2 years later

Dear Malachi,
As the upcoming second anniversary of your homegoing approaches, I still find it odd that I am still affected. Not just affected, but highly so...

Anyone would agree that your life here on earth was difficult and painful but even more that it was way too short by our human standards.  It's not a surprise that such a sad situation affects many people, so at the time of your death, the anger and hurt and tears I had seemed normal.

However, your life on earth, and your life in heaven have continued to affect me in ways that astound me.

When May rolled around this year, I did my usual early thought planning of my daughter's 4th birthday... and you immediately came to mind.  You see, her birthday is May 27th. The day you met our Savior is May 25th.  She turned 2, two days after you passed. And on that Saturday, the day of your funeral, as those who loved you dearly said goodbye to you, we celebrated the life of my daughter and her two years we were blessed with her.  It was an emotional day for me, happy and thankful for her, yet knowing there were two grieving parents burying their child at the same moment.

I don't know the medical specifics as to why May 25th was the day chosen to remove life support.  I know the medical news that was given and those details, but why that specific day is unknown to me.  I remind myself that above all, it was the day your Creator planned for you to be with Him far before you were ever created.

Because the day is two days before my daughter's birthday, I now think of you whenever I'm planning her birthday, and I don't doubt for one second that His timing is perfect.

You see, my daughter is my challenge.  Not medically challenged in any way or any type of physical challenge that so many have.  She is my mental challenge.  She is my second child, my first daughter, and she is as strong-willed and stubborn as they come.  She is definitely a natural born sinner, and unlike my first child, is unafraid to let it show.  She's been a constant challenge to me since the day she came home from the hospital, crying the entire way (and every time she was in the car seat for the first 5 months).

She will be 4 in two days. Only by God's grace has she and I made it together this far.  I love her like crazy yet there are times I have to be away from her to sustain my sanity.

But now, at the beginning of the month, when I think of her upcoming birthday, I think of you as well.  I don't think that is an accident by any means.  This month it has made me take a long, hard look at my relationship with her, how I treat her, respond to her, nurture her and even love her.  Being 3 is way worse than being 2, and it was a very, very long year of her being 3.  I'm then reminded of what your parents would do if they could have spent your 3rd year with you.

We can't know or understand why God chooses the paths He does for each of us.  I don't know why you were only here for 7 months, and 7 difficult months.

uyuuyukcxccxdxxrrffbvfcdkdzxzrrgf  (I'm leaving this rambling right here, because as I stepped away from my computer, I told my daughter NOT to touch the computer... God's timing is perfect in everything, right?)

I don't know why I'm allowed to have my daughter, so far for almost 4 complete years.  Especially when I struggle with her so much, and often times fail as a mommy to her.

You remind me to love her just as she is, to be thankful I still have her here on earth, to care for her as God wants me to, and to embrace the challenge she is instead of head butt against it... and I'm sure every year, as May comes by, you will continue to teach me something in regards to her.

I think of you throughout the year, but especially in May. God is still using you, Little Man, in many big ways.

You are still loved, you are still missed, even by those of us who never had the privilege to meet you.

Until next year,
♥

wait

I have absolutely nothing in my mind or on my agenda to blog about.  I just feel like writing.

This should be an interesting post. ;)

it's currently saturday night.  kids are bathed and having their bedtime snack while watching a bedtime show.  saturday nights i usually skip the snuggling unless requested.  1/7 days isn't going to turn them into serial killers.

i've spent the last little bit searching for teaching openings for my hubby.  I have more time than he does, so I do most of the searching, then he does the applying.  so far, it's not going well.  as the end of the school year draws nigh, our stress levels increase.  yes, school doesn't start til august, but as a family of almost 6, it would be nice to know something before then.

the frustrating thing to me is how much we have spent in prayer this year concerning this subject.  more than any other year (we're going on 8 years, 5 of which have been 'serious' about searching).  God seems to be answering both of us with a 'wait' and both of us have just about had it.

don't get me wrong.. we aren't mad at God for having us wait.  It's just frustrating to not have a single clue about the direction we should be going.  we're both tired of floundering in life, in ministry, and in our family.

yes, we've considered the fact that THIS is where God wants us. (I know you were thinking it).  BUT if this is the LOCATION He wants us, then why is He not opening a job here?

no, I don't think God wants us to stay at this school.  Bryan's salary is made to support a family of 3.  Once you move up to 4, you are in federal poverty levels.  Without his other jobs we would not make it, AND we're barely surviving on what his extra jobs add in.  He's gone most of the time.  His kids think he lives at work and visits us.  They crave him and miss him, and I hope I don't have to say I do too.  I miss him on many levels.

I don't think God wants us to continue to live like this, with him having only 30 minutes a day of interaction with us.  And when his school announced this week there would be no raises AGAIN this coming school year, we both expressed to each other how we couldn't continue this.

Waiting stinks.  We don't really have a choice either.  It's not like we're going to jump on the first job offered just because it's the only one...  umm... well, we might.  I told you we were at our wits ends.  Anything offered would be covered in prayer on our behalf, and part of those prayers would be for us to set our frustrations and desires aside in order to know God's clear path.

I'll admit, even the thought of a job offer makes my heart skip a beat.  I need to start praying the first one offered IS the one He wants us to have!! ;)

until then, living in a state of unknown will continue to be our daily routine.  i'm hoping we don't lose ourselves while waiting...  pray, pray, pray!

praying.  and waiting.

May 10 on 10

My morning was spent with my head down trying to get rid of some nasty dizziness! So we'll start with late morning pics. ;)

Ruby's early 4th birthday present!  Scored super cheap on CL. :)  She's very excited since her brothers have 3 BOY ones, that she finally has a GIRL one! ;)

 Fun with colors at lunch.  Hey, I have to keep myself entertained somehow! :)

first attempt at homemade dough in YEARS. i was never good at it and was not wanting to get back into it and make huge messes since there's enough around here. however, i found a super easy, super forgiving recipe that is yummy! :)

First time since owning this for 2 years that I've used my dough hook!  I was nerdily excited! ;)

24 homemade hot pockets for bryan's lunch, all done and frozen! :)

Worked out some early evening frustrations on our garden boxes.  Yes, those are all weeds.  Today they are gone. :) 

Thursday and Friday's menus got flipped since I forgot to turn ON the crock pot. ;)

We had a late night after spending time with our friends at a fun jewelry party. :) They rarely fall asleep in the living room! Excuse the mess.  We live here. 

After carrying everyone to bed (ugh) I retreated to my room to find laundry I'd forgotten to fold.  yay.

Worked on memorizing the book of James.  I'm almost done with the entire first chapter!  woohoo!  Now to keep going....

His new bedtime routine consists of getting up about 30 minutes AFTER he's in bed and hanging out with mommy while I do late night chores. Then around 1130 he's ready to go back to his bed.  I don't mind.  I mean, how cute is this kid?? ;)

JOIN US!!! check out some more 10 on 10 on the side of my blog, AND head to the originator of 10 on 10 for more links to great pics! :)