Sunday, October 31, 2010

My attempt at Flash Fiction

So I'm a few weeks late to answer a challenge given by a fellow blogger to write a flash fiction story in 300 words or less.  I shied away from it, simply because of how long it's been since I've written any fiction at all.  But as I read the creativity that flowed from my friends, stories began forming in my mind.  Clips here in there of beginnings to another place where I was the creator, the author, the controller of the lives and circumstances of others.


After ignoring it for as long as possible (and honestly not having the time), I'm gonna give it a shot.  Forgive me.


****True Forgiveness****


The harder she swept, the harder the wind blew against her.


With broom in hand, she began sweeping faster, determined to remove the debris.  Her hands became hot and she knew there would be blisters. 


The wind refused to die down or change direction.  With each stroke of the broom, the wind counteracted by pushing the dirt back in her face.


Tears began stinging her eyes, threatening to fall.  It was a resemblance of her life recently.  She had stumbled and fell into sin, and although she had asked forgiveness from her Savior and those involved, people couldn't let it go.  




There were some who knew the truth, and some who knew only rumors, yet both treated her as if she was an outcast.  She was invisibly marked with a sign she was forced to carry.  Forgiveness and repentance meant nothing to those in her world.  They continued to throw her sin back in her face as forceful as the wind pushing back the dirt she so desperately tried to get rid of.

She had often looked back at that time and wondered who she had been.  She couldn't understand even now how she could have fallen so far into such a wretched sin.  A habit that was so difficult to be loosed from, and so easily denied. 

The pain she had caused another person could never be undone. 

Neither could the pain she had caused herself.

She knew there would be healing, but it would be a far time away.  With every angry word and reminder from those who chose not to forgive nor understand, the healing seemed farther and farther.  The wounds deeper.

She squeezed her eyes shut and refused the tears.

"In His name, I am forgiven!", she shouted to the wind.

It should be all that mattered.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Dear Malachi...

One year ago today, God brought you into this world.

One year ago today, I began praying for you and your family.

One year ago today, God started using you to change my life.


I don't know what caused my heart to fall in love with you.  I didn't know you from any other child born that day.  I don't even know your parents.  I was drawn to them as well, because they attended the same college I did, though several years apart.  I simply knew relatives of your parents, and upon their request to pray for you that day, you became part of my life.

The day you were born, my daughter turned 17 months old.  In the numbers of life, 17 months can seem insignificant.  But the fact that you were born on her DAY made it significant.

You see, I would always remember your anniversaries... 1 month, 2 months, etc.  which is why I can't forget today.

But the importance of the day wasn't only for my memory, it was for the lessons I was going to learn.

My daughter is a sweetheart.  She is beautiful.  She is the second born, having an older brother, and recently a younger brother.  Despite these encouraging qualities, she is also a spitfire.  She is stubborn, independent, hard headed, and some days, an all out nightmare.  She is the total opposite of her brothers...

My patience with her is tested daily, sometimes several times a day.  I love her with all my heart, but some days I just had to get away from her.

Your sweet mommy and daddy began a blog just for you, updating with words, pictures, and even videos. Every day I would check your blog, praying as needed, and when there wasn't an update, praying anyway.

My spitfire daughter started ending up in my lap during my Malachi time.  She was not a gentle child at the time, preferring to put her baby dolls in the litter box and play with the tonka trucks instead.  We had just found out we were pregnant around the time you were born, and we were genuinely worried for the new baby.

For the first time I could remember, she would just sit on my lap and look at your pictures, watch your videos, wave and chat to you and Emma, and when I wasn't checking up on you, she would ask to see you.  It became a daily routine for her too.  It also became a time I could get her to sit quietly on those days she drove me insane.  As the months went by, I'm pretty sure she loved you as much as I did.

She had genuine concern for you, knowing you were sick.  She prayed for you in her little voice, with her limited knowledge of words.  Her heart became soft when she saw you or heard about you.

God used your life to teach me to love my daughter for who He created her to be.  Not to be thankful for the health of my children (which I am daily), nor the fact that He has allowed me to have each of them with me still, but He used your life to open my eyes and love her like she is, and not look down on her or dislike her because she isn't what I thought she should be.

It was one of many lessons I learned while praying for you...

I don't know God's specific intentions in creating you with the difficulties He allowed.  I don't know why He chose for you to only be here a short time.  But I know the lives you touched and changed for His glory.

On April 20, we welcomed our third blessing into our family.  We were still nervous about how our daughter would be with him.  When she came to the hospital, she looked at him, and we saw a tenderness in her we had only seen her have with you.  She was gentle with him from the very beginning, and soon became a sweet, loving, gentle little mommy to him and her baby dolls.  We were shocked, and thankful.

When I heard of the decision to allow you to fall asleep in Jesus' arms, I was angry.  I was sad for you and your family, I was angry with God for allowing this, even angry with the decision itself, even though I didn't understand the full extent of your hardship and pain.  My heart knew what was best for you, but the thought of you being gone, caused my heart to ache.  I can't imagine the hurt your mommy and daddy were feeling...

When I heard of your passing, I cried.  I didn't understand.  I still don't.  But I know there are things of God we aren't supposed to know right now.  I have to trust Him, knowing He created you the perfect way He wanted you, so you could bring glory to Him.

Two days after you were gone, my daughter turned 2 years old.  It was a bittersweet day for me, knowing how you had impacted HER life, and how God used you to show me how to love her the way she deserved.  I don't know if she will remember you, but someday I will remind her of you and share with her how God used you in both of our lives.

Tears flow as I write this, thinking of how I have changed, all because you were born one year ago today.  I'm praising God for allowing you to be here, even though for a short time.  I'm thankful you are spending your first birthday with him, complete and pain free.

I look forward to meeting you one day, and giving you the hug I've always wanted to share.

And I'll continue to pray for your mommy and daddy, knowing they miss you tons more than I.

God is good, and His ways are perfect.  In this I trust!

With Love,
Amy and Ruby

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Impossible is NOT a Word

All that is necessary to break the spell of frustration is this: Act as if it were impossible to fail."
– Dorothea Brande


My beautiful children had me up way early this morning, which is not only odd for a Saturday, but it's odd for them to be up before 9 ANY day! {secretly mommy is happy because it should mean even the oldest will take a nap today... maybe} ;)


However, since baby still had a rough night, I am tired.  So I decided to start my day on the computer, which rarely happens.


I logged on to facebook this morning, and one of my sweet aunts had the quote above as her status.  It caught my attention because of one word: IMPOSSIBLE.


I have crazy feelings about that word.  In fact, I'm pretty sure if you can hate a word, that would be the word I hate.


I grew up being pushed to be a perfectionist (and since it was in my blood, it was also a natural tendency for me).  Therefore, impossible was not an acceptable response or attitude towards anything.


However, like most imperfect humans, IMPOSSIBLE was often a possibility, even a choice.  I HATED it.  If I do everything 'right' and put in the hard work and effort, then impossible should not be an option for the outcome.


As I grew into an adult, and life became... life... impossible seemed to be MY word.  I gave in to it too.  I allowed it to be an acceptable outcome, and acceptable choice.


But of course, instead of it making life easier, it made life harder.  It became too easy to get out of things, to not try, to compromise right and wrong.  


The past few months, God has been teaching me that IMPOSSIBLE IS NOT A WORD.  I've known the verse 'With God all things are possible' since as far back as I can remember.  He's really been teaching me the meaning of this verse.  


It doesn't mean that everything I try and want and desire will happen.  It CAN happen if that's God's will for me.  If I'm in His will, then my wants and desires will be His, and the possibilities are endless and amazing!


The above quote also reminded me of a song He's been playing for me recently: What Faith Can Do by Kutless.  


Specifically this line:  "It doesn't matter what you've heard, impossible is not a word, it's just a reason for someone not to try".


This morning it was a crazy, perfect timing, eye opening realization for me.  


"I can do all things through Christ Who gives me strength!"


I shouldn't let fear, uncertainty, feelings of inadequacy tell me that something is impossible.  If it is what God is calling me to do, encouraging me to do, then impossible is not a word.



Monday, October 4, 2010

A Bad Friend

I thought making a goal of at least 3 posts a month was feasible...  apparently not.  September has come and gone and I'm just now able to catch my breath and sit down to write.

I HAVE to write.  I was up a lot last night with blog posts running through my head.  I guess I should say the Holy Spirit had me up a lot last night burdening my heart with issues I don't want to deal with but will have to if I put them in writing.

I have two big issues right now I need to blog about, and wasn't sure which one to start with until this morning.  I was confronted again with yet another situation concerning friendship so I guess I'll start there.  Then as I was driving around and thinking about what to write, I realized these two things are linked.

Interesting.

If you ask anyone who has ever been close to me, they may advise you NOT to get close to me.  Granted, that would make only 2 or 3 in the last 11 years, but that's not the point.  You see, I have Bad Friend Syndrome.


I'm hoping not all of you are surprised.

I have always been a shy person, but I do love making friends.  I {secretly love} people.  There have only ever been a handful of people that I just can't get along with.  I enjoy encouraging people, helping people, and knowing all about someone.


That's not a bad friend??  I know.  I'm getting there...

My issue is when a friend gets 'too close'.  There is a point in my relationships that I purposefully (yet subconsciously) sabotage my friendships.  I've done it with every close friendship I've had since I was 16 years old.  I end up hurting my friend, whom I truly love deeply, and crying and regretting it for years to come.

I was very good at it in college.  I can give you a few names of dear friends that I completely destroyed our relationship.  They just got too close.

When I moved to Ohio, I allowed my pride and shyness to reign and didn't make many friends at all, let alone close ones.  I kept to myself.  People made me nervous so I stayed away.

Of course after being here 11 years, I have made friends.  I've even made a few close friends.  And yes, I've already sabotaged and destroyed those relationships.  I told you, I have Bad Friend Syndrome and I'm good at it.

Thankfully God has put those people into my life for a reason, and despite my attempts at destruction, has brought about healing in a couple of those friendships.  Sadly, not all.

Some I've hurt to the point of no repair.  Not that it isn't possible, just that it hasn't happened.  A couple due to no effort on my part, a couple due to no forgiveness on theirs.  It's understandable.

Last year I was told I was a mean friend.  Sounds a bit elementary-ish doesn't it?  But it was totally true.  I was going through an incredibly difficult time in my life, I was on the receiving end of a mean friend, I was lost in areas and fighting in others, and because of one night of meanness, I was labeled a mean friend.  This person didn't know what I was going through.  They just knew I'm a 'tough' hermit type person, and therefore releasing my anger was apparently natural.

But it wasn't at that time.  It was the result of pain and confusion.

However, I am a mean friend.  If you don't believe me, just try to get close to me.  It's like hugging a porcupine.  Really.

I don't WANT to destroy my close friendships.  I don't WANT to be mean.  So then... why do I do it?

That's what I'm trying to figure out...

I'm not digging into the whole psychological realm of why we subconsciously do things.  I have a pretty good idea of why, due a situation with my BFF my senior year of high school.

What I want to figure out is how to STOP doing it.  How do I get past that barrier in my relationships and allow someone to get close to me.  I don't usually let it bother me, but the past few weeks it has been a knife in my chest.  It just won't stop hurting.

I am not lovable.

And I can't be the friend I should be if I in return can't be lovable.

It makes my heart heavy...

Praying on how to change this...