A jumbled tired mess of words...

I don't really have anything interesting to say.  I'm simply avoiding getting the day started.  Just feeling kinda blah and 'eh' and a lot on my mind. My mind is a jumbled as the items in this picture (which is one of my favorite pictures lately).  I walked by this one night after the kids went to bed, and the collage of odd items in a semi-pattern just struck me.  

Okay, stop laughing at me...



My daughter is trying to make me have a heart attack at 32.  Which with my enormous size and failure to lose ANY weight lately makes a heart attack quite likely.  I love her though... maybe because she reminds me so much of myself.  Some days that is a scary thing.

My husband has been experiencing worse symptoms from his TIA last winter.  After months of bugging him to go to the new neurologist I finally gave up.  Then last week he came to me and asked me to help him get an appointment.  He finally admitted things were getting worse, and they must be for him to ask AND follow up by getting all of his records to send to the new doctor.  The neurologist he was seeing was convinced it was MS, despite several tests showing negative results for MS.  Instead of looking for another diagnosis, he still wanted to treat him for MS: painful daily treatments in the form of shots, which would cost at least $1000/month after insurance.  But MY issue was him getting treated for something he most likely doesn't have, and the real problem will continue to get worse.  I've really been praying for God to give the new doctor wisdom and concern.  He's too young to lose what he's starting to lose...

My oldest son is starting Head Start next week.  It's a HUGE deal for me, because I never thought I'd be sending my child to school.  I've always planned on homeschooling, but the offer of free speech therapy is much needed for him.  I'm still homeschooling him at home because he's academically farther ahead than the Head Start program, but I think it will be good for him in many areas.  I'm even excited about finding out things I can get involved in with other moms in my community and other programs to help him out (and possibly my daughter, who the HS teacher says may need speech too).

My youngest son is growing too quickly.  Enough said.  

I have a very dear friend having surgery in two days, and I'm scared for her.  I'm usually all about the 'surgery procedure is cool' and into the whole process for scientific reasons, but this time I wish I didn't know what I do know.  I believe this is necessary for her to have done, but I want to cry every time I think of the details. I haven't told her this and I try not to talk details with her because I want to scream 'DON'T DO IT!'.  I know she NEEDS it done and will be okay... just my very rare fear of something for someone I love. (And I'm 99% sure she doesn't read this, so I'm not worried).  I've never had something bother me so much.  I'm not trying to be self-focused either.  I know this isn't about me at all.  It's about her and that is breaking my heart because I love her so very much.  So I'm praying and clinging to my Father that He knows best and He is in 100% control of it all, and I will do whatever I can for her.

That's my jumbled up heart today.  Now to tuck it aside and get the day going...

Hugs from Strangers

I've been trying to write this post for two weeks now (okay, now make it three...).  Been a little crazy working on some bigger projects as well as cleaning for my first ever Tastefully Simple party.  This will be the third 'people gathering' I've had at my home this summer...  more than the last 10 years combined (nope, not kidding).  I'm starting to like having people over, and starting to be okay with the fact that my house isn't as huge, nicely decorated, or up-to-date as some of my other friends.  I always grew up with the idea of 'come to see me, not my house', but pride stepped in the way after I realized my 'things' aren't near as nice as others.  Working on that...

But that's neither here nor there with what I intended to write about.

Two weeks ago I went to a Tastefully Simple meeting designed just for consultants.  My team leader wanted me to come because I've been considering becoming a consultant.  This was the big Autumn meeting, where consultants were able to taste new fall products and learn about new changes for the fall.

The fact that I went was a monumental thing in and of itself.  I've never liked big 'group' things (okay, or small ones), but I really don't like going when I don't know anyone.  I didn't technically even 'know' my team leader... I'd met her once, and talked to her a few times to set up the party I was hosting.  But for some odd reason, (like maybe God's prompting?) I was very interested in becoming a consultant.  So I went...

I got there a bit early, and somewhat boldly walked into the building.  I stood for a bit, trying to decide if I should talk to someone... I wasn't even sure I recognized my team leader!  As I waited and tried to make myself not run out the door, people began arriving... and coming up to talk to me... and even HUGGED me and said they were glad I was there!

The meeting was in a church rec room, so I thought maybe these were the church ladies??  Or maybe they all knew each other and knew I was new??  I didn't understand... But the friendliness and hugs and even conversation was amazing!  All from strangers!  As the meeting got going, I realized these ladies were from all over columbus, and only each team knew their own members.  They were meeting new people as well, and even though they knew I wasn't a consultant, they included me in everything.

I went through the meeting feeling like I had been there forever, like I had known these ladies forever.  We ate, talked, laughed, pondered and listened together. It was nice, but it was odd...

...simply because it made me think about my church friends.  Those I've known and gone to church with for the last eleven years.  ELEVEN years.  Yet some I've known that long and I'm still only on an acquaintance level of friendship.  Some I've known less, and still don't really know them.

Why is that??  Yes, I'm shy, not a people person, intimidated easily, etc., but why am I not close to those God has placed in my immediate church family??  I only remember one or two instances when someone from church came up and hugged me and welcomed me without really knowing me.  Why is that?

And I'm the same way.  Or I used to be.  I had a very bad habit of comparing myself to others: what I wore, how I acted, if I was a good enough Christian, if my home was as good as someone else's.  It got to the point where I even believed my infertility was God telling me that I would never be as good of a mother as some of those in our church.

The last few years I've been pushing myself to make friendships.  The real kind.  The kind where you call (okay, text) any time of day or night, can drop by unexpected and they don't care, or vice versa.  The kind back in high school we used to call best friends.  I have finally built my list up to four.  I have four people in my life that fit this criteria.  Friendships that have taken a lot of work, a lot of heartache, and a lot of uncertainty, but in the end each of these friendships are more than worth it.

And I don't want it to stop at four.  I want to be the example at our church of someone who will smile, talk to you, introduce myself, and yes, maybe even hug you.  I've got a ways to go, but I'm thinking this is something God wants me to do... wants all of us to do!  He designed us to have relationships, especially with others part of His church.

Some days I'm excited and some days I'm not.  Yesterday at church was one of those 'nots'...  I got there late (actually this time unintentionally) and ran out of there pretty quickly.  I DID sit by some friends though (since hubby wasn't there) instead of sitting alone like usual.  But there were new people there and I didn't take the time to welcome them...

Still a long way to go...

But at least now I'm willing!

Blue is not my favorite color

No, it isn't.  Green is.  Dark Green to be specific.  I don't know why... what makes someone like one color over another?  I'm sure there is a scientific psychological answer out there, but for this post, I really don't care.

Blue is actually my second favorite color.  Dark blue.  Unfortunately that seems to be where I'm at right now...  feeling 'blue', in a 'dark' place...  Anyone close to me isn't going to be surprised.  It's a struggle I've fought all my life. This time is different... in a good way (finally!).

I heard the other day that 80% of moms will experience postpartum depression.  It seems kind of high to me, but I'm not a doctor, or person who has apparently polled all new moms.  I honestly never worried about it with Noah, simply because I've always battled depression... how could this be any different?  So I went on a blind new mommy, learning, fumbling, crying, and rejoicing at little things through his first year.

Then came Ruby.  My pregnancy with her was so different... SHE was such a different baby inside.  After she was born, I hit a roller coaster of emotions.  The new change to having two, having the second one be completely opposite in every way to the first, the digestive issues she struggled with, and a husband working crazy hours and gone most of the time was tossed into the hormones and made one prize-winning soup!

By the time she was four months old, I was in a pit.  I hadn't been there in a long time, and this was my first experience while having children.  To save myself some embarrassment I'll leave out most of the details.  But at times it got scary... never towards my children, but only towards myself.  One day I put both kids in the van and started driving.  I drove all day with no destination in mind.  Thankfully two friends stepped in that day and I eventually returned home and even realized I needed intervention.

Less than a year later I was pregnant with Zane.  He was our first surprise, and a WONDERFUL one at that!  Amazingly, my pregnancy with him was different from the first two.  However, most of the 39 weeks I spent worrying.  Was I hurting my baby?  How would this affect him?  How am I going to handle that stupid postpartum junk?

You see, this time I've been expecting it.  With all three kids there's been a 'start' time to the downward spiral into the pit.  When I look back I can see it.  Right around the time the babies are three months old, and the hormones are 'settling' back to normal (or a new normal in my opinion), the depressions hits.  I know it is a hormonal imbalance mixed with a chemical imbalance in my brain.  I've become very knowledgeable on the subject in the past year and a half simply because I'm the type that has to know information, especially if it concerns something being 'wrong' with me.

Just like expected, the down time started.  It's steadily progressed downward the past couple of weeks and I can see the tougher times coming very soon.  The difference is expecting it helps incredibly!

Yes, I'm down, but I can tell myself: " don't do anything stupid or impulsive (that last one is a hard one for me anytime!).  remember it will be over soon and things will be okay.  just hang in there and ask God to get you through it."

The past few days I've really had to pray and push through it.  For some reason, driving away becomes a strong desire when I'm down.  Thankfully I was able to visit a friend this week who lives a bit farther away.  I also have a trip to Indiana tomorrow with just the kids and I, so that will definitely help.

At home, nothing interests me.  Many things go undone (not that cleaning has ever been the highlight of my days anyway). ;)  The kids end up watching way more TV than they should and eating less healthier meals than usual.  I can go for days without leaving the house or taking a shower, and it doesn't phase me at all (of course I've gotten accustomed to days between showers...). :P  I'm absolutely fine to not talk to any friends either.

But I don't want it to be this way.  Since I expected it this time, I'm able to put more effort into not letting it affect me as much.  I want to keep up on the house (because I know what it's like when I get way behind... ugh), I want to play with my kids and feed them healthy meals and snacks, I want to talk to and be with friends who encourage me.  I'd add my hubby to the list as well, but since he's rarely here that one becomes a hard thing.  I want to get out of the house and enjoy the outdoors that I love!

Right now I can say I'm halfway winning the battle... that's a lot better than usual.  But I'm frustrated today.  I'm losing today.   Ugh.

I need to spend more time in prayer today.  That's definitely the best thing I can do.