Change

It's been a while.

A lot has changed in the past few months.  Sometimes life goes through periods of time when not much exciting happens, and other times there's so much change it's hard to keep up with life.

The past few months there has been drastic changes in many areas of my life.  Physically, I'm pregnant again with #5.  LOVE the thought of another little one entering our family.  However, pregnancy isn't all fun and games for me, and the blahness, sickness, exhaustedness, especially during the first trimester just makes time disappear and it all blurs together.  Mentally, I've hit some great highs and some horrible lows, which during pregnancy can sometimes happen in the same day. :P  I'm just recently feeling like I'm not living in the depths of despair and starting to get my life put back together. Spiritually, I've turned my back on God, chose to live in sin, ignored the truth, finally let the truth get through and am slowly working to turn it all around.

Then of course there's just life itself.  Hubby trying desperately to find a new school that will actually pay him enough for us to just survive, always bills left unpaid, no idea as to how we'll make it in the fall if he is at the same school, him working 3 jobs which takes him away from us and still isn't enough to cover all the monthly bills....  all while trying not to worry since that doesn't help at all.  Thankfully, neither of us are worriers, but watching reality does make us concerned.

I'm thankful we just keep at it.  Even on the days I tend to try and ignore life, God is there to encourage me in some way.

I look back on the past 5 months and realize how much has changed. Instead of being disappointed that many of the changes were negative, those that were positive give me hope that the right kind of change can happen.  My heart, my mind, my all, needs to be focused on Him. When I'm living my life for Christ, the positive changes can explode in ways I could never imagine.

This is what I'm hoping my choices lead to over the next few months.

Comfort Zone

I claim to be a pretty tough cookie.

Nothing scares me, nothing bothers me (bothers, not irritates.... plenty of things irritate me ;), my emotions rarely shift and when they do it isn't far on the spectrum.

Let me add in here, that's on a normal day.  On the day my dysfunctioning brain and meds don't get along, I can be an emotionally out of control mess.  Those are the days I'm not really me. That's  not what I'm talking about here.

I learned at a young age to harden my emotions. To keep them out of life was necessary in order to survive the abuse I was enduring.  I kept them hardened, hidden, reigned in, and although it helped me then, it has only hurt me since.

Relationships are emotional.  In order to have a deep friendship, there has to be an emotional give and take on the part of both involved.  It took many, many years to let even my husband break that emotional barrier with me.  There are still days my coldness comes out, but he has learned to be patient with me, and when necessary, reprimand my coldness and chip away at my wall.

However, I live with him. He sees me all the time, in many situations, and is my closest friend in the world.  God did that on purpose.  He knew I would need my hubby and his exact personality to start tearing down those emotional walls. As God pushed me into friendships over the years, the emotions I faced 'coincidentally' seemed to be ones my hubby had just started chipping away at.  This allowed me to develop some deeper friendships, but my walls were still there.

Over the past few months and a lot of changes that happened over the past couple of years, God decided to put me out of my comfort zone by pushing me towards people again.  He made me realize I did need people, no matter how much I tried convincing myself I didn't.

After a lot of wrestling with Him (which is a total waste of time and heartache, so I do NOT recommend it), I got up the courage to ask a long time, base level friend for help in an area that I was being swallowed up in.  It was beyond my comfort zone and very difficult, but I knew I couldn't do it without another human pushing me and keeping me accountable. It was (ok, still is) nerve wracking, embarrassing, stretching, and flat out not fun. Her response to me was far better than I expected, we were very similar in personality, and a friendship began growing and deepening, tearing down some of those emotional walls. I am so thankful for her and for how God has used her in my life.

Then God turned the tables and instead of me needing help and support, it was my turn to offer it.  I love helping others.  Absolutely LOVE. I have no doubt that He made me an encourager, a helper, someone who will sacrifice anything for the good of another. I've been that helper before to others, in several harder situations, and it's just something my heart enjoys doing. He brought another base level friend to me who needed encouragement, and I jumped in with both feet after my wonderful experience with the first friend.

However, being the emotionally inexperienced (and still heavily walled) person I was, I didn't take into account that God had brought someone with a totally different personality into my life. She is my opposite and yet exactly what I needed as well. It is a much more difficult relationship on my end, because of my lack of emotions and refusal to release those emotions freely, but slowly the walls are being chipped away, and when there is a breakthrough (usually after a rough moment in the relationship), I can just tell my emotions have been allowed to have some freedom.  It has made me grow in ways I didn't think was possible. I am very thankful for her and what she has taught me so far.

I'm not sure I like the emotional vulnerability with either friend.  I don't know what to do with emotions and it's very confusing for me at times. It's difficult and makes me want to grab the bricks and mortar and quickly rebuild. However, in those moments of calmness, I have a peace and security I haven't known in a long time in a friendship besides my husband.  He needs to be my first and most important friend, but I also need 'girl' friends to navigate this insane job of wife and mommy.

Yes, you read that right. I admitted it.  I finally realize I need friendships.

I'm not claiming to be the expert at them either. I know I am far from that! Allowing myself the freedom to step out of my comfort zone the past few months has led to some amazing conversations, results, laughs, tears, frustrations, and help in overcoming sin. I can even add in there that my physical life was probably saved.  Soooo, I can't knock friendships anymore.

God has definitely picked me up and set me outside my comfort zone in this area.  After fighting Him for so long, He just shoved me out there and waited for me to see what He could do in this area.

It definitely exceeded any thoughts or ideas I had ever had before.

That's how my awesome God works!

HIS Timing

I find it kind of ironic that I got on here to talk about God's timing, and my last post was about timing. I've been gone a while due to the holidays and all the craziness that comes with it, and trying to find the 'normal' again.

The last few weeks have been emotional roller coasters. Actually, I think emotional tornadoes is a better term.  Crazy emotions coming out of nowhere, completely unexpected, and leaving a trail of mess behind them.  Sometimes that mess was just pure hurt and confusion, sometimes it was tearing open something hidden that eventually turned into something good.

I don't like emotions. I don't know how to deal with them. I don't like feeling them. They make me awkward and rambling. Both of which I already am without emotions.  Throw emotions in and I'm guaranteed to do something stupid and embarrassing.

Leading up to the holiday I dread the most, God had already put people into place to pray me through. As the holiday happened and the rush and mess of the week continued, God brought others to encourage and pray me through.  This was the first Christmas in a long time I didn't completely lose my mind and even found some enjoyment in it, and I have no doubt it was because of those few close friends praying me through.

Yet I'm always amazed at how quickly I can let myself lose focus on Him and allow the sins of the world to distract me.  My pride, distrust, and simply forgetting who I am in Christ swallows me quickly and I'm blinded to the goodness He just allowed me to experience.

It's no coincidence that when I step away from the Word, my heart and mind do as well.

Right before Christmas, God and I had an incredible talk. An incredible meeting and change in my heart regarding my attitude towards music and worship.  It affected me so deeply that for days I would just thank Him for that moment and for loving me enough to chisel away at the hardened parts of my heart.

Hard to believe that two weeks later I was allowing sin take over that same heart He had just worked on. How easily I forgot that moment with Him. I'm thankful that He continued to give me little glimpses and remembrances in order to not let me be swallowed up in sin.

I know since then I've pulled away from Him. The shame and guilt cause me to go into hiding, even though that makes absolutely no sense.  As I've slowly let Him work on me and speak to me, He's using those weak moments of sin to teach me about other issues in my life and how, through Him only, I can face and overcome them.

Less than two weeks away from that low moment, He has given me an unexpected blessing that I can only thank Him for.  Through this blessing He is teaching me more about his unconditional love and forgiveness.

No matter how often I lose focus on Him, He is constantly watching, loving, caring, and protecting me.

In every single detail, He leaves His perfect mark, showing that every situation is weaved by His perfect timing.