No, it isn't. Green is. Dark Green to be specific. I don't know why... what makes someone like one color over another? I'm sure there is a scientific psychological answer out there, but for this post, I really don't care.
Blue is actually my second favorite color. Dark blue. Unfortunately that seems to be where I'm at right now... feeling 'blue', in a 'dark' place... Anyone close to me isn't going to be surprised. It's a struggle I've fought all my life. This time is different... in a good way (finally!).
I heard the other day that 80% of moms will experience postpartum depression. It seems kind of high to me, but I'm not a doctor, or person who has apparently polled all new moms. I honestly never worried about it with Noah, simply because I've always battled depression... how could this be any different? So I went on a blind new mommy, learning, fumbling, crying, and rejoicing at little things through his first year.
Then came Ruby. My pregnancy with her was so different... SHE was such a different baby inside. After she was born, I hit a roller coaster of emotions. The new change to having two, having the second one be completely opposite in every way to the first, the digestive issues she struggled with, and a husband working crazy hours and gone most of the time was tossed into the hormones and made one prize-winning soup!
By the time she was four months old, I was in a pit. I hadn't been there in a long time, and this was my first experience while having children. To save myself some embarrassment I'll leave out most of the details. But at times it got scary... never towards my children, but only towards myself. One day I put both kids in the van and started driving. I drove all day with no destination in mind. Thankfully two friends stepped in that day and I eventually returned home and even realized I needed intervention.
Less than a year later I was pregnant with Zane. He was our first surprise, and a WONDERFUL one at that! Amazingly, my pregnancy with him was different from the first two. However, most of the 39 weeks I spent worrying. Was I hurting my baby? How would this affect him? How am I going to handle that stupid postpartum junk?
You see, this time I've been expecting it. With all three kids there's been a 'start' time to the downward spiral into the pit. When I look back I can see it. Right around the time the babies are three months old, and the hormones are 'settling' back to normal (or a new normal in my opinion), the depressions hits. I know it is a hormonal imbalance mixed with a chemical imbalance in my brain. I've become very knowledgeable on the subject in the past year and a half simply because I'm the type that has to know information, especially if it concerns something being 'wrong' with me.
Just like expected, the down time started. It's steadily progressed downward the past couple of weeks and I can see the tougher times coming very soon. The difference is expecting it helps incredibly!
Yes, I'm down, but I can tell myself: " don't do anything stupid or impulsive (that last one is a hard one for me anytime!). remember it will be over soon and things will be okay. just hang in there and ask God to get you through it."
The past few days I've really had to pray and push through it. For some reason, driving away becomes a strong desire when I'm down. Thankfully I was able to visit a friend this week who lives a bit farther away. I also have a trip to Indiana tomorrow with just the kids and I, so that will definitely help.
At home, nothing interests me. Many things go undone (not that cleaning has ever been the highlight of my days anyway). ;) The kids end up watching way more TV than they should and eating less healthier meals than usual. I can go for days without leaving the house or taking a shower, and it doesn't phase me at all (of course I've gotten accustomed to days between showers...). :P I'm absolutely fine to not talk to any friends either.
But I don't want it to be this way. Since I expected it this time, I'm able to put more effort into not letting it affect me as much. I want to keep up on the house (because I know what it's like when I get way behind... ugh), I want to play with my kids and feed them healthy meals and snacks, I want to talk to and be with friends who encourage me. I'd add my hubby to the list as well, but since he's rarely here that one becomes a hard thing. I want to get out of the house and enjoy the outdoors that I love!
Right now I can say I'm halfway winning the battle... that's a lot better than usual. But I'm frustrated today. I'm losing today. Ugh.
I need to spend more time in prayer today. That's definitely the best thing I can do.
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