A Bad Friend

I thought making a goal of at least 3 posts a month was feasible...  apparently not.  September has come and gone and I'm just now able to catch my breath and sit down to write.

I HAVE to write.  I was up a lot last night with blog posts running through my head.  I guess I should say the Holy Spirit had me up a lot last night burdening my heart with issues I don't want to deal with but will have to if I put them in writing.

I have two big issues right now I need to blog about, and wasn't sure which one to start with until this morning.  I was confronted again with yet another situation concerning friendship so I guess I'll start there.  Then as I was driving around and thinking about what to write, I realized these two things are linked.

Interesting.

If you ask anyone who has ever been close to me, they may advise you NOT to get close to me.  Granted, that would make only 2 or 3 in the last 11 years, but that's not the point.  You see, I have Bad Friend Syndrome.


I'm hoping not all of you are surprised.

I have always been a shy person, but I do love making friends.  I {secretly love} people.  There have only ever been a handful of people that I just can't get along with.  I enjoy encouraging people, helping people, and knowing all about someone.


That's not a bad friend??  I know.  I'm getting there...

My issue is when a friend gets 'too close'.  There is a point in my relationships that I purposefully (yet subconsciously) sabotage my friendships.  I've done it with every close friendship I've had since I was 16 years old.  I end up hurting my friend, whom I truly love deeply, and crying and regretting it for years to come.

I was very good at it in college.  I can give you a few names of dear friends that I completely destroyed our relationship.  They just got too close.

When I moved to Ohio, I allowed my pride and shyness to reign and didn't make many friends at all, let alone close ones.  I kept to myself.  People made me nervous so I stayed away.

Of course after being here 11 years, I have made friends.  I've even made a few close friends.  And yes, I've already sabotaged and destroyed those relationships.  I told you, I have Bad Friend Syndrome and I'm good at it.

Thankfully God has put those people into my life for a reason, and despite my attempts at destruction, has brought about healing in a couple of those friendships.  Sadly, not all.

Some I've hurt to the point of no repair.  Not that it isn't possible, just that it hasn't happened.  A couple due to no effort on my part, a couple due to no forgiveness on theirs.  It's understandable.

Last year I was told I was a mean friend.  Sounds a bit elementary-ish doesn't it?  But it was totally true.  I was going through an incredibly difficult time in my life, I was on the receiving end of a mean friend, I was lost in areas and fighting in others, and because of one night of meanness, I was labeled a mean friend.  This person didn't know what I was going through.  They just knew I'm a 'tough' hermit type person, and therefore releasing my anger was apparently natural.

But it wasn't at that time.  It was the result of pain and confusion.

However, I am a mean friend.  If you don't believe me, just try to get close to me.  It's like hugging a porcupine.  Really.

I don't WANT to destroy my close friendships.  I don't WANT to be mean.  So then... why do I do it?

That's what I'm trying to figure out...

I'm not digging into the whole psychological realm of why we subconsciously do things.  I have a pretty good idea of why, due a situation with my BFF my senior year of high school.

What I want to figure out is how to STOP doing it.  How do I get past that barrier in my relationships and allow someone to get close to me.  I don't usually let it bother me, but the past few weeks it has been a knife in my chest.  It just won't stop hurting.

I am not lovable.

And I can't be the friend I should be if I in return can't be lovable.

It makes my heart heavy...

Praying on how to change this...