Ten on Ten

My friend Kathy posted this idea she found and I LOVED it!  So today, I carried my camera around, and realized how much I've missed it!  The idea is to take and post ten pictures that narrate your day on the tenth of each month.

Today was an unusually busy day for me, so while sorting through the 63 pictures I took (yes, sixty-three!) it was hard to pick out just ten.

Oh, and before you think I had THAT exciting of a day, some of those 63 were ten or so of the same shot... I'm reallllly out of practice!

But, here you go.  Enjoy. :)  I had a TON OF FUN doing it! :)


I've had a sick, non-sleeping infant for 4 or 5 days now (I've lost count).  After maybe a total hour of sleep last night, this was definitely the first thing to start my day.  And yes, I had a few extra cups...

Between two kids with double ear infections, and a severely injured dog, this was step two of my morning...  The only thing missing was the Tylenol bottle that I had just emptied and threw away. :P

This is not to show off our ornament.  This is to show it's currently the only thing on the tree.  Seriously.  We had our tree up, then a friend called and asked to trade, so yesterday I took it down and swapped with her.  I gave away a tiny 3 1/2 ft tree, and received a 7 ft monster that took up 1/4 of our living room.  It was BEAUTIFUL, but just not doable.  So today, for the third time, I took the tree apart and more or less cut it in half.  After that, decorating it was not a desire I had.

Lunch.  My kids {and hubby} could live on this.  Good thing it's cheap.  

Between these two pictures I had a PTO meeting at Noah's school.  However, I didn't think standing outside a school taking pictures was the smartest thing to do.  Didn't want to come across as ... creepy...


SO, after the PTO meeting, I went to renew my license.  This is all you need to see of it.  Trust me.  But someone tell me, why in the world are they pink now??

This evening I kept a friend's kids... 3 wonderful, helpful, fun OLDER kids that are a blessing to watch!

Guests = Take out pizza.  Thank you Little Caesar's!  And FYI, I wanted a pic of the pizza with just one piece missing, but by the time I got to pick up the camera, one entire pizza was gone, and two slices from the second!  5 hungry kids and a hungry hubby tear through it pretty quickly! 

For something fun, I decided we could make cut out cookies and decorate them.  Because of my super busy day (and lack of baking skills), I just grabbed a tube of sugar cookies instead of making homemade.  BAD idea.  The cut outs swelled and melted together and made pans of one giant cookies.  So I quickly cut a few shapes out of the HOT cookie.  It worked. :)

They depleted FOUR batches of icing. :)  Love it.

And I had to go back and edit this and change my last photo.  This is my youngest, sleeping soundly at midnight.  The past 4 midnights he's been awake and screaming (until 4 or so in the morning).  So I HAD to add this sweet ending to my day.  Now off to bed and hoping he and I both get sleep tonight!

Join the fun next month!!! 

Read more about it! http://tenontenphotojournal.blogspot.com/

Zero

A couple of months ago, this thought suddenly popped into my head:

I'm going to die unless I lose this weight.


The specific moment I had that thought was not during a weight check, binging, exercising or really absolutely nothing to do with anything concerning weight loss.

It's always in the back of my mind lately though.

Due to six years of infertility, severe depression, and TONS of fertility medications, I gained a whopping amount of weight.  I gained more with my first pregnancy, but lost all the baby weight by 11 weeks postpartum.  I gained with my second pregnancy, and lost all that baby weight by 12 weeks postpartum.

I was back to the same number, unfortunately it was still a rather large number.

Between baby #2 and baby #3, two great things happened.  I bucked up and joined weight watchers with a friend.  I proceeded to lose 41 pounds.  I also had to start taking a medication, which had a side effect of appetite suppressant.

Then baby #3 surprised us (happily!), and suddenly my body went into revolt or something!  I started gaining weight faster than I ever had before.  I gained exactly 11 pounds my first 5 months of pregnancy... and NOT total, PER MONTH!!!  That was almost my total for my first pregnancy, and over my total for the entire second! I was outraged!

Here I had worked my tail off (almost literally) for the past 6 months, and suddenly that was all thrown out the window?!?!  Once I passed my beloved '41', I started crying in the doctor's office.  I asked her what in the world was going on, and the answer she gave me made total sense, but was totally laughable:  because I had lost so much weight just prior to getting pregnant, my body didn't know how to respond to the new hormones and began gaining weight twice as fast.

Really?  I was being punished for losing weight??

Her second answer:  my hormones had collided with my medication and they didn't agree.  the hormones took over the medication and turned them against me.

What was this?  Some sick 'we gotta maker her fat again' war going on in my body?

It didn't matter what I did, I continued to gain.

At my 6 month check, I had dropped to *only* gaining 6 pounds.  And 6 it was for every single month til baby 3 made his entrance.

Alright, I thought.  Now baby is out, and this *many* pounds I've gained will be gone in 12 weeks.

WRONG.

In the first 12 weeks I had only lost maybe 7 of the baby pounds.  Then I gained a few back, lost one, gained a few more, lost one... you get it.

I could spend a week eating only veggies and working out 2 hours a day to only end in losing zero (and some weeks I even GAINED).

I got the same results if I sat around all day and ate nothing but pizza and junk.

Here I am 7 months out and I've gotten nowhere.

I admit my motivation the past few months has been at level zero.

And this was after the thought above had popped into my head.

My motivation seems to be at zero in almost every area of my life the past few months.  Even if I do what is right (daily time in the Word, prayer, priorities) it doesn't seem to matter.  I just can't find that I care the way I should be... the way I need to.

Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE my family with my whole heart.  My hubby and kids are the world to me.  I don't WANT to die, but if I don't lose this weight then I can't be surprised if it does kill me.

Goodness, shouldn't that be motivation enough?

If you're reading this, and you pray, please pray for me to have the motivation I need.  Pray I figure something out soon...

... part 2

She got her stitches out on Sunday.  

She fell down 12 wooden basement stairs on Thursday.

Thursday was Thanksgiving.

Thankfully, almost all damage was to her face and head.

Well, not really thankfully, but at least nothing was broken.

I need to make time to actually write a REAL blogpost.  

Maybe then it won't be so filled with my little daredevil and all her owies...

Goodness.

...

I'm not sure I really need to say anything for this post.

But, I'm going to.

First of all, in this picture, she is missing one of the five stitches.  

She pulled it out herself.

If I felt like it, I would post a second picture.

The second picture would be of her missing two of the five stitches.

She pulled another one out today.

The doctor and nurse who did the sutures thought I was stupid for asking 

if she would be able to take them out.

But I didn't feel stupid, because I knew.

She cried MAYBE a total of 30 seconds through this entire incident.

One of my many qualities I'm actually glad she inherited.

I love her and I'm thankful for her.  

Despite having two boys, my life would be SUPER dull without her in it.  

That's just who she is.  

That's just how God made her.

And I'm thankful he created her this way because I know

there will always be an adventure happening in our lives!

Selfishly Doing Our Part

Recently, my hubby and I decided to make Mondays 'screen free' days.

To our family, this will mean that both TV's and the computer will be unplugged (literally) from Sunday night until Tuesday morning.  Unplugged, because otherwise they still use electricity when plugged in, despite being off.

Now some of you may be thinking, "Good for them!  We all need less TV in our lives!"

Or maybe, "Every family needs more focused family time!"

Or maybe even, "Good job in conserving energy and helping out our planet!"  Every little bit helps, right?

Well, sorry to disappoint you, but none of the above reasons were our primary reason.  Yes, they were bullet points to our main reason, but in all honesty, we are simply being selfish.

Maybe that's a bit harsh?

Our main reason for doing so is to help cut down on our electric bill.  Obviously with less sunlight during the winter, this means more lights on in the home for a longer time.  We are hoping by cutting out just one day, that our electric bill won't skyrocket like every winter.

Like most people, we are 'hurting' for money.  We have slowly been digging ourselves out of the first eleven years of our marriage and debt that incurred with that, but still have a long way to go.  Bryan's last payment for his summer job comes in mid-September, and from then til June we struggle, living mostly paycheck to paycheck.  Often by February our bills even begin to fall behind, due to the higher gas and electric bills during winter.

We're hoping with my new job with Tastefully Simple (www.tastefullysimple.com/web/aking3), that the little bit of income will help keep the bills from falling behind.  So far, all income has gone back into the business, but we have seen improvement in profit and parties, so that's encouraging!

Like my plug? :) Ha.

Until then, grocery shopping slows to once every 6-8 weeks, furnace is kept as low as possible, and candles are used not only as mood setters and fragrancing the house, but to help keep the lights off just a bit longer.

Which is where our idea of screen free Mondays came from.  Every little bit helps.

And as positives, we do experience less boob tube time, the more focused family time, and a tiny part of conserving energy for the planet (even though I think this is pointless.  another post for another time.)  :)

So far we've had two of these Mondays.  Ruby is having it the hardest since she has recently discovered Dora on Netflix.  Noah is having the easiest time, and has been the biggest cheerleader for it, which surprised us both.  Bryan and I enjoyed the first one, but after a trying day yesterday, all we wanted to do was veg in front of the tv and let our brains turn to mush.

Don't worry, we didn't give in. He just went to bed at 9, and Zane and I played til 11.  (Can you tell which of us is addicted to the TV the most?). ;)

I'm looking forward to more though.  I feel so much more motivated, the kids and I dance to music ALL day long, and we just enjoy each other.

Well, except when little sisters pick and pick and pick then shove us and we shove back, resulting in 5 stitches for her forehead...  :P  (blogpost for later)

Maybe the more focused family time isn't the best idea??

Ha.

My attempt at Flash Fiction

So I'm a few weeks late to answer a challenge given by a fellow blogger to write a flash fiction story in 300 words or less.  I shied away from it, simply because of how long it's been since I've written any fiction at all.  But as I read the creativity that flowed from my friends, stories began forming in my mind.  Clips here in there of beginnings to another place where I was the creator, the author, the controller of the lives and circumstances of others.


After ignoring it for as long as possible (and honestly not having the time), I'm gonna give it a shot.  Forgive me.


****True Forgiveness****


The harder she swept, the harder the wind blew against her.


With broom in hand, she began sweeping faster, determined to remove the debris.  Her hands became hot and she knew there would be blisters. 


The wind refused to die down or change direction.  With each stroke of the broom, the wind counteracted by pushing the dirt back in her face.


Tears began stinging her eyes, threatening to fall.  It was a resemblance of her life recently.  She had stumbled and fell into sin, and although she had asked forgiveness from her Savior and those involved, people couldn't let it go.  

There were some who knew the truth, and some who knew only rumors, yet both treated her as if she was an outcast.  She was invisibly marked with a sign she was forced to carry.  Forgiveness and repentance meant nothing to those in her world.  They continued to throw her sin back in her face as forceful as the wind pushing back the dirt she so desperately tried to get rid of.

She had often looked back at that time and wondered who she had been.  She couldn't understand even now how she could have fallen so far into such a wretched sin.  A habit that was so difficult to be loosed from, and so easily denied. 

The pain she had caused another person could never be undone. 

Neither could the pain she had caused herself.

She knew there would be healing, but it would be a far time away.  With every angry word and reminder from those who chose not to forgive nor understand, the healing seemed farther and farther.  The wounds deeper.

She squeezed her eyes shut and refused the tears.

"In His name, I am forgiven!", she shouted to the wind.

It should be all that mattered.

Dear Malachi...

One year ago today, God brought you into this world.

One year ago today, I began praying for you and your family.

One year ago today, God started using you to change my life.


I don't know what caused my heart to fall in love with you.  I didn't know you from any other child born that day.  I don't even know your parents.  I was drawn to them as well, because they attended the same college I did, though several years apart.  I simply knew relatives of your parents, and upon their request to pray for you that day, you became part of my life.

The day you were born, my daughter turned 17 months old.  In the numbers of life, 17 months can seem insignificant.  But the fact that you were born on her DAY made it significant.

You see, I would always remember your anniversaries... 1 month, 2 months, etc.  which is why I can't forget today.

But the importance of the day wasn't only for my memory, it was for the lessons I was going to learn.

My daughter is a sweetheart.  She is beautiful.  She is the second born, having an older brother, and recently a younger brother.  Despite these encouraging qualities, she is also a spitfire.  She is stubborn, independent, hard headed, and some days, an all out nightmare.  She is the total opposite of her brothers...

My patience with her is tested daily, sometimes several times a day.  I love her with all my heart, but some days I just had to get away from her.

Your sweet mommy and daddy began a blog just for you, updating with words, pictures, and even videos. Every day I would check your blog, praying as needed, and when there wasn't an update, praying anyway.

My spitfire daughter started ending up in my lap during my Malachi time.  She was not a gentle child at the time, preferring to put her baby dolls in the litter box and play with the tonka trucks instead.  We had just found out we were pregnant around the time you were born, and we were genuinely worried for the new baby.

For the first time I could remember, she would just sit on my lap and look at your pictures, watch your videos, wave and chat to you and Emma, and when I wasn't checking up on you, she would ask to see you.  It became a daily routine for her too.  It also became a time I could get her to sit quietly on those days she drove me insane.  As the months went by, I'm pretty sure she loved you as much as I did.

She had genuine concern for you, knowing you were sick.  She prayed for you in her little voice, with her limited knowledge of words.  Her heart became soft when she saw you or heard about you.

God used your life to teach me to love my daughter for who He created her to be.  Not to be thankful for the health of my children (which I am daily), nor the fact that He has allowed me to have each of them with me still, but He used your life to open my eyes and love her like she is, and not look down on her or dislike her because she isn't what I thought she should be.

It was one of many lessons I learned while praying for you...

I don't know God's specific intentions in creating you with the difficulties He allowed.  I don't know why He chose for you to only be here a short time.  But I know the lives you touched and changed for His glory.

On April 20, we welcomed our third blessing into our family.  We were still nervous about how our daughter would be with him.  When she came to the hospital, she looked at him, and we saw a tenderness in her we had only seen her have with you.  She was gentle with him from the very beginning, and soon became a sweet, loving, gentle little mommy to him and her baby dolls.  We were shocked, and thankful.

When I heard of the decision to allow you to fall asleep in Jesus' arms, I was angry.  I was sad for you and your family, I was angry with God for allowing this, even angry with the decision itself, even though I didn't understand the full extent of your hardship and pain.  My heart knew what was best for you, but the thought of you being gone, caused my heart to ache.  I can't imagine the hurt your mommy and daddy were feeling...

When I heard of your passing, I cried.  I didn't understand.  I still don't.  But I know there are things of God we aren't supposed to know right now.  I have to trust Him, knowing He created you the perfect way He wanted you, so you could bring glory to Him.

Two days after you were gone, my daughter turned 2 years old.  It was a bittersweet day for me, knowing how you had impacted HER life, and how God used you to show me how to love her the way she deserved.  I don't know if she will remember you, but someday I will remind her of you and share with her how God used you in both of our lives.

Tears flow as I write this, thinking of how I have changed, all because you were born one year ago today.  I'm praising God for allowing you to be here, even though for a short time.  I'm thankful you are spending your first birthday with him, complete and pain free.

I look forward to meeting you one day, and giving you the hug I've always wanted to share.

And I'll continue to pray for your mommy and daddy, knowing they miss you tons more than I.

God is good, and His ways are perfect.  In this I trust!

With Love,
Amy and Ruby

Impossible is NOT a Word

All that is necessary to break the spell of frustration is this: Act as if it were impossible to fail."
– Dorothea Brande


My beautiful children had me up way early this morning, which is not only odd for a Saturday, but it's odd for them to be up before 9 ANY day! {secretly mommy is happy because it should mean even the oldest will take a nap today... maybe} ;)


However, since baby still had a rough night, I am tired.  So I decided to start my day on the computer, which rarely happens.


I logged on to facebook this morning, and one of my sweet aunts had the quote above as her status.  It caught my attention because of one word: IMPOSSIBLE.


I have crazy feelings about that word.  In fact, I'm pretty sure if you can hate a word, that would be the word I hate.


I grew up being pushed to be a perfectionist (and since it was in my blood, it was also a natural tendency for me).  Therefore, impossible was not an acceptable response or attitude towards anything.


However, like most imperfect humans, IMPOSSIBLE was often a possibility, even a choice.  I HATED it.  If I do everything 'right' and put in the hard work and effort, then impossible should not be an option for the outcome.


As I grew into an adult, and life became... life... impossible seemed to be MY word.  I gave in to it too.  I allowed it to be an acceptable outcome, and acceptable choice.


But of course, instead of it making life easier, it made life harder.  It became too easy to get out of things, to not try, to compromise right and wrong.  


The past few months, God has been teaching me that IMPOSSIBLE IS NOT A WORD.  I've known the verse 'With God all things are possible' since as far back as I can remember.  He's really been teaching me the meaning of this verse.  


It doesn't mean that everything I try and want and desire will happen.  It CAN happen if that's God's will for me.  If I'm in His will, then my wants and desires will be His, and the possibilities are endless and amazing!


The above quote also reminded me of a song He's been playing for me recently: What Faith Can Do by Kutless.  


Specifically this line:  "It doesn't matter what you've heard, impossible is not a word, it's just a reason for someone not to try".


This morning it was a crazy, perfect timing, eye opening realization for me.  


"I can do all things through Christ Who gives me strength!"


I shouldn't let fear, uncertainty, feelings of inadequacy tell me that something is impossible.  If it is what God is calling me to do, encouraging me to do, then impossible is not a word.

A Bad Friend

I thought making a goal of at least 3 posts a month was feasible...  apparently not.  September has come and gone and I'm just now able to catch my breath and sit down to write.

I HAVE to write.  I was up a lot last night with blog posts running through my head.  I guess I should say the Holy Spirit had me up a lot last night burdening my heart with issues I don't want to deal with but will have to if I put them in writing.

I have two big issues right now I need to blog about, and wasn't sure which one to start with until this morning.  I was confronted again with yet another situation concerning friendship so I guess I'll start there.  Then as I was driving around and thinking about what to write, I realized these two things are linked.

Interesting.

If you ask anyone who has ever been close to me, they may advise you NOT to get close to me.  Granted, that would make only 2 or 3 in the last 11 years, but that's not the point.  You see, I have Bad Friend Syndrome.


I'm hoping not all of you are surprised.

I have always been a shy person, but I do love making friends.  I {secretly love} people.  There have only ever been a handful of people that I just can't get along with.  I enjoy encouraging people, helping people, and knowing all about someone.


That's not a bad friend??  I know.  I'm getting there...

My issue is when a friend gets 'too close'.  There is a point in my relationships that I purposefully (yet subconsciously) sabotage my friendships.  I've done it with every close friendship I've had since I was 16 years old.  I end up hurting my friend, whom I truly love deeply, and crying and regretting it for years to come.

I was very good at it in college.  I can give you a few names of dear friends that I completely destroyed our relationship.  They just got too close.

When I moved to Ohio, I allowed my pride and shyness to reign and didn't make many friends at all, let alone close ones.  I kept to myself.  People made me nervous so I stayed away.

Of course after being here 11 years, I have made friends.  I've even made a few close friends.  And yes, I've already sabotaged and destroyed those relationships.  I told you, I have Bad Friend Syndrome and I'm good at it.

Thankfully God has put those people into my life for a reason, and despite my attempts at destruction, has brought about healing in a couple of those friendships.  Sadly, not all.

Some I've hurt to the point of no repair.  Not that it isn't possible, just that it hasn't happened.  A couple due to no effort on my part, a couple due to no forgiveness on theirs.  It's understandable.

Last year I was told I was a mean friend.  Sounds a bit elementary-ish doesn't it?  But it was totally true.  I was going through an incredibly difficult time in my life, I was on the receiving end of a mean friend, I was lost in areas and fighting in others, and because of one night of meanness, I was labeled a mean friend.  This person didn't know what I was going through.  They just knew I'm a 'tough' hermit type person, and therefore releasing my anger was apparently natural.

But it wasn't at that time.  It was the result of pain and confusion.

However, I am a mean friend.  If you don't believe me, just try to get close to me.  It's like hugging a porcupine.  Really.

I don't WANT to destroy my close friendships.  I don't WANT to be mean.  So then... why do I do it?

That's what I'm trying to figure out...

I'm not digging into the whole psychological realm of why we subconsciously do things.  I have a pretty good idea of why, due a situation with my BFF my senior year of high school.

What I want to figure out is how to STOP doing it.  How do I get past that barrier in my relationships and allow someone to get close to me.  I don't usually let it bother me, but the past few weeks it has been a knife in my chest.  It just won't stop hurting.

I am not lovable.

And I can't be the friend I should be if I in return can't be lovable.

It makes my heart heavy...

Praying on how to change this...

Not in Sync

I should be cleaning.

That pretty much sums up the last week or two.  My house hasn't looked this messy is a LONG time, yet I can't find the motivation to clean it.

I wouldn't even say 'motivation'... I invited a friend to come over tomorrow because that always motivates me to clean (so I don't look like a TOTAL slob), but nope.

It's more like I don't care.  Apathy.  A very ugly word that can have some very ugly consequences.

There's just so much in my brain lately that even the smallest thing is overwhelming.  So instead of dealing with that small thing, I just ignore it...  next thing I know, that one small pile of laundry has mutated into ten piles sitting around every where in the house with ten more behind it needing washed.

and laundry is just a small thing...

I know my heart is a bit out of sync too.  I like that word, sync...  It came back into my vocabulary over the weekend, and has gone from my tech device to making me think of my relationship with God.  I've been neglecting Him lately, and the result has been....  well... bad.

I realized over the weekend, that I can sync my device to my friends and it will tell me many details, including a GPS of their location at a touch of a button (kinda scary if you think of it!).  In order to operate it, I have to choose the friend I want to sync with, and spend a couple of minutes to set it up, then after that I can contact (or stalk I guess) in a matter of seconds.

Even though that may not be the smartest idea for our human race, to have any type of system to locate anyone at anytime for any reason, I like how it SHOULD be in my relationship with God.

I always know where He is.  I can contact Him in a matter of seconds about anything.  But it does take EFFORT.  I have to put something into it in order to sustain the relationship.

And I haven't been doing that lately...

I was awake early this morning, and picked up my smartphone and clicked on the Bible I downloaded (because I'm all holy like that! ;)  ha, no it was really so I would have one less thing to carry in and out of church).  I sat and looked at all the books of the Bible and had no idea where to go.  I just knew I needed something.  So I chose Philippians... definitely at the top of my list of favorites.  I memorized the whole book in college and it really carried me through some tough times back then.  But that was in KJV and reading well known passages in a new version is always eye opening to me, so I picked ESV (because it was leftover from Pastor's message yesterday). boy, laziness has really been pouring out of me in many areas lately!

Nothing really jumped out at me.  Then as I reread the first chapter, I was slightly twinged (i.e. convicted) by two phrases... verse 10: 'so that you may approve what is excellent'.  Yes, I know this is not in the context of housework, but the word excellent always catches my attention because it used to be a 'prize' for me.  I loved doing anything and everything to the point of excellence.  I can guarantee my house is no where near that word right now...

The other phrase was in verse 27: 'let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ'...  everything I do, including keeping a clean house, should reflect Christ.  I'm pretty sure the last salesman to knock on my door did not think Christ lived here, between the mess and the fighting children and the frazzled mommy.  I shouldn't keep a clean home just for sanitary reasons, but because it shows that I am taking care of the things God has blessed me with.

The THINGS...  not only do I need to work on that area, but the area that really counts, the HEARTS.  Obviously my heart first, so that I can show my children what their hearts should look like.  That's way more important than the house, and I know I've been failing them in the area of their hearts lately.

Now to put in the effort.

Hopefully I've found a bit of a start...

A jumbled tired mess of words...

I don't really have anything interesting to say.  I'm simply avoiding getting the day started.  Just feeling kinda blah and 'eh' and a lot on my mind. My mind is a jumbled as the items in this picture (which is one of my favorite pictures lately).  I walked by this one night after the kids went to bed, and the collage of odd items in a semi-pattern just struck me.  

Okay, stop laughing at me...



My daughter is trying to make me have a heart attack at 32.  Which with my enormous size and failure to lose ANY weight lately makes a heart attack quite likely.  I love her though... maybe because she reminds me so much of myself.  Some days that is a scary thing.

My husband has been experiencing worse symptoms from his TIA last winter.  After months of bugging him to go to the new neurologist I finally gave up.  Then last week he came to me and asked me to help him get an appointment.  He finally admitted things were getting worse, and they must be for him to ask AND follow up by getting all of his records to send to the new doctor.  The neurologist he was seeing was convinced it was MS, despite several tests showing negative results for MS.  Instead of looking for another diagnosis, he still wanted to treat him for MS: painful daily treatments in the form of shots, which would cost at least $1000/month after insurance.  But MY issue was him getting treated for something he most likely doesn't have, and the real problem will continue to get worse.  I've really been praying for God to give the new doctor wisdom and concern.  He's too young to lose what he's starting to lose...

My oldest son is starting Head Start next week.  It's a HUGE deal for me, because I never thought I'd be sending my child to school.  I've always planned on homeschooling, but the offer of free speech therapy is much needed for him.  I'm still homeschooling him at home because he's academically farther ahead than the Head Start program, but I think it will be good for him in many areas.  I'm even excited about finding out things I can get involved in with other moms in my community and other programs to help him out (and possibly my daughter, who the HS teacher says may need speech too).

My youngest son is growing too quickly.  Enough said.  

I have a very dear friend having surgery in two days, and I'm scared for her.  I'm usually all about the 'surgery procedure is cool' and into the whole process for scientific reasons, but this time I wish I didn't know what I do know.  I believe this is necessary for her to have done, but I want to cry every time I think of the details. I haven't told her this and I try not to talk details with her because I want to scream 'DON'T DO IT!'.  I know she NEEDS it done and will be okay... just my very rare fear of something for someone I love. (And I'm 99% sure she doesn't read this, so I'm not worried).  I've never had something bother me so much.  I'm not trying to be self-focused either.  I know this isn't about me at all.  It's about her and that is breaking my heart because I love her so very much.  So I'm praying and clinging to my Father that He knows best and He is in 100% control of it all, and I will do whatever I can for her.

That's my jumbled up heart today.  Now to tuck it aside and get the day going...

Hugs from Strangers

I've been trying to write this post for two weeks now (okay, now make it three...).  Been a little crazy working on some bigger projects as well as cleaning for my first ever Tastefully Simple party.  This will be the third 'people gathering' I've had at my home this summer...  more than the last 10 years combined (nope, not kidding).  I'm starting to like having people over, and starting to be okay with the fact that my house isn't as huge, nicely decorated, or up-to-date as some of my other friends.  I always grew up with the idea of 'come to see me, not my house', but pride stepped in the way after I realized my 'things' aren't near as nice as others.  Working on that...

But that's neither here nor there with what I intended to write about.

Two weeks ago I went to a Tastefully Simple meeting designed just for consultants.  My team leader wanted me to come because I've been considering becoming a consultant.  This was the big Autumn meeting, where consultants were able to taste new fall products and learn about new changes for the fall.

The fact that I went was a monumental thing in and of itself.  I've never liked big 'group' things (okay, or small ones), but I really don't like going when I don't know anyone.  I didn't technically even 'know' my team leader... I'd met her once, and talked to her a few times to set up the party I was hosting.  But for some odd reason, (like maybe God's prompting?) I was very interested in becoming a consultant.  So I went...

I got there a bit early, and somewhat boldly walked into the building.  I stood for a bit, trying to decide if I should talk to someone... I wasn't even sure I recognized my team leader!  As I waited and tried to make myself not run out the door, people began arriving... and coming up to talk to me... and even HUGGED me and said they were glad I was there!

The meeting was in a church rec room, so I thought maybe these were the church ladies??  Or maybe they all knew each other and knew I was new??  I didn't understand... But the friendliness and hugs and even conversation was amazing!  All from strangers!  As the meeting got going, I realized these ladies were from all over columbus, and only each team knew their own members.  They were meeting new people as well, and even though they knew I wasn't a consultant, they included me in everything.

I went through the meeting feeling like I had been there forever, like I had known these ladies forever.  We ate, talked, laughed, pondered and listened together. It was nice, but it was odd...

...simply because it made me think about my church friends.  Those I've known and gone to church with for the last eleven years.  ELEVEN years.  Yet some I've known that long and I'm still only on an acquaintance level of friendship.  Some I've known less, and still don't really know them.

Why is that??  Yes, I'm shy, not a people person, intimidated easily, etc., but why am I not close to those God has placed in my immediate church family??  I only remember one or two instances when someone from church came up and hugged me and welcomed me without really knowing me.  Why is that?

And I'm the same way.  Or I used to be.  I had a very bad habit of comparing myself to others: what I wore, how I acted, if I was a good enough Christian, if my home was as good as someone else's.  It got to the point where I even believed my infertility was God telling me that I would never be as good of a mother as some of those in our church.

The last few years I've been pushing myself to make friendships.  The real kind.  The kind where you call (okay, text) any time of day or night, can drop by unexpected and they don't care, or vice versa.  The kind back in high school we used to call best friends.  I have finally built my list up to four.  I have four people in my life that fit this criteria.  Friendships that have taken a lot of work, a lot of heartache, and a lot of uncertainty, but in the end each of these friendships are more than worth it.

And I don't want it to stop at four.  I want to be the example at our church of someone who will smile, talk to you, introduce myself, and yes, maybe even hug you.  I've got a ways to go, but I'm thinking this is something God wants me to do... wants all of us to do!  He designed us to have relationships, especially with others part of His church.

Some days I'm excited and some days I'm not.  Yesterday at church was one of those 'nots'...  I got there late (actually this time unintentionally) and ran out of there pretty quickly.  I DID sit by some friends though (since hubby wasn't there) instead of sitting alone like usual.  But there were new people there and I didn't take the time to welcome them...

Still a long way to go...

But at least now I'm willing!

Blue is not my favorite color

No, it isn't.  Green is.  Dark Green to be specific.  I don't know why... what makes someone like one color over another?  I'm sure there is a scientific psychological answer out there, but for this post, I really don't care.

Blue is actually my second favorite color.  Dark blue.  Unfortunately that seems to be where I'm at right now...  feeling 'blue', in a 'dark' place...  Anyone close to me isn't going to be surprised.  It's a struggle I've fought all my life. This time is different... in a good way (finally!).

I heard the other day that 80% of moms will experience postpartum depression.  It seems kind of high to me, but I'm not a doctor, or person who has apparently polled all new moms.  I honestly never worried about it with Noah, simply because I've always battled depression... how could this be any different?  So I went on a blind new mommy, learning, fumbling, crying, and rejoicing at little things through his first year.

Then came Ruby.  My pregnancy with her was so different... SHE was such a different baby inside.  After she was born, I hit a roller coaster of emotions.  The new change to having two, having the second one be completely opposite in every way to the first, the digestive issues she struggled with, and a husband working crazy hours and gone most of the time was tossed into the hormones and made one prize-winning soup!

By the time she was four months old, I was in a pit.  I hadn't been there in a long time, and this was my first experience while having children.  To save myself some embarrassment I'll leave out most of the details.  But at times it got scary... never towards my children, but only towards myself.  One day I put both kids in the van and started driving.  I drove all day with no destination in mind.  Thankfully two friends stepped in that day and I eventually returned home and even realized I needed intervention.

Less than a year later I was pregnant with Zane.  He was our first surprise, and a WONDERFUL one at that!  Amazingly, my pregnancy with him was different from the first two.  However, most of the 39 weeks I spent worrying.  Was I hurting my baby?  How would this affect him?  How am I going to handle that stupid postpartum junk?

You see, this time I've been expecting it.  With all three kids there's been a 'start' time to the downward spiral into the pit.  When I look back I can see it.  Right around the time the babies are three months old, and the hormones are 'settling' back to normal (or a new normal in my opinion), the depressions hits.  I know it is a hormonal imbalance mixed with a chemical imbalance in my brain.  I've become very knowledgeable on the subject in the past year and a half simply because I'm the type that has to know information, especially if it concerns something being 'wrong' with me.

Just like expected, the down time started.  It's steadily progressed downward the past couple of weeks and I can see the tougher times coming very soon.  The difference is expecting it helps incredibly!

Yes, I'm down, but I can tell myself: " don't do anything stupid or impulsive (that last one is a hard one for me anytime!).  remember it will be over soon and things will be okay.  just hang in there and ask God to get you through it."

The past few days I've really had to pray and push through it.  For some reason, driving away becomes a strong desire when I'm down.  Thankfully I was able to visit a friend this week who lives a bit farther away.  I also have a trip to Indiana tomorrow with just the kids and I, so that will definitely help.

At home, nothing interests me.  Many things go undone (not that cleaning has ever been the highlight of my days anyway). ;)  The kids end up watching way more TV than they should and eating less healthier meals than usual.  I can go for days without leaving the house or taking a shower, and it doesn't phase me at all (of course I've gotten accustomed to days between showers...). :P  I'm absolutely fine to not talk to any friends either.

But I don't want it to be this way.  Since I expected it this time, I'm able to put more effort into not letting it affect me as much.  I want to keep up on the house (because I know what it's like when I get way behind... ugh), I want to play with my kids and feed them healthy meals and snacks, I want to talk to and be with friends who encourage me.  I'd add my hubby to the list as well, but since he's rarely here that one becomes a hard thing.  I want to get out of the house and enjoy the outdoors that I love!

Right now I can say I'm halfway winning the battle... that's a lot better than usual.  But I'm frustrated today.  I'm losing today.   Ugh.

I need to spend more time in prayer today.  That's definitely the best thing I can do.

soft words

When I went to bed Sunday night, I was so burdened with how I am with Ruby.  Most of the day is spent disciplining her and talking roughly, threateningly, and yes, sometimes yelling...  I even wondered if she knows how much I do love her.

This morning, before she woke up, knocking on her door to be 'released' (her door is broken so she can't open it alone), I prayed that God would give me soft words towards her today.  That He would help my speech be kind, loving, but still firm.  And I prayed for patience... (I think I repeated that one a few times...).  I want to show Christ to her through my words and actions, and I know I haven't been doing that lately.

I want my words to her reflect my heart for her, and not the frustration she causes.  God was really pressing that on me.

She not only looks like me, she has my stubborn, determined, independent personality.  Sometimes I'm proud of that, but most of the time it irritates me.  Like looking in a mirror and seeing what I still haven't changed even as an adult.  That makes me think: if I act like her in my everyday life, how does God deal with me?  He has corrected me (more times than I'd like to mention), and sometimes there were severe consequences, yet I always knew He loved me.  I always felt His comforting presence, not a condemning one.

I prayed I would treat her the same way, no matter how many times I had to discipline her that day.

And then a few hours later, she fell and broke her nose.  My tough, go-getter, determined girl was screaming in real pain for the first time in her life.  She was so very pitiful.  While driving her to the doctor, I actually thought, 'maybe God allowed this so she would be pitiful and it would be easier for me to speak kindly to her'.  ha.  that's sad. :P  It's also the thought of a very frustrated, what-to-do-with-her, mommy.

She fell asleep on the way to the doctor, and upon arriving was right back into her happy, stubborn self.  Her nose was obviously hurting, but it didn't slow her down.  The doctor and nurses were amazed.  I was a bit disappointed. At least ACT like it hurts so the doctor doesn't think I'm nuts. I then realized, even if she had broken her leg, she still probably would have been wreaking havoc on the office as best as she could...

Her nose is broken, and although a bit more whiny and clingy than usual, she is still into everything, climbing as high as she can and jumping off, pushing her big brother's buttons, and using her nose to make me want to puke.  (I have quite a high pain tolerance, but injuries to the nose make me want to vomit).  She has discovered this and uses it against me.  ICK!

By the time I medicated her (again) and tucked her into bed, I had learned something.  Yes, she is a sinner (quite a good one in fact).  Yes, I need to correct her SIN, but not her personality.  God made her stubborn, determined and independent because He has plans for her that require her to be this way.  He created her this way for His glory and His purpose.  My job isn't to change that, it's to teach her to use it for Him.

So I will bite my tongue when I want to yell, catch my words when they are unkind, and use the Word to help convict her and teach her what is right.

Hopefully she doesn't make me die young, like I often say, so I can see what God does with her someday! :)

Time to Feast

This is my adorable nephew Bailey at his first birthday last year.  He was totally into the cake!  Literally!! :)  He will be two in a week, and Aunt Amy is working on designing his next cake to feast on. :) Love my nephew! ♥

It's amazing how after finally making this blog that I have very little to say.  Seems to work that way... some days I have more words than can be said in a day, while other days I'm happy to sit in silence (well, with Ruby, there's never a time mommy can be silent). ;)  Kind of a feast or famine with my words and thoughts.

It's also been that way for us financially the past few years.  Most of the time it's been famine.  The past year has been the hardest of all, at times not even having money for groceries.  Thankfully Ramen Noodles are cheap and my kids love them. :)

It's been a mixture of reasons... I could blame the economy like everyone else.  I could blame it on the state of Ohio and their crazy rules for P.E. Teachers, leaving my hubby at a charter school where pay isn't much compared to district schools.  I could blame it on OSU, saying teachers HAD to have a Master's and would be getting a great job in Ohio just shortly after graduating (that was 6 years ago).  I could blame it on a lot of different things.  These things do have their fair share of helping us be in the famine stage, but we are the real culprits.

We spent years spending money we didn't have, until we realized we were so far in debt in was ridiculous.  After hitting rock bottom (and maybe a bit below that), we finally went to one of our pastors for help.  We spent several weeks working with him and other professionals and learned one major thing: we were in debt over our heads and then some.  Thankfully with the help of our pastor, we began learning self-discipline with our finances.  In just the first month alone, I turned into a 'if it's not the best deal we're looking elsewhere' when it came to EVERYTHING!  From grocery shopping to internet (we gave up cable a few months before this) to gas companies and fighting credit cards.

Our original goal wasn't to become debt free.  That was so far out there to us that we were sure we'd be old and gray and still paying off debt.  We've changed our outlook though.  After becoming very disciplined and putting in much effort we've already been seeing our debt reduced.  In the past 9 months we've been able to pay off one large debt, and next week will be paying off another.  We will be 1/3 less in debt than a year ago!!  We have now seen it IS POSSIBLE to be rid of our debt (okay, the mortgage is not included in any of this). ;)

Right now we are in our 'feasting' time.  Bryan's summer job brings us great blessing as an added income and as of next week will finish paying off that 2nd debt.  By the end of the summer we hope to have the next debt in line reduced by 25%.

During this time it's also easy to get in the mindset of getting things we've gone without the past few months.  Things we CAN live without but have missed (like starbucks.  yes, it's ridiculously overpriced, but i'm addicted.  now i can go there and just sit w/o purchasing anything.  it's a nice quiet hour away for mommy). Basically, things we want and don't necessarily need.  We keep reminding ourselves of how far God has brought us.  We've learned the importance of being good stewards with our money and through that we want to continue glorifying Him by getting rid of our debt.

I want to be a good example to my children in everything, including how to handle the gifts He gives us.   I want to lead by my actions, not just my words.  Help us, Lord!

building a tent

camping has always been an incredibly fun adventure in my life.  i grew up spending many summer hours in tents, swimming in the nearby lake, lying on the old lawn chair lounger thingy by the fire pit and reading book after book.

my hubby also loves camping, despite only going three times in his life before marriage, and all three being miserable experiences for him.  he married into a camping-loving family and now loves it as much as the rest of us!

as i write this, he is at camp.  he has worked for this camp every summer for six years now and thoroughly enjoys it!  because of the economy, a downfall in camper numbers, and overall budget cuts, the camp had to rework through it's programs to save money.

this week is jr. high week.  in the past, they have taken them to lake erie and stayed on kelley's island for 3 days/2 nights. because of budget cuts, this year they had to stay at camp for those nights.

as part of the 'new' experience, last night campers had to build their own shelters out of a few given materials and what they found in nature.  the shelters not only had to stand, but the campers had to sleep under them all night, whether rain, cold, raccoon, snake, etc. came to bother them.  i can't WAIT to hear some of the stories about this! :)

my hubby called late last night, and i asked how his shelter turned out.  counselors were supposed to build shelters as well.  he said by the time they got dinner and the special night activity finished, the counselors ran out of time to build their own shelters and just pitched a tent.  ha. :)

here at home, i've had to 'unexpectedly' build my own tent... as in being CONtent. ha.  okay, that was a bit lame... give me a break, i'm tired! ;)

i'm used to being at home a lot without him because of his crazy long weekend work hours.  but sometimes i just need to get out and away and something different.

i love staying home with my kids.  i really do.  but the staying part sometimes gets to me.  i've always been a traveler, always on the go, planning the next trip, going it alone when others thought i was crazy... it didn't matter.

but now with real responsibilities (you know, a hubby, 3 kids, and a house), along with lack of money, trips are pretty much non-existent.

it doesn't help that i'm discontent with my house either.  we bought this house with the intentions of only staying here 5 years MAXIMUM.  it's been 10.  yeah.  it's small, it's old, the people who 'renovated' it to sell it did it as cheaply as possible (which means everything is falling apart), and my number one issue: it's in the city.

i've really been striving to be content with the house, and in the last year i've finally started turning it into a home.  (yes, it took that long).  my kids love this place because it's all they've ever known, and i want it to be something they enjoy and not be ashamed of (when they get to that age). ;)

so here i sit.  in my little home.  with my 3 wonderful kids.  in the city.  trying to be content with where God has me.

not up to par

just for the record, i hate golf.  it's not a real sport to me.  my apologies to any golf lovers out there.

and yes, i know this blog is already public.  my comments in the previous posts should have been more clear by saying i haven't 'advertised' this blog.  for those of you who have been sneaking and reading, you can stop already. ;)  just leave a comment. :)

today was a rough day... physically, mentally, spiritually...

the past few days i haven't been physically feeling well.  i think my blood pressure is up.  the dr thinks i'm nuts because you aren't supposed to be able to tell when your bp is up, but i can.  and i'm always right.  i've been a bit stressed this past week, and then because of the 'mental' roughness, i haven't been handling my children very well.  my hubby worked 16+ hours yesterday and ditto for today.  i'm used to him being gone, but i've really missed him and the kids have been okay, but i'm just very edgy.

that and i feel like i'm constantly going to puke today.  i think it's one too many gallons of arnold palmer's... ha.

mentally i have a ton going on in my brain.  besides the daily chores (of which i'm always behind) and the constant clutter (that i don't really want to face and clean up because i'm tired and lazy), and the bills (that are always a sore spot whether or not they are paid), and the kids (too much to list in a parenthesis) ;), my mind has been focused on other things lately...

1.  friends~ my lack of close friendships.  i have a few semi-close friends.  i have friends i could go to if i needed something.  i have acquaintances.  what i don't have is that deeper level of friendship.  i haven't had that in a very long time and i miss it.  and none of this includes my hubby.  he is my BESTEST friend ever!! :)  i'm talking about girl-friends. :)  but at the same time, i stink at friendships.  too many hurts in the past i guess. so i'm not sure i want close friendships.  now there's a mental puzzle for ya!

2.  the way i look~  my hair has gotten super long and i want to cut it.  however, i wear a ponytail 6 3/4 out of 7 days.  plus it's wavy.  short hair + wavy hair = a bush. so i don't know what to do.  i don't have the money to go to a super nice place to get it done (thank you great clips for the 4.99 coupons!).   i finally wore earrings again a few weeks ago for the first time in a year or so.  i used to wear 7 earrings all the time.  i loved it.  now i couldn't find enough matching earrings in my jewelry box to wear that many!  makeup...eh.  i wear it to church and if we go somewhere special.  i've always been the 'if you don't like me the natural way, then you have no business being my friend' kinda person. :)  that and i was never shown how to wear makeup so i feel dumb.  thankfully my baby sister is a princess and has given me tips. :)  and my weight.  ha.  a year ago i was proud of the weight i had lost, despite still being right near 200 lbs.  12 months and 1 baby later, i gained back all i had lost plus and extra 20 or 30...  it was the most i had ever gained in a pregnancy! (almost double of my 2nd child!).  so now 8 weeks postpardum, i'm back to the EXACT weight i was when i started weight watchers two years ago.  and i DO want to lose it and prove i can do it again, but at the same time, i have a LOT of doubt that i CAN do it again... UGH!  well, some days i'm not sure if it's doubt or pure exhaustion, but still...

3.  my house~why do i let it look as badly as it does?  besides making me look like a bad housewife, i know it's wrong to be so messy and disorganized.  it really does irritate me, but if it can't be perfect, then it has to be perfectly chaotic.  some of you will totally understand that. it doesn't bother me to go to someone else's house and it be a total wreck (or worse...i've seen it), but it drives me crazy about my own!   i can recite several verses that prove to me i need to be neater, but i can't get it to sink in.  i refuse to have people over, die at the thought of someone 'dropping' by, and feel very embarrassed and ashamed... all of which i hate!  if i just got up and DID it, it wouldn't be so cluttered.

those are the top 3 things mentally plaguing me this weekend.

as for not being spiritually up to par... well, that's going to have to wait for another post.  i'm just not up for that at the moment.

plus i haven't heard my daughter for a few minutes... that's NEVER a good thing!!

for lack of many things

one of the reasons it took so long for me to make a {hopefully} public-to-my-friends blog is because of the title.

no, seriously...

it seemed that every witty, cutesy, intelligent blog title i could come up with (which wasn't many) were already taken.  and it FRUSTRATED me to no end!! have i really lost my way with words??  hence the title you now see at the top...

lately i've realized that my intelligence is severely out of practice.  i used to pride myself on knowing facts, knowing how to do anything and everything (and teaching myself if i didn't), and knowing up to date information on the world.

it doesn't take that many brain cells to do the laundry, load the dishwasher, vacuum the floors, clean the windows...  and when that's the majority of every single day, my brain has turned to semi-mush.

thankfully raising children does require usage of the brain, although it's usually foggy and tired at the time.  i love being creative in teaching my kids, in disciplining (which my daughter requires a LOT of creativity in this area), and even in feeding them (hey, a dinosaur pb & j is SO much more fun!). :)

but i still feel behind when talking to adults.  i'm not caught up on the latest... well, anything.  i'm just happy i at least know who the president IS.

one reason i wanted to make a more public blog is to increase my intelligence outside of the 3 year old level.  i want to be able to speak (write) like and adult about adult things.  of course my adult conversations usually revolve around potty training, nursing, preschool, etc, but i can always learn more in those areas too.  at least i get to use bigger words. :)

i've also been missing friendships lately.  the 'real' kind.  not just the 'see-you-every-sunday-and-say-hi' kind.  i've been attempting to make closer friendships lately, and i know that's a start, and i'm hoping by sharing on this blog i'll be brave enough to let myself step right out there.

but that's a blog post for another time...

and the purpose of this is...

....to attempt to better myself and my life.  i think...

i've had an 'anonymous' blog for YEARS.  anonymous simply because i don't want the people who know me to really know me.  i'm sure it's a mixture of shame and pride, both things i need to work on.

by the way, you'll notice my lack of capitals, sometimes lack of punctuation, and scatterbrained skipping.  i hope it doesn't annoy you.  and if it does, oh well... 

don't misunderstand me: i am a grammar nut (yay for diagramming!), a capital/use of punctuation stickler, and the worst, a spelling nazi (okay, that's the ONE thing i don't give up).  but the reason i don't often bother with them on the computer is simple: this is MY laid back world.  

that and the fact that my time to write is so limited that it's faster without them. :)

i've still not publicized my introduction to sharing my mind.  still not too sure about it.  but i want to make better friendships, and being transparent is part of that.  i just worry because my transparency seem quite clouded next to the rest of the mostly-put-together world.

and i never know what i'm going to say.  i don't want to put 'guidelines' on this because i want to speak and share what's on my mind. but sometimes that's a bit scary. :)  i don't think the way most people think, i don't function the way most people function......and that sometimes frustrates me and others around me.

but i love to write.  i always have.  i'm not as great as some others and not as good as i used to be, but i always seem to have a lot to say...  at least on the computer...

i rarely have anything to say if you talk to me in person.  people scare me.  and not the scary people, the normal people.  even the people i've known for years.  i've gotten a LOT better in the past two years, but still have a long way to go.  so if you attempt to talk to me and my response is short (and i disappear quickly), don't take it personally.  :)

i love reading all the 'helper' blogs.  you know, the ones that tell you which coupons are awesome, how to save money, healthy living, incredible recipes, and of course written by the 'best' stay at home moms on the planet.  so i thought, 'hmm, wonder what i could contribute to the blogging world?'

then i get up from the computer to get my 2 year old off the kitchen counters and trip over the ever multiplying toys (despite us never buying any) in the disastrous playroom/computer room/junk room (that is a big as some of my friends' bathrooms!), kick over the dog's water dish (that's half empty from my daughter drinking it), and walk across my barely-any-left laminate kitchen floor.

go ahead and laugh. :)  it's true.  and it's funny...both sad funny and funny funny. :)

and then it came to me!!  i was just going to write a 'real' stay at home mom's blog.  i would dare say that the majority of stay at home moms are as perfect as those blogs i've discovered.  life isn't always roses, the kids aren't always happy and obedient, the house isn't always clean, the yard isn't always mowed, and supper isn't always 'almost ready'.

if you want to join me on my imperfect stay at home life, then please keep coming back.  i can't always guarantee a laugh, but in this house, you never know. :)