Zero

A couple of months ago, this thought suddenly popped into my head:

I'm going to die unless I lose this weight.


The specific moment I had that thought was not during a weight check, binging, exercising or really absolutely nothing to do with anything concerning weight loss.

It's always in the back of my mind lately though.

Due to six years of infertility, severe depression, and TONS of fertility medications, I gained a whopping amount of weight.  I gained more with my first pregnancy, but lost all the baby weight by 11 weeks postpartum.  I gained with my second pregnancy, and lost all that baby weight by 12 weeks postpartum.

I was back to the same number, unfortunately it was still a rather large number.

Between baby #2 and baby #3, two great things happened.  I bucked up and joined weight watchers with a friend.  I proceeded to lose 41 pounds.  I also had to start taking a medication, which had a side effect of appetite suppressant.

Then baby #3 surprised us (happily!), and suddenly my body went into revolt or something!  I started gaining weight faster than I ever had before.  I gained exactly 11 pounds my first 5 months of pregnancy... and NOT total, PER MONTH!!!  That was almost my total for my first pregnancy, and over my total for the entire second! I was outraged!

Here I had worked my tail off (almost literally) for the past 6 months, and suddenly that was all thrown out the window?!?!  Once I passed my beloved '41', I started crying in the doctor's office.  I asked her what in the world was going on, and the answer she gave me made total sense, but was totally laughable:  because I had lost so much weight just prior to getting pregnant, my body didn't know how to respond to the new hormones and began gaining weight twice as fast.

Really?  I was being punished for losing weight??

Her second answer:  my hormones had collided with my medication and they didn't agree.  the hormones took over the medication and turned them against me.

What was this?  Some sick 'we gotta maker her fat again' war going on in my body?

It didn't matter what I did, I continued to gain.

At my 6 month check, I had dropped to *only* gaining 6 pounds.  And 6 it was for every single month til baby 3 made his entrance.

Alright, I thought.  Now baby is out, and this *many* pounds I've gained will be gone in 12 weeks.

WRONG.

In the first 12 weeks I had only lost maybe 7 of the baby pounds.  Then I gained a few back, lost one, gained a few more, lost one... you get it.

I could spend a week eating only veggies and working out 2 hours a day to only end in losing zero (and some weeks I even GAINED).

I got the same results if I sat around all day and ate nothing but pizza and junk.

Here I am 7 months out and I've gotten nowhere.

I admit my motivation the past few months has been at level zero.

And this was after the thought above had popped into my head.

My motivation seems to be at zero in almost every area of my life the past few months.  Even if I do what is right (daily time in the Word, prayer, priorities) it doesn't seem to matter.  I just can't find that I care the way I should be... the way I need to.

Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE my family with my whole heart.  My hubby and kids are the world to me.  I don't WANT to die, but if I don't lose this weight then I can't be surprised if it does kill me.

Goodness, shouldn't that be motivation enough?

If you're reading this, and you pray, please pray for me to have the motivation I need.  Pray I figure something out soon...