the road less traveled

okay, i'll say right now, that the title of this post really has nothing to do with what i'm most likely going to write about.  i more or less have a road in my thoughts (you'll see in my pics), and of course that was the first common poem that popped into my head... ha.

i have a feeling i should put a warning here that i have no idea where this post will go.  it's one of those posts that comes at a time when things are just not so great and i just have to write and puke and vomit to get it all out.  so there you go.

then again, i may back out and this could be the most boring post ever.

and i'm a bit edgy and antsy at the moment, so forgive any grammar and spelling errors.  capitals are thrown out when i feel this way.  rebelliousness perhaps?? :)

does that show my moodiness i've been feeling lately? ;)

things are so very out of control in my life right now and i'm grasping at that rope to just hang on and not let myself fall out of control and into behaviors i know aren't right.

here's a quick summary:

financially... ha.  well, the budget was INCREDIBLE the first 6 days...  well, then the past 2 weeks it's been total chaos.  and i am solely and completely to blame.  but i'll write more on that when i give the monthly update in a few weeks...

my marriage is struggling... and i am mostly solely responsible... (like that?)

my house is out of control.  not my children, but my house itself... not that my children are usually IN control either, but that i can deal with.  the house... the stuff... the 11 years of blah... the clutter accumulated from years and years of depression...  sooooo overwhelming.

mentally... ha.  really?

spiritually... i'm struggling... but that's not a bad thing per se.  i would be more worried if i wasn't struggling because that would mean satan is satisfied with where he has me.  so i'm okay with the struggling.  i do wish i could learn some of the things i seem to continually fail at though.  i'm in the Word daily, i'm working through a Bible study with some sweet friends I have grown to love, and i spend a lot of time in prayer (because i have complete confidence in the power of prayer as well as enjoyment in that personal time with my Father).  i may fail at consistency with devotions, but my prayer life is vital to me.

physically... my back is taking its SLOW sweet time in healing from the two herniated discs.  i am much more mobile now (even though technically i'm not supposed to be AS mobile) but not where i was or where i'd like to be at this time. i go tomorrow morning for another epidural injection (i.e. steroid shot) and i'm hoping this one really does the trick.  *fingers crossed*

.... ha.  see, i had no clue this was how this was going to go...

anyway, back to the roads...  last week i was able to have some 'alone time' while at my in-laws.  the oldest 2 went to vbs with my mil, and since zane is papaw's boy he watched him while i went walking on the country roads... something i grew up doing and LOVE still.

the third and fourth nights i walked, i was very overwhelmed in my heart with different issues... heartbroken, angry, frustrated,... many many negative emotions.  i sulked and whined to my Father while i walked and on that last evening, He brought the road itself to my attention.

hey, He uses what He knows will get our attention.

i walked a road for one mile exactly (one way).  the roads out there are a mixture of sorts.  none of them are paved, yet none are dirt.  they use a 'half paving' method on most of the roads, and a thick gravel on lesser traveled ones.  the road i was walking each day was interesting because it switched on and off between the two types of road for the full mile.

i paid no attention to it the whole week until that last night.  the night i was struggling the most.  which happened to be the night i forgot my tennis shoes and went walking in my flip flops... ;)

the road was easy to walk on for the first half mile.  it was the half paved road that simulated blacktop but wasn't quite blacktop... it was smoothish and except for a rock or two every few feet, i didn't have to even think while walking on it.

then suddenly, it ended.  instead was the beginning of the gravel.  the start of the gravel was sporadic and laid right on top of well packed dirt. it was very hard to walk on because the gravel wasn't very thick and the individual pieces weren't close together.  it was not good for my feet or my back.

the gravel began to be closer together and after 10 feet or so, it became very thick and packed down.  not really smooth, but not as rough as you would think a gravel road would be.  this was easier to walk on than the beginning of the gravel, but it was still not as easy as the pavement.  i tried to stay on it because i was determined to finish my 2 miles, flip flops or not, but it wasn't long before i was off to the side of the road.

the side of the road was mostly dirt with a few stray gravels.  it was flat and didn't shift like the thick gravel.  at times when the gravel came 'out of bounds', i chose to step further off to the side and walk in the tall grass.  i mean, it was easier!

i didn't think much of any of it until i got to the end of the road and stood there, staring back at where i had come.  that's when He begin using the analogy of the rough/easy road to remind me of my life, and of the situation i was dealing with at the moment.

we've most all heard it before... sometimes life is rough, other times it is smooth...  you know, like the road. but the kicker for me was the fact that i had talked with Him the whole way... He was right there beside me the entire time, through the rough, through the smooth, through the times i didn't feel like dealing with it and looked for an easier way out.

there's a difference between our heads and our hearts when the realization of knowing He's always with us hits.

this life that i've become dissatisfied with... this life that i'm very discontent with... this situation that i want to just run from instead of deal with...  this is all in His plan for me.  There are things in this difficulty that He wants me to learn, and wants to use for His glory.

Sometimes I 'know' that... in my head i know that my trials, whether caused by my sin or others' sin, is in His plan and to be used for His glory.

but i have a rebellious heart... i have a selfish, self-focused, heart that wants MY way, wants what I want, and staying on the difficult path is NOT part of my plan.

so the struggle continues between my heart and mind, between what I know is right and what I want, between knowledge and emotion.

but at least i'm still struggling and haven't let go of that rope yet...

i don't want this post to be discouraging to you.  i want it to be encouraging... knowing our Father loves us enough to be right there and to have our best interest at the forefront even if we can't see it.

Oh, How He Loves Us So!


***pics wouldn't upload...  i'll come back and fix it another time***