Timing

The past few days I've been working on writing out some difficult things. Because it's always crazy around here, making the time to write is tricky.

I didn't want to write in the morning, because I didn't want it to affect my entire day.

I didn't want to write at night because I didn't want to cause me not to sleep or to have bad dreams.

Any time between that is filled with crazy children, chores that are always behind, and a tired momma pulled into many directions.

Today I realized, that although each of these excuses have valid reasons, they are still just excuses. Reasons I give myself to walk away and not face the difficulty, which means I'm missing the blessing and growth in Christ that can come from having victory here.

Sometimes, timing is everything, and other times, timing is just an excuse.

Details

It never fails to fascinate me and put me in awe whenever I can see God working in the little things.

Yeah, He works in the big things, but we tend to notice those, especially if His working isn't what we would initially want.

In our crazy, busy, self-consumed world, we easily overlook the little things, which if we think about it, all those little things add up to the big things.

This past year I really wanted to focus on the little things. I needed to stop and take the time to see God in my everyday, all day, normal (is there such a thing as a mom??) routines and seemingly unimportant daily tasks and lists so that I could be reminded that where He has me, right here, at this exact place and time in my life, is exactly where He wants me.

I admit I don't focus on it enough. If I would, I wouldn't still struggle with so much discontentment.

That's another post for another day. ;)

Because my life is filled of little things pertaining mostly to little people (and if I want to be funny, my little house itself), I don't take time to see God in the little ways that He is changing and growing me to be more like Christ.

On the negative side, if He is trying to correct a wrong behavior or sin in my life, and I continually ignore the little promptings and encouragements, then He will bring the bigger changes in order to prevent me from falling further away.  Been there, done that, more than once (or twice), and if I was smart, wouldn't go there again. Consequences of my selfish, stubborn self that are not fun at all.

On the positive side, those little details He is in, is to show me how much He loves me. It's that simple. He only does what is best for me, and can only do good. As I've gotten better at noticing His hand in the little details, I've learned to immediately respond with 'Oh, how He loves us so!' It's from a song that touched (and continues to touch) my life deeply in regards to difficult circumstances I have faced.  The love He has for me has overwhelmed and consumed me and when I see it, I can only declare His unconditional love for me that I don't deserve in the least.

After writing my post yesterday, I was overwhelmed and hurt and fighting and frustrated that I was once again dealing with an issue I had taken care of.

You can't comment, 'well, maybe you didn't really take care of it,' because trust me, Jesus and I had an all out face to face meeting once upon a time and it was dealt with.

One thing I'm learning however, is that when an issue involves so much hurt, pain and details, even though the main part has been dealt with, there are a lot of leftover tentacles that can survive on their own and wreak havoc in their own way.  Sometimes they aren't even recognizable until other tentacles and obstacles are removed.

Kind of like a multi-layered dessert.  But not pretty or delicious.

Sorry, Christmas baking on my mind...

Where was I?

After my frustration yesterday morning (that had been coming to a head for a few weeks), God reminded me that this isn't one of those cut and dried issues. It's not something that can be taken care of with one fell swoop because it's a situation that developed over time and grew many nasty tentacles that caused their own damage.

When I initially took care of the main issue, that was the focus God wanted me to have. That was the big hurt that needed dealt with at that time and He was there and gave me everything I needed in order to face it and have victory.

Because He loves me, He didn't immediately start throwing all those tentacles at me to deal with. He gave me time to heal, time to process, time to grow more like Christ, and when the timing was perfect, He brought on one of those smaller layers to be dealt with.  He knew I would have to revisit the main issue, but since it had been taken care of, the wound was just a scar, with no chance of opening back up and causing pain. I could reach into what I learned from that and use it to help me fight the smaller issue without worrying about the sting it could cause again. Scars have no feeling themselves, just mental reminders and evidence of a wound healed.

I don't need to be frustrated that I'm dealing with this 'yet again,' because actually, I'm not.  I'm dealing with this part that came from that main issue, that has never been dealt with and needs to be so that I can grow to be more like Christ.

It isn't fun. It isn't easy. and Yes, I'd rather cut off my pinky toe with a spoon.  My tendencies to run away from difficult things (even physically run away), kicked into hyperdrive yesterday when I realized that right now is when He wants me to face and deal with this specific detail.

In my Bible study this morning, she had us go back and review a few specific things we had done two days ago.  We had had to write down three to five emotions that characterize our first experience when faced with conflict or stressful situations. One of mine was 'run away'.

Trust me, how I haven't ran away already is by God alone. I'm a runner... it's what I do. Well, not an athletic runner like has become so popular recently, otherwise I wouldn't be so overweight. ;)

Anyway, we then had to take those emotions and write down steps we can take to redirect those thoughts and emotions. When I got to 'run away' this is what I put down:

"God Himself brought me here and He doesn't want me to run away. Instead He wants me to stay and learn and grow in Him."

This was the day before He tore open my Christmas issues.

Not fair, God. Not funny either. He made sure I put a blocker in place of running away before He decided to help me work on Christmas.

I didn't know that was His plan at the time I wrote that, or trust me, I would've definitely given myself the out to run away. He knew that. And in His loving way, He was preparing me for the change and work He was going to do in me in order to help me grow to be more like His Son.

Oh, how He loves us so!

I wish I could end this with a declaration of how I spent yesterday working through and resolving this tentacle that has stung me for so many Christmas times, but I can't.

And that's okay.

God doesn't live in our 24 hour time periods. He doesn't set limits on time when it comes to growth. My human self wants to say I dealt with it in one day, or have the expectation that it was done in one day, but that isn't how God's timing works. He does a little here, a little there and makes sure along the way that it is really dealt with and healed and turning into a scar.

I can say I started dealing with it. I can say it was incredibly difficult... far more so than I thought it would be. I can say that today I woke up with the mental strength to continue, after reaching a point of mental exhaustion yesterday.

God is interested in my growth and permanent change, not in how quickly or slowly it gets done. It just needs to get done.

Today I wait for His prompting and timing and see where He takes me today in regards to this difficulty. He's in the details, because He loves me, and I just need to look for Him and follow His leading.

Seeking Peace

I'm sitting here typing this early in the morning, while it is still dark out. My lights in the house are out and the only lights on are the twinkling colored lights on our oversized Christmas tree.

It's my favorite thing of the Christmas season... lights.  I love lights on houses, lights on trees, colored lights, white lights, old fashioned lights, LED lights... even the houses that look like their toddlers put on their Christmas lights catch my attention, though my thoughts are slightly different when I look at those.

I absolutely love sitting in a dark room with a lit tree. There's something about it that brings me peace at a time of year that I struggle with the most.

I used to have one of those perfectly decorated, themed, beautiful trees. The tree was my favorite part of Christmas, so it had to be perfect.  This year, the tree is anything but...  and I still love it.

Okay, I don't exactly love it... yet... it's growing on me.

I let the kids do whatever they wanted with it this year... within reason. ;)  we didn't have a lot of ornaments, so we sat for a few hours (on and off) and made a paper chain. i didn't have Christmas colored paper, so instead, our chain is a beautiful mix of pinks, turquoises, oranges and a few other miscellaneous colors. At first, I hated it, simply because it wasn't 'Christmasy,' but it's growing on me.  The one dozen red and silver ornaments I did have, hang in a bunch on one side of the tree.  Randomly scattered is a half dozen of homemade kid ornaments they did in the past, which somehow survived the year in storage. And I can't forget the scattered lot of beanie babies perched on limbs, nesting near the center of the tree, or peering out from their hidden landscape of forest green.

Besides the lights, I do have my other favorite part up there: our family ornament. Every year since the year before Noah was born, we've gotten an ornament with our names and year written on it. It's very popular, but for me it's not the popularity I care about, it's the personalization.  This was us for that year. And every other year for the past seven years, our ornament has had a pregnant momma on there, announcing our newest blessing to come. This year is one of those years for a 'pregnant' ornament, but that tradition is broken.  No new baby coming our way next summer, like several are expecting to hear. (Although, the news became a 'cheap, easy gift' for grandparents that saved us money and shopping time...) ;)  It makes me sad, but it's okay.

Christmas is a very hard time of year for me and has been most of my life. Having kids has really changed that, because the focus became them and not me. As time goes on, old wounds continue to fade and the growing excitement of children allow me to not only tolerate this season, but to enjoy it. Although I still struggled slightly in the back of my mind, God allowed it to be covered and protected my heart.

This year, like always, I dreaded this season, but held on to the hope that once again my children and their joy would distract me. Things were going really well until one day last week and I was completely blindsided with hurt, pain, memories and torn open wounds.  I fell hard.

The thing that bothers me the most, isn't that it still bothers me (though that is very irritating and frustrating!). It's the fact that I don't think it's fair (ha) that it still bothers and affects me so deeply after I've dealt with it.  It was taken care of years ago, yet there are two separate times a year it still bothers me, with Christmas being the number one difficulty. My chest is heavy, my mind is distracted, my heart is aching, yet I'm at a loss as to what is really going on. Prayer and verses stay near because I know that's the first and most important thing.

I get the feeling there's something I'm supposed to learn that I've missed before and if I focus on my Father and keep my heart protected, He will teach me something amazing. I need to stop fearing and hating this season and instead listen and grow and use it for His glory.

And while I'm waiting, I'll continue to enjoy the peacefulness of the lights on the tree and the excited giggles of my littles waiting for Christmas morning...

AWOL

I've been without a computer for 12 days.

Twelve LONG days.

A lot has happened in those twelve days; some blog worthy, most not.

I've learned a few more things about myself.

I've learned a few more things about my depression.

It will definitely be good for me to get back to writing on here.

Maybe starting tomorrow....

A Non-Traditional Thanksgiving Post

I love to read. I don't do it much anymore, but I used to spend hours reading and reading. When the blog world came alive I found a few blogs I really enjoyed and kept up with. At times I also read the comments others have left on certain posts, which is sometimes more entertaining than the original post.

I've read enough blogs and comments to know that whenever a blog writer, no matter how deeply they are loved and admired, writes something that's a little against the flow (or a lot against the flow), the catch a lot of flack from their readers. Negative comments abound, even from those who have followed for a long time. There are still a few that defend, more that stay quiet. 

People have a right to their opinions, and those who write publicly have to expect that at some point they will receive negative responses. It's part of our eclectic, ever-changing society and unless one goes into hiding and complete hermit mode, we will all have to deal with negative opinions at some point in our lives.

If my blog was actually read by more than a handful, I'm pretty sure this post would end up with a lot of negative comments. I can read them in my head already: "stop being so negative and focus on the positive," "this is one day of the year only happy stuff should be posted," "get over yourself already."  I could keep going and be much more detailed, but why ruin it for anyone who really does what to respond with a similar reflection.

Today is Thanksgiving. Happy day of expressing all thankfulness for all the blessings we have. Happy Turkey Day. Happy Day when the Pilgrims came and started a genocide of the American Indians. These aren't actually my thoughts, just ones I've seen floating around on facebook this week.

This morning I've already seen the title to several blogs that read "What I'm most thankful for" and similar ideas. Today is the day where bloggers get to sing the praises of thankfulness and all they have.

I've always had issues with holidays. There are valid reasons, but there are also opinionated reasons for my dislike of national days of this or that.

I think part of my attitude comes simply from my rebellious nature. I'm definitely one who goes her own way, especially when I'm told to go another way. I'm definitely an in charge, in complete control kind of person. Yep, it's gotten me in a lot of trouble and I've somewhat learned to tame it, but it still gets the better of me often.

I don't need a national holiday of someone telling me to be thankful. I don't do the 30 day facebook posts of what I'm thankful for every day. I don't force my kids to sit at breakfast on this one morning and say what they are thankful for. Why not?

Because it is something I want for my everyday and their everyday, not just the focus on one day a year. 

Yes, I understand that even those who love this holiday and love the thankful posts feel the same way (or at least I hope so). Although there are those on my newsfeed (well, I usually block from my newsfeed) who complain and whine all year, then in November magically turn into the most thankful person on earth. I'm not even gonna start down that road.

I will say I am thankful for a day in which our nation lets us have a break and do whatever we want (within reason). Some people still work, some people go on vacation, some stay home alone, but whatever it is they choose, it's one of a few 'free' days that our nation recognizes as a break.

We get so caught up in our plans and being thankful that we often forget those who really struggle with days like today. Thanksgiving and Christmas are two of the most difficult holidays of the year. It doesn't help that the majority of the nation has been sun deprived during this time, resulting in a bent towards sadness and depression.

I really thought my struggle and negativeness towards this was just really tainting my view of the holidays until I read a post from someone yesterday about remembering all those who have a very hard time with Thanksgiving.  Whew, maybe I'm not completely stubborn and so submerged in depression that I'm delusional. 

I would hope those who come to mind first would be those who have nothing. I'm not talking about third world countries, I'm talking about right here, one street over, a few blocks away from where you live, there is someone without a home. There are those waking up in make shift tents and free shelters this morning, wondering if they will have a bed again tonight. It's not just individuals either. My husband is a teacher and over the years he's had many students who were living in shelters with their families. Families like mine, with innocent little kids, depending on a cot or two and the kindness of strangers to keep them safe and warm and fed. I know what it's like to miss meals in order for my kids to have enough to eat, but I can't imagine having no food or home to give them. The heartache and burden of those moms and dads must be so heavy. Even though today is one day they are guaranteed a free meal (if they go looking for one), it doesn't soften the blow of reality and what tomorrow will be like.

Kudos to those who spend today serving, helping, donating time, money and food in order to help these people. I've been one of them many times.  My hope is that for those one-timers who check off 'do a good deed' from their good person list will realize the need for their help every single day. To see these people as people just like themselves is my hope, because inside, we are all wanting and needing the same things. 

It may be their fault, but not always. Even so, it is never a child's fault for being in such a dire position.

How dare we ever judge anyone. We need to learn to simply love.

Besides those obviously needing remembered today, there are many, many more who get overlooked because they aren't blatant with the sadness today brings. They have homes, food, basic necessities or even extravagancies.  They may or may not have families to spend the day with. Those with no families but all the things need thought of today, no matter why they have no family. They will most likely turn down an invitation to your large family gathering, but that doesn't mean you can't call, drop by with a plate, spend half an hour talking with them or something else seemingly small that could encourage their hearts.

Don't judge. Show love.

There are also those surrounded by family and blessings galore, but whose heart hurts on this day for whatever reason. These are the most overlooked, because they have gotten good at pretending or hiding. They are easy to miss. They are friends. They are even family. 

Of all the days to show love, encouragement and care for everyone we meet, this holiday is one of them. Step outside of yourself, your traditions, your 'it's about me and us' attitudes and look for ways to be an encouragement to everyone you have contact with today. We don't need to understand, we have no right to judge and we don't need to know why.

We just need to love.

John 13:34 ~"...just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another..."

It's been a few days.

The day of my last post was a very, very bad day for me mentally.

I wasn't myself. I said several times that day, 'this isn't the real me.'

Days like that are scary, confusing and humbling. It's a reminder that there is something really wrong with me and because of that there are times when I'm not in control.

God put the perfect people in the perfect places and times throughout that day in order for them to help carry me through. That's the only reason I made it.

The next day was a dark day, swinging from the anxious, impulsive, self-destructive, angry person on Thursday to the melancholy, hopeless, stay on the couch all day person on Friday. God, in His perfect plan, took care of me again on that day.

The few days after that were just up and down, but to neither extreme. Finally, on Sunday evening I felt as if I was starting to level out.

I have no doubt this was caused by missing medication as well as starting a higher dose of medication. It's as if the medicine had to find my 'normal' and in doing so took me from one extreme to another.

I've sat down a few times to write in more detail about my meds, but it's not a subject I like to talk about. Maybe I'll eventually convince myself to do that. However, the end point is that I am thankful for them.

This week has been a bit strange as well. The higher dose has definitely taken away a lot of my normal reserves. I'm more outgoing, not anxious around people (or the idea of being around people), and definitely happier. It's been a feeling I haven't had for a long time. I'm also thinking quite clear, which is so wonderful after having such a fuzzy mind for so many months.

I wish I could say I was great and super and fixed! Not so.  The clearer thinking has showed me exactly where I'm failing, when I'm not thinking how I should, and the worst part is being aware of who I am and how I've been while staying under a cloud of not being able to change.

All of this just in time for the holidays. Yay.

Holidays and I don't mesh well. Thankfully, since having kids, Christmas has once again been joyful. We may not be able to buy and spoil and shower them with tons of gifts, but we make memories, new traditions, and enjoy being together as a family.

Thanksgiving I can do without. Well, the holiday, not actual thanksgiving. Ha. The last few years have just been... eh. This year... yep, let's just say I can do without it.

Maybe the blessing in disguise is that I am now on a higher dose of medicine just in time for the holidays. :) God's timing is perfect, right? :)

I don't like this post. I've been sitting here debating on posting or deleting. I didn't mean for it to be as negative as it is. At the same time, I don't care. I don't write for anyone but myself. I somehow have to figure out how to be a wife and mom while working through depression and whatever else may be mentally wrong (said half jokingly).  I'm leaving it, if for any reason, I can look back and pinpoint a pattern or whatever else that could help me someday.

Or I can use it when I finally get around to writing that book...

Off Kilter

There are some days I just want to be normal.

...or at least the same as the day before.

This is one roller coaster ride in which I want off...

I know I'm adjusting to being back on meds as well as a higher dose.

But that doesn't make this any easier...