered is a half dozen of homemade kid ornaments they did in the past, which somehow survived the year in storage. And I can't forget the scattered lot of beanie babies perched on limbs, nesting near the center of the tree, or peering out from their hidden landscape of forest green.

Besides the lights, I do have my other favorite part up there: our family ornament. Every year since the year before Noah was born, we've gotten an ornament with our names and year written on it. It's very popular, but for me it's not the popularity I care about, it's the personalization.  This was us for that year. And every other year for the past seven years, our ornament has had a pregnant momma on there, announcing our newest blessing to come. This year is one of those years for a 'pregnant' ornament, but that tradition is broken.  No new baby coming our way next summer, like several are expecting to hear. (Although, the news became a 'cheap, easy gift' for grandparents that saved us money and shopping time...) ;)  It makes me sad, but it's okay.

Christmas is a very hard time of year for me and has been most of my life. Having kids has really changed that, because the focus became them and not me. As time goes on, old wounds continue to fade and the growing excitement of children allow me to not only tolerate this season, but to enjoy it. Although I still struggled slightly in the back of my mind, God allowed it to be covered and protected my heart.

This year, like always, I dreaded this season, but held on to the hope that once again my children and their joy would distract me. Things were going really well until one day last week and I was completely blindsided with hurt, pain, memories and torn open wounds.  I fell hard.

The thing that bothers me the most, isn't that it still bothers me (though that is very irritating and frustrating!). It's the fact that I don't think it's fair (ha) that it still bothers and affects me so deeply after I've dealt with it.  It was taken care of years ago, yet there are two separate times a year it still bothers me, with Christmas being the number one difficulty. My chest is heavy, my mind is distracted, my heart is aching, yet I'm at a loss as to what is really going on. Prayer and verses stay near because I know that's the first and most important thing.

I get the feeling there's something I'm supposed to learn that I've missed before and if I focus on my Father and keep my heart protected, He will teach me something amazing. I need to stop fearing and hating this season and instead listen and grow and use it for His glory.

And while I'm waiting, I'll continue to enjoy the peacefulness of the lights on the tree and the excited giggles of my littles waiting for Christmas morning...

AWOL

I've been without a computer for 12 days.

Twelve LONG days.

A lot has happened in those twelve days; some blog worthy, most not.

I've learned a few more things about myself.

I've learned a few more things about my depression.

It will definitely be good for me to get back to writing on here.

Maybe starting tomorrow....