Comfort Zone

I claim to be a pretty tough cookie.

Nothing scares me, nothing bothers me (bothers, not irritates.... plenty of things irritate me ;), my emotions rarely shift and when they do it isn't far on the spectrum.

Let me add in here, that's on a normal day.  On the day my dysfunctioning brain and meds don't get along, I can be an emotionally out of control mess.  Those are the days I'm not really me. That's  not what I'm talking about here.

I learned at a young age to harden my emotions. To keep them out of life was necessary in order to survive the abuse I was enduring.  I kept them hardened, hidden, reigned in, and although it helped me then, it has only hurt me since.

Relationships are emotional.  In order to have a deep friendship, there has to be an emotional give and take on the part of both involved.  It took many, many years to let even my husband break that emotional barrier with me.  There are still days my coldness comes out, but he has learned to be patient with me, and when necessary, reprimand my coldness and chip away at my wall.

However, I live with him. He sees me all the time, in many situations, and is my closest friend in the world.  God did that on purpose.  He knew I would need my hubby and his exact personality to start tearing down those emotional walls. As God pushed me into friendships over the years, the emotions I faced 'coincidentally' seemed to be ones my hubby had just started chipping away at.  This allowed me to develop some deeper friendships, but my walls were still there.

Over the past few months and a lot of changes that happened over the past couple of years, God decided to put me out of my comfort zone by pushing me towards people again.  He made me realize I did need people, no matter how much I tried convincing myself I didn't.

After a lot of wrestling with Him (which is a total waste of time and heartache, so I do NOT recommend it), I got up the courage to ask a long time, base level friend for help in an area that I was being swallowed up in.  It was beyond my comfort zone and very difficult, but I knew I couldn't do it without another human pushing me and keeping me accountable. It was (ok, still is) nerve wracking, embarrassing, stretching, and flat out not fun. Her response to me was far better than I expected, we were very similar in personality, and a friendship began growing and deepening, tearing down some of those emotional walls. I am so thankful for her and for how God has used her in my life.

Then God turned the tables and instead of me needing help and support, it was my turn to offer it.  I love helping others.  Absolutely LOVE. I have no doubt that He made me an encourager, a helper, someone who will sacrifice anything for the good of another. I've been that helper before to others, in several harder situations, and it's just something my heart enjoys doing. He brought another base level friend to me who needed encouragement, and I jumped in with both feet after my wonderful experience with the first friend.

However, being the emotionally inexperienced (and still heavily walled) person I was, I didn't take into account that God had brought someone with a totally different personality into my life. She is my opposite and yet exactly what I needed as well. It is a much more difficult relationship on my end, because of my lack of emotions and refusal to release those emotions freely, but slowly the walls are being chipped away, and when there is a breakthrough (usually after a rough moment in the relationship), I can just tell my emotions have been allowed to have some freedom.  It has made me grow in ways I didn't think was possible. I am very thankful for her and what she has taught me so far.

I'm not sure I like the emotional vulnerability with either friend.  I don't know what to do with emotions and it's very confusing for me at times. It's difficult and makes me want to grab the bricks and mortar and quickly rebuild. However, in those moments of calmness, I have a peace and security I haven't known in a long time in a friendship besides my husband.  He needs to be my first and most important friend, but I also need 'girl' friends to navigate this insane job of wife and mommy.

Yes, you read that right. I admitted it.  I finally realize I need friendships.

I'm not claiming to be the expert at them either. I know I am far from that! Allowing myself the freedom to step out of my comfort zone the past few months has led to some amazing conversations, results, laughs, tears, frustrations, and help in overcoming sin. I can even add in there that my physical life was probably saved.  Soooo, I can't knock friendships anymore.

God has definitely picked me up and set me outside my comfort zone in this area.  After fighting Him for so long, He just shoved me out there and waited for me to see what He could do in this area.

It definitely exceeded any thoughts or ideas I had ever had before.

That's how my awesome God works!