out-sinning

There's a reason my blogs have been few and far between lately...  Just for this post I've gotten up four times since I opened the blogger page...  once for each kid, and once for the dogs.

It seems as soon as I SIT, a neon sign flashes saying 'bother mommy now.'  You know, like the 'applause' sign in a studio audience.

I could't sleep last night and I almost got up and blogged, but chose not to.  Maybe if I start doing it in the middle of the night, I can get more written! ;)

I've had a heavy heart this weekend, and so instead of starting at the top of my list of posts I want to write, I'm just going to start from my heart...

If you're my facebook friend, you may have noticed my status recently about how Satan brings up the past in order to tear down my present.  Obviously I'm struggling with the past.

Which, surprisingly, is odd...

but not odd...

If there's anyone who knows He loves me through every situation, it's me.  I've faced many different challenges from the sins of others to my own sins, and yet I've always known He loves me.

I also know I'm forgiven by Him.

I've always (as far back as I can remember anyway) had a lower opinion of myself.  {let's not get into the whole 'self-esteem' is real or not real argument, k?}  I've always been extremely hard on myself, pushing myself for the best, beating myself when I'm not (which is quite often), and very rarely forgiving myself, even for the slightest offense.

It got to the point a few years ago where I had to start telling myself {yes, outloud} that GOD has FORGIVEN me and that was the END.  I had to refocus my thoughts onto what was honest and true (thank you Phil. 4:8).  It started out as an exercise several times a day, until I was able to convince my heart that it was true.

But it is one of my many weaknesses.

...and Satan knows this...


He isn't stupid.  He's not going to attack our strong points.  Like any intelligent enemy, he studies and knows us and attacks at our weak points.  If he can conquer us in one weak area, then he can move on to the next, and so forth and so on...

I have an ugly past.  Most don't know my past, a few know some of my past, and less than that know more.

Sometimes I envy those who give their testimonies and say 'i had a great childhood, never fell into any major sins (haha, major), and lived for God my whole life.'

However, I don't stay envious long.  I've learned things from and about my Heavenly Father in ways they never will.  I've had experiences with Him that they never will because of the life He chose for me.  Of course, they can say the same thing.

You see, He loves us all, and is ever present and working in each of us all the time in many different ways.

Thankfully, He isn't finished with me.  I understand this means facing more difficulties and challenges that feel crushing at times, but because of my past and His goodness, I know without a doubt I can come out on the other side stronger and closer to Him than before.

I'm sure you're wondering then why I let past thoughts bother me.  Well, it's not like I suddenly decide to think about it.  Usually I avoid any and everything having to do with it.  I'm not stupid.  okay, sometimes I am... ;)

It isn't just thoughts.  Satan brings back a person involved in my past.  He brings back a tangible item that has only ever had to do with a difficult time with my life.  Even 'simple' things such as updating facebook privacy settings easily reminds me of WHY I have to keep myself hidden.

Ha. I totally just laughed at the last statement.  Something about the words FACEBOOK and HIDDEN just don't seem to go together! :)

My point is simply that I can keep certain people away from me and my info, which is only necessary because of my past.

Satan has been eating at my heart and mind especially the past week.  I've received handwritten notes and emails that have torn my heart.  I was reunited with a wonderful friend which is great, except it brought reminders as she helped carry me through an incredibly rough time in my life.  I received a phone call from someone whom I had to hang up on...  All in the last week.

REALLY?

I just want to know why.  Does Satan think I'm due for a breakdown?  Due for falling into sin?  Due for falling into depression (another weakness of mine).  Was I doing too good?

Ha.  Yet another statement I laughed at...  Please, please, don't think I'm trying to say I've been a good little Christian lately.  That is far from the truth!  I'm no where near where I should be in my walk with Christ!  However, I've not been 'living in sin' as good Southerners say... ;)

Today I had the privilege of going to church.  I was reminded all through the service of His grace, His love, His work in my life.  We sang Grace Greater than Our Sin as a choir/congregation combo.  Grace...  what a concept!

Within the sermon, God gave me two amazing verses to cling to today: I John 4:4 and I John 5:4-5..."Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world!" and "Whoever is born of God overcomes the world!  Faith is the victory!"

WOW!

He must love me in order to remind me that I AM FORGIVEN, I AM LOVED, I DONT' HAVE TO LIVE UNDER SATAN'S POWER BECAUSE MY GOD IS GREATER...

I came home to look up the history of that hymn, something I've always loved doing, and was disappointed that there really wasn't anything to say about it.

Then I thought, 'does it need an exciting background?'  The words alone are amazing.  No matter how much I sin, how deep I fall into sin, how I let sin affect my life, HIS GRACE IS GREATER!

I cannot out-sin His grace!

I cannot out-sin His grace!

Yes, I put it twice on purpose.  It's just such an awesome statement.

Such an awesome reminder to me!

I don't know why Satan is attacking me this way.  I don't know why God is allowing it.  I don't know how long it's going to last.  I don't know if this is a test I'm going to pass or fail.

I do know I don't have to fail.  He loves me enough to give me reminders of His presence, His love, His work in my life, and His reign over all.

There is nothing in my past that is too great for my present.

There is no sin in my life too great for his grace.

GRACE GREATER THAN OUR SIN
Marvelous grace of our loving Lord,
Grace that exceeds our sin and our guilt!
Yonder on Calvary’s mount outpoured—
There where the blood of the Lamb was spilt.

Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within,
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin!

Sin and despair, like the sea waves cold,
Threaten the soul with infinite loss;
Grace that is greater—yes, grace untold—
Points to the refuge, the mighty cross.

Dark is the stain that we cannot hide—
What can avail to wash it away?
Look! there is flowing a crimson tide—
Whiter than snow you may be today.

Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace,
Freely bestowed on all who believe!
You that are longing to see His face,
Will you this moment His grace receive?