people... they are as bad as they seem...

I have to laugh every time I look through the 10 pics I posted...  Apparently my subconscious is missing food. :)  (For those of you who haven't read my recent posts, I'm working on a HUGE weight loss goal!).

And when you have 3 little constantly hungry monsters, food is usually a big part of the day anyway. :)


BUT that has nothing to do with this post.


One of the goals on my list is to 'Go to Small Groups'.  Almost four years ago, our pastors decided that instead of having a Sunday evening service, we would break off into smaller groups of people.  This idea had (and continues to be) used by many churches, and successfully I might add.


There is a biblical basis for this idea, the foundation coming from Acts 2:42~'And they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayers.'


Each year our pastor revisits the reason behind our church having small groups, and this message was shared with us this past Sunday.  I've heard this before, but I've always had a hardened heart.  This past Sunday was the first time I actually listened.


You see, small groups and I do not get along.


From the very first time he mentioned the idea, I hated it.  Yes, I know that's a strong word, but I'm sure I'm using it appropriately.


People make me nervous.  People irritate me.  People drive me insane, whether it's me worrying about how to act/look/be/think around them, or just them being stupid (well, stupid in my opinion). ;)


People were not my favorite growing up either.  They often hurt, disappointed, and failed me in many different ways.  


At least they have the characteristic of not changing...  ha.


And let's not get into all the 'psychiatric' reasons behind this either.  It boils down to my understanding that 'all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God'.  


I often wonder what God sees in people.  But since He loved them enough to send His Son to die for them, there must be some hope, right?


We're all sinners and we all have those bad traits and horrible tendencies, but thankfully we can be saved by grace and work on those issues! 


(something I often forget)


Okay, got off on a tad little bunny trail...


The point is, I wanted NOTHING to do with sitting in a smaller group of people, where you can't hide, and interacting with them on a more personal level.  


No thanks.


However, I decided to be the 'good little Christian' and give it a try.  At the time they started, Noah was 14 months old and I was pregnant with Ruby.  Enough said.  I spent that first year in tears after every small group, for various reasons.  Bryan also became frustrated because he didn't like seeing me cry over it.


At the start of the second year, I tried to stick with it.  I missed more often (having a 2 year old and newborn and often alone due to Bryan's work schedule), and just still different frustrations (let alone not wanting to be there).  Then one night after small group, Bryan said 'no more.'  


The rest of that second year we didn't go.  The third year, we tried to switch groups, but was left in the same group despite placing them lower on our request sheet, which left us not going the entire third year.  As others around me grew to love small groups and began building these new friendships, I became stagnant. 


I also felt very left out.


The intention is not to create cliques, but it happens anyway.  When everyone belongs to a clique but you, it makes you feel a bit like an outcast... even the 'weirdo' who doesn't have a small group.


The few face to face relationships I had dwindled to almost nothing.  My spiritual life suffered because it wasn't getting fed as often as before.  I felt more anger than enjoyment at the thought of going to church at all.


Yet the Holy Spirit wouldn't leave me alone.


Over the past few months, I had considered signing up again when the new groups were formed.  Bryan wouldn't budge.  It was totally uncharacteristic for him, especially since he is the social one.  I left it alone for a few weeks, then brought it up again.  That's when I discovered the reason he had us stop going in the first place.


I wish I could share, but it wouldn't be appropriate.  (don't you just hate me right now?)...  


Honestly, it's one of those things that should be handled privately and never shared with the public.  It wasn't the point of this post anyway.


I began praying about the possibility of signing up, and for a change in Bryan's heart.  We had several deep conversations about it, and on the last day we could sign up, he agreed.  We had to do some major compromising and come to a few 'if' decisions, but we filled out the form and turned it in.


God placed us in the group He wanted us in.  I need to remember that... NOT because I don't 'like' our group, but because it's interesting to see how He works over time...


I became crazy nervous waiting for the first meeting to arrive.  It didn't make any sense to be so nervous because I knew everyone in our group fairly well, and even some we are quite close to.  Flashbacks of small group before and the thought of being the 'newbies' in the group got to me and I couldn't stop the nerves.


Then we found out Bryan would be working, so it would be me and the three kids going.  That did not help the nerves.  I was determined to go.  It was something I felt God wanted us to do, and something I placed on our goals sheet to remind us of the importance of going.


I went.


Most of the families were returners with only a couple of us new groupies.  (like all those words?) ha.


It was a wonderful time.  (I could go into details, but I don't want anyone to think our first group was the opposite.  I LOVED {and still do} our first small group leaders, there were just specific issues that caused our discontentment.)


My mind and heart still have reservations.  I'm planning on hanging with it, and praying that God works in us in relation to small groups, and our new one in particular.  My attitude is still not acceptable whenever I speak or think of small groups, which is another thing I need to pray for.


Before you think I continue to be a 'people hater', thankfully I have changed quite a bit.  God has worked in me a lot since the beginning of small groups concerning relationships.  Since then I've built more, even a couple of close ones, I've destroyed a few, built one or two of those back, and overall I've really pushed myself to interact with people more, even those I've known for years and thought I'd never really get to know.


Overall, people still irritate me, but then again, I am irritating to others.  I try to see people through God's eyes and not my own.  I try to see them through His forgiveness and grace instead of through the sin they commit. 


Not easy...  


...but who said relationships were?




I'll update on small groups in a few months, just to make sure I'm sticking with my goal and sharing any growth I {will hopefully} have.




***i have no idea why this post doublespaced...  i don't have the patience to fix it right now... oh well...