Strong Enough

**my internet was down so I typed this on word and don't feel like changing the font/colors... so don't read into it looking differently from the other posts. :)

Yesterday was somewhat of a turning point for me.

At least I hope it was.

Mentally, I finally had a revelation, a light bulb moment, one of those thoughts where you go, 'OH DUH!'

My two strongest emotions that rear themselves often is anger and depression.  I guess depression isn't technically an emotion, but more of a combination  as well as results, of emotions (I'm not here to give a professional opinion or definition, I'm just writing to help myself get things figured out).

Most people would say good things never come from anger, but I strongly disagree.  Most of my best ideas, works, determinations have come from my anger.  Most of my anger is directed towards myself until I get to a point where I boil over.  Then I see things differently and can think more clearly.  Some of my best revelations have come from these moments.

Now, add in a few doses of steroids to the mix and WATCH OUT!!  If you've ever seen someone on steroids go into a steroidal rage, you know it isn't pretty.  That's been me the last few days: raw, almost uncontrollable, anger. 

Thankfully it only lasts the first few days it wears off, so hopefully I'm done with that level of anger this time around.

The last few days have been very difficult for me concerning a situation in this house.  Combined with my steroidal (and normal) anger, I have been a nightmare.  Thankfully, I recognize the effects of the steroids and can remind myself this isn't normal and to hang in there before impulsively doing something drastic.  I'm still in Ohio, so it has worked. ;)

After a slight meltdown on Friday evening, the depression started kicking in.  I can handle depression.  As a melancholy soul, I actually function better when I'm a bit down.  Then there was one more flare up of steroidal rage, in which the thought finally came to me:

I've let myself become weak.

I started thinking back 16 years to when I left my home in Michigan and moved to Iowa to go to college.  I couldn't have gotten out of the state fast enough (well, as fast as my little Ford Escort could go anyway). :)  I moved 11 hours away, to a place I'd never been, where I only knew 1 other person on campus, and I LOVED it.  I fell in love with Iowa, but more so with the independence I had. 

I had no need of a job as my 4 years were paid for by my parents.  However, I worked 2-3 jobs at one time the entire 4 years I was there.  I hated sitting around doing nothing, I'm not a hugely social person (ha), and studying was easy for me so I didn't need to spend hours on it.  So I worked, made my own money, bought whatever I wanted, treated friends to whatever they wanted, and still saved 80% of my earnings.  I was in complete control and I loved it.

Before I make it sound like a cakewalk, college was also the hardest 4 years of my life, facing and dealing with many personal issues.  But that has nothing to do with this post. ;)

I moved to Ohio because my fiance was here and still in school.  It was the hardest thing I'd ever done.  I moved 12 hours from Iowa, to a place I'd never been, where I only knew 1 other person in the city, and I HATED it.  I lost every bit of independence I had ever had.

I let everything go.  I mean, I was a teacher at the church I still attend, so I worked, but otherwise I stayed in my apartment and became a hermit.  I didn't decorate the apartment, I rarely even cleaned it, both things I had enjoyed greatly in Iowa. Then 4 months later I got married...

I've been the same the past 12 years.

Well, not EXACTLY the same... I mean, no one stays exactly the same for 12 years.

What I do mean is that I've not gained back that independence... that attitude of I can do anything and everything because I am me.  Thankfully, it does rear it sweet head on occasion, so I know it's still there, it's just stifled by all the other junk in my heart.

Yesterday I realized I'm going to have to find that strong independence I was born with, that I work so well with, that allows my life to be clean, organized, run smoothly and is more enjoyable than staying weak in my circumstances.

At first I became all excited and fired up thinking, YES! I CAN do this!!!

Then I kinda freaked out thinking, WAIT! Can I do this???

Today will be my first attempt at weeding out weakness and finding my strength again.  Facing and dealing instead of ignoring and pretending.  Stepping up to make life what I had thought it would be 16 years ago.

Hopefully today is successful and ignites a spark. 

If not... well, let's just not go there.

Phil. 4:13~I can do all things through Christ Who gives me strength!