not up to par

just for the record, i hate golf.  it's not a real sport to me.  my apologies to any golf lovers out there.

and yes, i know this blog is already public.  my comments in the previous posts should have been more clear by saying i haven't 'advertised' this blog.  for those of you who have been sneaking and reading, you can stop already. ;)  just leave a comment. :)

today was a rough day... physically, mentally, spiritually...

the past few days i haven't been physically feeling well.  i think my blood pressure is up.  the dr thinks i'm nuts because you aren't supposed to be able to tell when your bp is up, but i can.  and i'm always right.  i've been a bit stressed this past week, and then because of the 'mental' roughness, i haven't been handling my children very well.  my hubby worked 16+ hours yesterday and ditto for today.  i'm used to him being gone, but i've really missed him and the kids have been okay, but i'm just very edgy.

that and i feel like i'm constantly going to puke today.  i think it's one too many gallons of arnold palmer's... ha.

mentally i have a ton going on in my brain.  besides the daily chores (of which i'm always behind) and the constant clutter (that i don't really want to face and clean up because i'm tired and lazy), and the bills (that are always a sore spot whether or not they are paid), and the kids (too much to list in a parenthesis) ;), my mind has been focused on other things lately...

1.  friends~ my lack of close friendships.  i have a few semi-close friends.  i have friends i could go to if i needed something.  i have acquaintances.  what i don't have is that deeper level of friendship.  i haven't had that in a very long time and i miss it.  and none of this includes my hubby.  he is my BESTEST friend ever!! :)  i'm talking about girl-friends. :)  but at the same time, i stink at friendships.  too many hurts in the past i guess. so i'm not sure i want close friendships.  now there's a mental puzzle for ya!

2.  the way i look~  my hair has gotten super long and i want to cut it.  however, i wear a ponytail 6 3/4 out of 7 days.  plus it's wavy.  short hair + wavy hair = a bush. so i don't know what to do.  i don't have the money to go to a super nice place to get it done (thank you great clips for the 4.99 coupons!).   i finally wore earrings again a few weeks ago for the first time in a year or so.  i used to wear 7 earrings all the time.  i loved it.  now i couldn't find enough matching earrings in my jewelry box to wear that many!  makeup...eh.  i wear it to church and if we go somewhere special.  i've always been the 'if you don't like me the natural way, then you have no business being my friend' kinda person. :)  that and i was never shown how to wear makeup so i feel dumb.  thankfully my baby sister is a princess and has given me tips. :)  and my weight.  ha.  a year ago i was proud of the weight i had lost, despite still being right near 200 lbs.  12 months and 1 baby later, i gained back all i had lost plus and extra 20 or 30...  it was the most i had ever gained in a pregnancy! (almost double of my 2nd child!).  so now 8 weeks postpardum, i'm back to the EXACT weight i was when i started weight watchers two years ago.  and i DO want to lose it and prove i can do it again, but at the same time, i have a LOT of doubt that i CAN do it again... UGH!  well, some days i'm not sure if it's doubt or pure exhaustion, but still...

3.  my house~why do i let it look as badly as it does?  besides making me look like a bad housewife, i know it's wrong to be so messy and disorganized.  it really does irritate me, but if it can't be perfect, then it has to be perfectly chaotic.  some of you will totally understand that. it doesn't bother me to go to someone else's house and it be a total wreck (or worse...i've seen it), but it drives me crazy about my own!   i can recite several verses that prove to me i need to be neater, but i can't get it to sink in.  i refuse to have people over, die at the thought of someone 'dropping' by, and feel very embarrassed and ashamed... all of which i hate!  if i just got up and DID it, it wouldn't be so cluttered.

those are the top 3 things mentally plaguing me this weekend.

as for not being spiritually up to par... well, that's going to have to wait for another post.  i'm just not up for that at the moment.

plus i haven't heard my daughter for a few minutes... that's NEVER a good thing!!